Are Women More Clever Than Men ?,

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in The
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis who women will
flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:
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Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.


Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound
asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and
says,
"Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,
"Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass."

"Someone has stolen tent"

STRANGERS WHO FELL IN LOVE

A man met a beautiful woman.
They fell in love, and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice Caribbean resort.

The first morning, they were lying by the pool when the husband got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
He followed that with a triple-twisting dive in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

The new bride said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No" she said, "I was a hooker in Detroit and I worked both sides of the river."

Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.. If you were here, all my troubles would be over, you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I can do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred

2 Elements Added To The Periodic Table Elements:

1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when place next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

________________________________________
2. Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known.

If Operating Systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants couteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-2005. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plae they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but all of them believe they arrived

Which Airline is the best......any thougt
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Unix express... I think...

I think I'll drive............

good idea...

But not for us.........
I wish to live........
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EVER WONDER .....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I'm still trying to work out why, after giving women all those dangerous curves, nature gave us men such unreliable brakes.

Unix Express....so...so....so....accurate....

heheheh i got one:::

the boy who asked a little and found out alot

a little boy sits down by his dad and asks
"dad, where did i come from?"

the dad looks at his 6 year old boy and says
"i gues youre old enough to know the truth"
so the dad, during the next hour explains to the son about the reproductive cycle...

after he is finished, the boy looks at him and says:

"Boy! jimmy said hes from kansas! wait till i tell him where im from!"

This what we call "Team Work."

System Design

http://www.uoregon.edu/~ftepfer/SchlFacilities/TireSwingTable.html

Conditioner

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Smuggler

uan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Three year old son Tim had a lot of problems with potty training and I was constantly onto him. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy with a full dining area.

While enjoying my burger, I could smell something funny so as a matter of course I checked my seven month old daughter but she was clean. It was then that I realised that Tim had not asked to go potty for a while so I asked him and he said, "No."

I kept thinking to myself, "How embarrassing. My child has had an accident and I don't have any spare clothes with me."

Then I said, "Tim, are you sure you haven't had an accident?" "No!", he emphatically replied.

I just knew that he must have, as the smell was getting stronger so I asked him once again, "Are you really sure, Tim, that you haven't had just a little accident?"

With that he leapt from the table, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread the cheeks of his bottom and yelled, "SEE MUM, THEY'RE JUST FARTS!!!"

While 50 people nearly choked to death on their burgers and fries, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat back at the table to eat his food as if nothing had happened.

I was mortified.

An elderly couple made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had! Another old gentleman stopped us in the car park as we were leaving, bent over to my son and in a kindly voice said to Tim, "Don't worry son. My wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

Scott received a parrot for his birthday.

This bird was a fully grown parrot with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Scott tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to set a good example. But nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Scott put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming -- then suddenly there was quiet.

Scott was afraid he may have hurt the bird and threw open the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Scott's extended arm and said "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Scott was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued....

"May I ask what the chicken did?".

An oldie but a goodie....

Long-Distance Calls

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call.