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Jokes

Jokes

Make us to laugh ... !!!

A floks....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....

41,669 views 160 replies
Reply #76 Top
An elderly lady was pulled over for doing 90 in a 35 zone by a new female recruit.

Recruit: "Maam, please may I see your license and registration?"

Old lady: "Don't have either!"

Recruit: "Why not?"

Old lady: "It's not my car."

Recruit: "Oh Yeah, how come you're driving it then?"

Old lady: "Stole it, cut up the owner and stuffed him in the trunk."

The recruit is stunned by this information on her first day on the job, calls for backup and explains the situation to her captain, who arrives quickly at the scene.

Captain: "May I see your license, maam?"

Old Lady: "Certainly officer."

Captain: "Okay maam! Now my officer says that you have a body in the trunk, would you please pop it for me?"

Old lady: "Certainly, officer!"

Captain: "Why there's nothing in there!!!!!"

Old lady: "Next thing she'll be telling you I was speeding."


Reply #77 Top
WOMEN ARE EVIL




Posted via WinCustomize Browser/Stardock Central
Reply #78 Top
WOMEN ARE EVIL


No they're not...they've just got a different way of doing things...it's just that us menfolk don't grasp it....
Reply #79 Top
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....

" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"Shit!" said the hypnotist.


It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
Reply #80 Top

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.




Just as well she didn't use another commonly used expletive
Reply #82 Top
Children on backseats cause accidents
Accidents on backseats cause children
Reply #83 Top
Thor the Thunder God was flying across the heavens behind is hammer when he spied this gorgeous woman tanning herself on a beach.

Such was her beauty, he couldn't resist going down and giving her a one hour kiss. Then about twenty minutes later he returned to give her a two hour, passionate and tender kiss....and ten minutes later for a full on, no holds barred, deeply embracing, tongue and all French kiss.

After satisfying his unbridled passion for this woman's sweeeeeet, succulent lips, he flew off, hammer in hand and roared in the deepest, most thunderous voice: " I'M THOR!!!!!"

The beautiful woman replied: "You're thor? I'm tho thor that I can hardly thpeak
Reply #84 Top
The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a
leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having
lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had
me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
Reply #85 Top
Important Lesson




This letter was sent to the principal's office of Lee High School
(Springfield, VA) after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was
writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.



Dear Lee High School

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home
for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's
ice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your
kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate, Mrs. Agnes Shumate, is 95 and always
had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me
listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Reply #86 Top
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what

the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized

or not.



"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we

offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to

empty the water out of the tub."



Okay, here's your test:



1. Would you use the spoon?



2. Would you use the teacup?



3. Would you use the bucket?



"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the

bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."



"No," answered the Director.













"A normal person would pull out the stopper."





So how did you do?
Reply #87 Top
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!"




There was this old crow and a young crow, and the old crow could fly to the very top of this old tree overlooking the farm, whereas the young crow couldn't.

Young crow: "How is it that you're old and can fly to the top of the tree and I'm young and can't.

Old crow: "Well it's like this, I go around after the bull and pick the droppings for the extra energy given by the fermented seeds.

Young crow: "So if I were to do the same, do you think I could also reach the top of the tree....could I, could I?

Old crow: "Well I can't see why not.

Armed with this newfound knowledge, the young crow follows the bull around for a couple of days to pick its droppings for the energy giving fermented seeds.

Eventually he feels strong enough to attempt the big flight and gets in a running start to give himself the best chance.....half way up, back down again half way up, back down again...then, with an extra burst, he finally makes it.

Absolutely pleased as punch with himself, the young crow starts squawking....graaaagh, graaaagh, graaaaagh!!!!

Upon hearing this, the farmer gets his 12 gauge and blasts the young crow to kingdom come.




The moral to this story....if you're all full of bullshit, keep your mouth shut.
Reply #88 Top
Reply #89 Top
The old hobo must have eaten something bad, for he was caught short and had to go, right there, right beside the road. It was the quietest of country roads, so felt safe that he wouldn't be seen, thus his dignity would still be intact.....however, some quick thinking was still required.....

No sooner was the job complete and his belt buckle fastened, and an unmarked police car pulled up right beside him and a burly police sargeant gets out...the hobo quickly covering the offending pile with his hat and holding it down with his finger to avoid detection.

