Jokes

Being the starter..........

Fastest Thing in the World ****
There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the forth was Jewish.

The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked her, then called in the next person.

The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity.

Why?

Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the Jewish man was called in.

He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... ..and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.....

(He got the job....)

Yet Another (In HIPPY'S STYLE)

A Guide to Modern Operating Systems

Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.

DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

OS/2
The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more.

Mac Finder
It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot just point and shoot.

AIX
You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.

IRIX
The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.

SVR4
The gun isn't compatible with your foot.

Minix
You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.

Linux
Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.

HURD
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.

VM/CMS
IBM shoots you in the foot.

VMS
FOOT ambiguous: supply more toes.

AMIGA-DOS
The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets.

Mach
The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more.

Cray
You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.

MasPar
You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously

Please no one kill me:


A blonde storms into a hotel room catching her husband with another woman. She whips out a gun, screaming, and holds it to her head.
Her husband starts yelling "NO! Don't do it!"
The blonde yells back "SHUT UP YOU'RE NEXT!!!!!"

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest
pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin there's no paper on this
side either."

Yet An Other One from My Side

Are you aware of Globalization???

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates' technology.

And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. That, my friends, is Globalization.

Out Of College

Just as the title said, when you are out of college:

1) You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

2) You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

3) You have to pay your own credit card bill.

4) You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

5) 8:00 a.m. is not early.

6) You have to file your own taxes.

7) You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

8) You carry an umbrella.

9) Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

10) You start watching the Weather Channel.

11) Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

12) You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

13) You go to parties that the police don't raid.

14) Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.

15) You refer to college students as kids.

16) You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

17) You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.

18) College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

19) Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

20) Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

21) Dinner and a movie — the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

22) You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

23) You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

24) Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

25) When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I used to."

26) Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

27) You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!

Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's, Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many have forgiven their enemies. About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Henry, are you
not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a

person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "I

outlived those bitches."

Some Quick Jokes

BRIGHT IDEA?

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.

TECH SUPPORT LIGHTBULB

Q: How many Tech Support folks does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong...have you tried the light switch?

LAWYERS' WORD PROCESSOR

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?

A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

CHEAP SHOT

Why do baby chicks say "cheap, cheap, cheap?"

Because they can't say "expensive, expensive, expensive!"

CLEVER COMBO

Q: What do you get when you cross an Emu with a Quail?

A: E Mail!

Anybody know we already have a huge joke thread? I'll have to look it up sometime.

[Message Edited]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone..


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

From the Holy Cow dept.......A city slicker was out taking a drive thru the country one day, and saw a farmer out in the field helping one of his cows deliver a new baby calf. So the city boy stops and goes over to see what is going on. He walks up to the occupied farmer and looks at the whole process....finally he asks a question. "So how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow???"

/me says okay, I know it's corney, but it's old...it was one my Mom used to tell!

One liner:

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest man in the NBA is the Chineese."

-Chris Rock

It's judgement day and all of the men are standing in a long line at The Golden Gate. St. Peter says "I want all of the men who were bossed around by their wife to move over and stand in this other line over here". Every man moved over int the other line except for one. St. Peter said "I can't believe it. You are the only man that remained. What is the secret to your life? Why are you alone?" The man said "my wife told me to stay here"

Floppy Disk Care

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.


Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.


Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.


Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.


Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.


Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.


If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.


Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.


Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)


Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.


Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

http://www.gizmodo.com/archives/dvd-rewinder-016644.php

My all time favorite corny joke

Three pieces of Rope are walking down the Street. They were very hot and thirsty. They came upon a bar and one went in. He asked for a drink and the bartender said, 'read the sign buddy we don't serve ropes.'

'Oh come on just this once', the rope asked again. The bartender said 'nope', so the rope left. The second rope figured he was a bit better looking and maybe the bartender would soften a little and let him have a drink. He went in and asked for a drink, the bartender shook his head and said 'Hey Buddy, it's just like I told your friend we don't serve ropes here.' Dejected the rope left the bar.

The 3rd rope heard both of their stories, thought for a moment. Then he rolled himself into a knot and fluffed the edges so it was a little frayed. The third rope went into the bar like this and asked for a drink.

The bartender asked, 'Hey are you a rope?' The 3rd rope looked down at himself and said 'Nope, I am a frayed knot!'

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Frayed Knot, HAHAHHAHA!!! Frayed Knot!

Old man Jones was in town picking up supplies. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy two chickens and a goose. He now had a problem with how to carry it home.

The dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Thanks!" the old man said, and off he went.

Soon he met an old lady who told him she was lost. She asked him how to get to 15 Oak Lane, and the man said. "I live at 45 Oak Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley."

The old lady said, "I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and ravish me?"

The old man said, "Holy smokes! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

omg

Umm...looks like there a few loosers that dont know how to use a message board.

A few

It's a Hijack.......keep this thread to Jokes Only....A humble request..

So a kid goes into a butcher shop and asks "got any grapes?". The butcher says "kid, this is a butcher shop. We only have meat. No grapes". Kid goes away.

Next day, same kid, same shop. "got any grapes?" "kid, I already told you, no grapes. get out of here". Kid leaves.

Next day same kid, same shop, same question. Butcher says "If you ask me that one more time I'm gonna Nail you. Leave!"

Next day the kid says "hey Mr, you got any nails?" Although a bit irritated, man is glad that it's not the same question. "No kid, no nails"
Kid says "Good. Got any grapes?"


Get it? butcher said he was ...gonna ...nail ..him.



oh well