Reply #51 December 30, 2004 12:34 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Man Wanting a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make her truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Reply #52 December 30, 2004 3:27 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

another oldie.... This is basically for women but you fellas can get a chuckle at our expense.


For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:



1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.

Reply #53 December 30, 2004 3:47 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Two Very Good Questions......

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an
abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this
one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes
and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any
extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
(Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer).
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.






Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Candidate B is Winston Churchill,
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.


And by the way: Answer to the abortion question if you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone...and remember,
Amateurs built the ark .... Professionals built the Titanic!!


Not political statements....... just quirky interesting facts!

Reply #54 December 30, 2004 3:48 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Jesus is Watching You!

There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take.

All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"

He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.

He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again, and then he really wondered who was saying that.

He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.

"Did you say that?" asked the burglar.

"Yes," replied the parrot.

"By the way, what's your name?" the burglar inquired.

"Moses," answered the parrot.

"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"

"The same people who named their rottweiler Jesus!"

Reply #55 December 30, 2004 6:03 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Police arrested two kids, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. The Police men charged one and let the other one off.

Reply #56 December 30, 2004 6:08 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Patient: "Doctor Doctor, can you help me out?"

Doctor: "Sure, which way did you come in?"

Reply #57 December 30, 2004 9:37 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

NOW DONT GO TRYING THIS ONE ON YOUR OWN


Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their
respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please. "The door opens just a crack and single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answer the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.
The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please."

And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!!

Reply #58 December 30, 2004 10:13 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Reply #59 December 30, 2004 10:27 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Why so sad sleepy dragon?
The jokes aren't that bad are they?

Reply #60 December 31, 2004 1:51 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Lady Aarielle,

Enjoyed your jokes! Have to bring them back to work and give everyone a good laugh! Thanks

Reply #61 December 31, 2004 4:23 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Thanks, happy new year slinky.

Reply #62 December 31, 2004 4:27 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

The Affair

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support until the
child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused
Wife...

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."

Reply #63 January 16, 2005 1:11 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Company Policies
Let demonstrate it by a monkey story:

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the other monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.


"AND THAT'S HOW MANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED".

Reply #64 January 21, 2005 9:48 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Reply #65 January 21, 2005 10:24 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Best quote of '04:
Tim Allen on Martha Stewart:


"Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. O.J. & Kobe
are walking around; Osama Bin Laden is still out there, and they take
the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul
her off to jail."





Top Headlines of 2004




[ACTUAL]
HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse
to Work
after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make
Nutritious
Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]


Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
nuff said

Reply #66 February 2, 2005 10:41 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Hope this one will not make any one angry

Billy Bob's pregnant Sister had a car accident and went into a deep coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot.

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. " I like Denise."

When she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew.

Reply #67 February 2, 2005 11:14 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”

The wife says,“Ohmigod! Seriously?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The husband yells back,“It doesn’t matter…just get the hell out!”

(edited for content)

Reply #68 May 26, 2005 7:28 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die, just in case.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 now is somewhere around $60.00

-----


A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Reply #69 May 26, 2005 7:34 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Reply #70 May 26, 2005 11:19 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

I got one, heh. Why do gophers like golf courses so much?

You see, it's because they don't understand the letters L and F, so they just substitute with P and H, and think it's for gophers instead.

Reply #71 May 26, 2005 1:46 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

WOMEN ARE EVIL

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" sheasked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

Actually, no," he replied.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?

Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Reply #72 May 28, 2005 1:07 PM from WinCustomize Forums Top

What’s behind door number 3

There once was a man, (who we will call bob) who died, now bob lived a really, really bad life of cheating, stealing, cursing, gamboling, and every thing else you can think of. Bob went straight to hell. Upon arrival to hell he was met with open arms by the devil. Bob, said the devil, welcome to hell. Bob I know what your thinking, said the devil, where’s all the fire and brimstone you’ve always heard about? Well bob I’m not really all that bad, I even give you the option to choose between one of 3 rooms to spend your eternity. The devil opens the first door and in that room people are hanging upside down with bars thru their ankles and chains. Bob says no, no that’s not for me. Ok bob says the devil have a look behind door number two, and the devil opens up the door and bob peaks in and sees people getting the crap beaten out of them by demons. Oh no said bob no that’s not the room for me. Bob says lets see what is behind door number three. Ok said the devil, and he opens the door and bob peaks in to see every one in the room standing in poo up to their necks drinking coffee. Now bob thinks to himself well its not all bad, I mean at least you get to drink coffee. So bob of course picked door number three. Bob walks in, and for the next 5 minuets bob is thinking this won’t be so bad, I can do this. Just then the devil walks in and says ok break time is up every one stand on your head.

Reply #73 December 4, 2005 1:00 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER

While being interviewed, an actress was asked whether she intended to get married in the near future.

The lady replied, 'Never, I will follow in the footsteps of my mother. Like her, I will remain single.'

Reply #74 December 4, 2005 1:17 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Some inventions by Blondes

The water-proof towel:
You'll never need to wash it again.

Glow in the dark sunglasses:
In case of a solar eclipse.

Solar powered flashlights:
In case of a lunar eclipse.

Submarine screen doors:
What else do you think keeps submarines bug-free?

A book on how to read:
In case you know how to read.

Inflatable dart boards:
For all your spitting contests.

A dictionary index:
To accompany your dictionary pinky.

Powdered water:
Amazingly light to carry around in the desert, just mix it with some local wet water and Tadaa!

Pedal powered wheel chairs:
For people who are paralyzed from the waist up.

Water proof tea bags:
To use with powdered water only.

Zero proof alcohol:
In case your alibi was too drunk to testify.

Reusable ice cubes:
You'll love this if you're an Eskimo.

Do it yourself road map:
Because only you know where you're going and where you've been.

Helicopter ejector seat:
You won't even need a parachute!

Reply #75 December 4, 2005 2:40 AM from WinCustomize Forums Top

Okay, I'm a woman so I can tell this joke freely

Women who are well endowed work at "Hooters"

Q: Where do women who have one leg work?

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A: "I-Hop"