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Jokes

Make us to laugh ... !!!

from WinCustomize Forums
A floks....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
41,666 views 160 replies
Reply #151 from WinCustomize Forums Top
A guy walks into a bar and says 'Ouch!'

No wait....

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and pulls a three inch Leprechaun from his coat pocket and sits him on the bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and a shot of whiskey for my friend."

The bartender returns with the Beer and whiskey. The Leprechaun gulps down his shot and makes a mad dash for the end of the bar, where sits the only other other patron, a big-burly construction worker. The Leprechaun reaches the end of the bar and spits in the man's face and runs back to his shot glass. The man orders another beer and another shot.

When the bartender serves up the second round, the Leprechaun downs his shot and dashses back down to the end of the bar and spits in the mans face again, then runs back to his shotglass. Another round is ordered. The Leprechaun downs the third shot and makes a third dash down the bar. Only this time, the big constructio worker grabs him before he can spit.

"Now see here, Leprechaun. You spit in my face one more time and I'll rip your pecker off!"
The Leprechaun laugh's. "Silly man. Leprechauns don't have peckers."
The man looks at him and asks "OH yeah. Well how do you pee, then?"
To which the Leprechaun replies "We spit!"
Reply #152 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Darn double post.
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Reply #153 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Here’s mine – Freshly Made
By Elsius Saint

----- FROGBOY -----

It has been noticed that Mr. Frogboy did not report to work this morning at stardock. After little investigation, one of the staff member found out he went hunting yesterday with United State Vice President Dick Cheney. The staff briefly took a look at each other and ran to the nearest hospital. Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter Frogboy.
------------------------

Dedicate to
Reply #155 from WinCustomize Forums Top
An Irishman and bit of a ladies man was crossing a bridge one day when hear a small cry for help coming from below him. Upon looking over the side of the bridge he noticed a leprechaun firmly stuff in mud right up to his neck, so off down the river bank he goes to rescue the poor lil fella.
The leprechaun was thankful for saving his life and granted the ladies man 3 wishes, but in old leprechaun tradition, whatever he wished for, his worst enemy would get double of.
Now this got the ladies man thinking some, for he had an arch rival who competed to bed every woman he tried to get, and there was no way he wanted him to have twice as much as he had.
Now money was important but not a competitive thing with his arch rival, the ladies man wished for $10,000,000....hey presto, and there it was, and his rival suddenly becomes $20,000,000 richer.
"For my second wish," says the ladies man, I want a 20 bedroom mansion with a woman in every room....hey presto, there's his mansion and the 20 women he wanted, but over on the next hill his rival suddenly has a 40 bedroom mansion with 40 women at his beckon call.
"Aha!!!!" says the ladies man, and not wanting to be unfairly outdone again: "For my third wish, I'll have one of my testicles removed!"
Reply #156 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Blonde in a store spots a vaccuum flask and asks the assistant what it was and did.
The assitant explained that it was a portable means of keeping things hot and cold when away from home, etc.
With that, and seeing a use for it at work, she bought herself one and took it with her to work the next day.

"Oh, so what have you there?" asked her blonde co-worker.

"It's a vaccuum flask to keep things hot and cold."

"So what do you have in it?" enquired her co-worker.

"A couple of icecreams and some piping hot black coffee.

BTW...no offense intended to any blondes here.....
Reply #157 from WinCustomize Forums Top
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
"Gosh... if I go down three inches,
I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.
"Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear
and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake?
But I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish
jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb
hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots
that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly....
The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
Some pussy is probably in danger.
Reply #158 from WinCustomize Forums Top
There are 3 ladies on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.

A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.


A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first,On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.


An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.


Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.


Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first.
Reply #159 from WinCustomize Forums Top
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.


Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop

frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck! would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies! . So before he walked off, I asked them Waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know! about the others,
but I use the spoon."
Reply #160 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Poor old Bill, he had suddenly taken ill and awoke to find himself in intensive care with tubes and all manner of medical devices attached to him.

The young nurse noticed that he'd regained concsiousness and asked: "And how are we feeling now, is there anything I can do for you?"

Poor old Bill, replied: "I'm feeling quite sore and I'm thirsty. Are my testicles black?"

The young nurse was taken aback by this question and was unsure about investigating, so went to find an older more experienced nurse.

The older nurse asked Bill what he wanted, and again: "Are my testicles black?", so she peeled back the sheets to check for him.

"No, no, no!", says Bill, as he removed his oxygen mask: "Are my test results back?"