Sargeant: "Hullo, hullo , hullo....what's going on here, then?"

Hobo: "Officer, I can't believe my luck....I...I, I've caught the fastest thing in the world, and it's right here under my hat. It must be worth a bloody fortune."

Sargeant: "Oh yeah...well if it's the fastest thing in the world, how come an old fart like you was able to catch it?"

Hobo: "Well I was walking along, minding my own business, when I spots it sitting right there. Rather than rushing in and scaring it off, I just took off my hat, threw it, and it more-or-less ran right under it....bit of a fluke, really."

Sargeant: "Worth a fortune, you say!! Okay, here's what we'll do...hmmmm, one of us will slightly lift the hat and the other'll grab it and put it in this bag. If we share the money equally, I won't charge you with loitering.

Hobo: "Okay sarge, but remember, this is the fastest thing in the world, and neither of us is going to be quick enough. If it gets away, neither of us will be getting a cent, so how about I go and get some equipment to make sure, like some nets and a cage or something?

Sargeant: Okay, sounds like a plan to me!"

The sargeant and hobo swap places and the sargeant places his digit where the hobo's once was. To expidite the operation more quickly and efficiently, the sargeant suggests that the hobo borrow his car, so as to more speedily return.

About ten minutes later, a passing patrolman notices the sargeant there, with his finger holding down the hat, and being quite curious, he stops to ask why.

Patrolman: "Hi sarge, what ya got there?"

Sargeant: "I've got the fastest thing in the world, right here under this hat. An old hobo caught it by fluke and has gone to get some equipment so it doesn't escape...should be back shortly."

The enterprising young officer sees an oppotunity here for a quick buck and says: "But sarge, what's an old hobo gonna do with all that money, he'd never know what to do with it all? Look, I've got the fastest right hook and left jab in the history of police boxing, if anybody can catch this thing, I can."

Sargeant: "Okay then, when I lift the hat, you grab the little sucker and we'll go halves in the money. How does that sound to you?"

Patrolman: "Okay, ready, steady, GO!!!"

Sargeant: "WELL DID YOU GET IT?"

Patrolman; "No sarge....but I sure as hell scared the crap out of it."
Reply #90 Top
Do you know the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
.
.
.
.
Anyone can roast beef.
Reply #91 Top
Having never needed medical attention before, this guy asks his wife: "What's a specimen?"

She replies: "Well I don't rightly know, never having been to the doctor myself. Perhaps you could ask the young medical student next door!"

Husband: "Come off it!!! You know we hate eachother's guts.
If I go and ask him, he's gonna come back with some smart ass answer and I'll be none the wiser.

Wife: "Well you're never going to know unless you ask, and I'm sure he's not that petty, particularly when it comes to medical issues, so go and ask him."

The husband, unable to argue this logic, toddles off next door to enquire as to what this specimen thing is.

About 15 minutes later, he comes back all battered and bruised, with a fat lip and all his clothes in tatters.

Wife: "What happened, you look like you've been in a bar room brawl?"




Husband: "Well I asked him like you said to, and he said 'go piss in a bottle'.....and I said, 'Well go crap in yer boot'......and then it was on for young and old."
Reply #92 Top
The Guys' Rules

We always hear "the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Reply #93 Top
TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logica (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logica.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logica.

Then Sister Logica arrives.

SM: ! Sister Logica! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?










A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.




And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
Reply #94 Top
Unexpectedly, two nuns were asked by mother superior to go into thr village to get some extra bread, milk and etc, as she was expecting some visitors later in the day and wanted to provide them with some refreshments.

The two nuns collected their bicycles and rode off towards the village shop.

Sister Mary: "Do you realise that if we're too long, Sister Ellen we could miss morning prayers?

Sister Ellen: "Yes, what could we do to be sure we get back in time?"

Sister Mary: "Well I know a short cut that will take off a half hour."

So they proceed and turn down this old cobblestone street on their bone-shakers towards the shop. Looking around her, and realising the surroundings were totally unfamiliar to her, Sister Ellen says: " Ooooh, Ive never come this way before.

Sister Mary: "It's probably because of the cobblestones.
Reply #95 Top
13 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Reply #96 Top
A man was turning 40 and his wife asked what he would like for his birthday......

Husband: "Well I have just about every conceivable thing a man could ever want to pursue his interests and hobbies.
However, I am curious as to what's in the box you keep under the bed.
We've been married 20 years, and as much as I've always wanted to know what's inside, I've never once peeked in.
For my birthday, what I'd really like, is to see what you've got in there."

Wife: "In the morning, I will bring your breakfast in bed and I'll drag it out to show you, if that's really what you want."

Husband: "Thank you dear."

That night, he could hardly sleep. The anticipation was getting the better of him, and before he knew it, dawn had arrived and his breakfast had been served.

Upon finishing his breakfast, the wife clambered under the bed, dragged out the box and opened the lid.
The husband was totally astounded, for when he looked inside, there was a dozen eggs and a wad of cash...nothing more.

Husband: "But, but, but, there's just a dozen eggs and a bit of money....and it's such a big box, too!

Wife: "I have a bit of a confession to make."

Husband: "Pray tell me, you went and bought me something, even though I asked you not to."

Wife: NO, no, no! I've been unfaithful, and every time I was, I went out to the henhouse, got an egg and put it in here."

At first the husband was devastated, but after a while of thinking about it, the fact that it was only 12 times in the entire 20 years of their marriage, he'd calmed down enough to ask: Well if that's what the eggs are for, then what's the money for?"

Wife: "Oh, the $21,000? Well...every time I'd collected a dozen, I took them to the markets and sold 'em!!"

Boom, boom!
Reply #97 Top
I was 15 and just out of school when I took up a job as a window cleaner. We didn't have too many high-rises in the town....well there was one, an apartment bock of 6 floors, if i remember correctly.

Anyway, my employer set up the hoist and safety cradle for me to go up and clean the penthouse windows. That was alright, and everything was going along swimmingly....until I got around to the master bedroom.

Upon reaching it, I noticed there was this beautiful woman inside, laying on the bed. She was quite oblivious to my presence, that is until she heard my squeegy squeaking down the window pane.

With that sound, she sprang into action...firstly taking off her negligee top, then fondling herself in a rather alluring way. To her, however, it must have seemed like I hadn't noticed, being that I was only 15, quite naive and rather desperate to pretend I'd not seen anything so I didn't get into trouble.

She obviously wished to gain my attention, so she then pulled down her panties very slowly and did this very enticing dance to draw my gaze. Again, I continued to clean the window with vigour, occasionally looking away as if to be admiring the scenery elsewhere..


In losing her patience with my apparent disinterest, she came right up to the window pane and pressed her voluptous breasts against the glass. With that, I fell out of the safety tray and plunged 6 floors into a pile of compost below.

A passing cop approaches me to say: "Hello, hello, hello, what's happening here, then?


"How the hell would I know...just got here myself!!!"

Cop: "Have an accident?"

Me: "No thank you!!! Seems I just had one."
Reply #98 Top
A couple of car-poolers fell out of favour with the rest of the group because they'd lost their licenses, so found an alternative means of transport to get to work.....a camel.

Anyhow, after work one day, they went out to where they'd parked the camel, and there it was....gone!!! This was reported to police and an officer attended the scene.


Officer: "Ok sir, can you give me a description of this camel, what colour and how high it is, etc?"

Owner: "No, not really!"

Officer: "How long have you owned this camel?"

Owner: "Oh, about 6 or 7 months now, I think."

Officer: "You mean to tell me that you've owned this beast for that long....and you can't give me a description of it? At least try to remember what colour it is, brown, grey, tan or whatever?"

Owner: "I think it's Tan, but I'm not a 100% sure."

Officer: "About how high would it be, and was it wearing anything, like a saddle, for instance?"

Owner: "I'm not sure whether we left the saddle on or not....and as for how tall it is, well I can't be really sure because we'd stand on things of varying heights to mount it, so that confuses things a bit."

Officer: "You don't know its colour, you don't know how high it is, and you can't remember if it had a saddle on or not!!!! Is there anything you can tell me about this camel?"

Owner: "Yes, it's a female, definitely a female."

Officer: "You know nothing else about this camel, yet you're positive that it's a female?"

Owner: "Well quite often, on the way to and from work, we keep hearing the comment: 'hey, look at the boobs on that camel'."
Reply #99 Top
Reply #100 Top
Q: If marriages are made in heaven then what is made in Hell

A: The days after marriage