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I Am Tired Of My Husband Earning a Living!

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I Am Tired Of My Husband Earning a Living!

from JoeUser Forums

   [sarcasm] I mean really he works 12 hours a day (and never the same 12) and then he insists that I manage to keep on top of the bills somehwere in my 12 hour a day at home schedule! What does he expect of me? I mean I spend 3 hours a day on houseworks at least! SO what if eh does the dishes after I spend an hour a day cooking for him? Thats still 4 hours of solid work out of the 12 he is away from home! That bastard!

 

How dare he earn a living! Fuck him and his "military life"! I deserve better!

[/sarcasm]

 

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Reply #76 from JoeUser Forums Top

St. Dharma, patron saint of junior enlisted spouses everywhere.

Yeah, that's right.  I am.  A saint, that is.  I polish my halo every fucking morning and hang it on my bedpost at night.  Oh, and he's an E-6, thanks very much.  Not exactly junior enlisted and not quite senior enlisted.

Do I wear my husband's rank on my sleeve?  No, but I'm damn proud of it.  I'd rather support him and get on with life than sit around and bitch about how the military's fucking up my life.  You're taking the paycheck, aren't you?  And the medical care?  And all the other perks that come along with military life, like having a babysitter to make sure you don't go without food?  Would you get that with any other job?  I doubt it.

I've learned the hard way that it's a hell of a lot easier and less stressful to become involved in your man's career than it is to constantly fight over him and his job.  See, I used to be like you.  I was always biching to him about coming home late, about exercises, about this and that and the other.  I got sick of it, because all I was doing was complaining.  I made the decision to get involved, to make a concerted effort to help him out and understand where he's coming from, and things have been a LOT better ever since.  Are they perfect?  No, but they're a damn sight easier than they used to be.

Contrary to what you might think, I'm not on my knees waiting to give him a BJ as soon as he walks in the door,  I'm not his fucking servant, and I'm not advocating that other military spouses are either.  There's a middle ground between being subservient and helping your husband in his military career.  I try to stand on that.  Do I bitch sometimes?  Sure I do, I'm human.  However....they're things that I blame my husband the person for, not the entity that is the military for.  The last time I bitched about the military was when he had to work late the entire first week that he went back to work, and then I was misguided in doing so.  I should have bitched about the lame ass ADC who didn't get his shit together and made everybody wait around on him and about my man for not speaking up and saying he had to leave.

I honestly thought that you'd been in for 3 or 4 years, judging from your attitude.  Seems you haven't learned much over the last decade, huh? 

Your husband in the issue, not the military.  Perhaps all this has taught you to separate the two.

 

Reply #77 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ya see it's her exact attitude that cost me my marriage while I was in. I have talked to my ex about it and she has admitted that she believes the breakup to be mostly her doing.


I think she's just frazzled and discouraged. The best thing we can do for her is encourage her, be a safe place for her to talk things out, and help her look at the bright side.


Just this once I'll take your word on the programs. But "only" this time.

See I've known women like her all my life. And invariably they not worth the trouble they cause. Just my opinion. I think that Dharmagrl has it dead on in this case. There I go thinking again. Damn stuff "always" gets me in trouble.
Sins of a Solar Empire: Rebellion
Reply #78 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think that Dharmagrl has it dead on in this case


Oh good, I can go polish my halo in celebration now.

Seriously, being married to the military is hard. You and your husband have to be on the same wavelength when it comes to his career, otherwise the military can break you. I've seen it happen a lot: she can't handle that she doesn't come first and isn't the center of attention, he can't handle her complaining all the time....and there goes the marriage.

I think that LM's case is a little different though. I think that her husband has some personal issues that he needs to sort out and that the military is taking the blame for a lot of stuff.
Reply #79 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think that Dharmagrl has it dead on in this case


Oh good, I can go polish my halo in celebration now.


Better make sure it's extra shiny, or it won't pass inspection!

Seriously, being married to the military is hard. You and your husband have to be on the same wavelength when it comes to his career, otherwise the military can break you. I've seen it happen a lot: she can't handle that she doesn't come first and isn't the center of attention, he can't handle her complaining all the time....and there goes the marriage.


Which is "exactly" what happened to my first marriage. Course it took 2 more before I finally got it right!

LM's case? She needs to lighten up some.
Reply #80 from JoeUser Forums Top
I am SOO glad that I am completely removed from the military life now. It had been a rule of mine after my first marriage to never date a military guy again. I messed that up by bending the rules enough to date and marry a guy in the Guards. And that came around to bite me in the ass. Some people just aren't cut out to be military spouses, and I am one of them. I like flowers, and phone calls, and oh, yeah...a physical presence!

Being a military wife is hard, and it's the military that makes it hard. It's the nature of the job.
Reply #81 from JoeUser Forums Top
PS - I don't think you're an asshole. I think you've acted like an asshole.


This reminds me of one of my favorite Army jokes. Here goes -

After getting chewed out for whatever, a young PVT asks his SGT, "SGT, would I get in trouble if I called you an asshole?". To which, the SGT replies, "Damn straight you would!" The PVT then asks, "Would I get in trouble if I thought you were an asshole?" The SGT responds, "No." The PVT immediately follows that answer up with, "Well, SGT, I THINK you're an asshole."

While the military does foster an atmosphere where subordinates look to seniors as an example, it is not the military's fault (if you will) for personal failings, whether that be at the junior level or the senior level. If a senior leader makes a bad decision or just plain does something stupid or wrong, that is still his fault, not that of the military. If a junior service member follows that lead, it is their fault, not that of the military. We can not say that the atmosphere of the military to follow the lead of our seniors is the blame of our bad decisions or practices. We have the finest Army on this planet, not only because it is a highly trained volunteer force, but also because of how we manage it. Very few armies in this world have as decentralized a leadership corps as our Army. The NCO Corps is something that is studied and (poorly ) emulated around the world because it works so well. We train even our junior most Soldiers to think for themselves and to act on their own for the specific purpose of stepping up into their bosses boots, if necessary. We empower even junior Soldiers to make decisions for themselves. It's something we call discipline. It's why we tell Soldiers it's OK to disobey a direct order if it is unlawful. We recognize two things with this empowerment - that PVT/SPC may have to give orders in the field if their SGT takes a bullet and that SGT may not be a paragon of virtue (greywar has gone on at length about the Army's promotion system and many of the flaws in it - suffice it to say I generally agree with him on this and that not always do we promote people that actually deserve it - while this can be attributed as a fault of the military, it is because of forces outside the services' control and with little effort the blame for that can be backtracked to any president within the past 20 years and by that logic, some might be able to blame President Reagan a shitty squad leader).

I'm going to continue to beat my own dead horse here a bit, so please bear with me -

To anyone that says the command climate influenced them to make a bad decision, I would turn the table and say that they were empowered to make the right decision by the military through their own personal discipline. This is something that is started in basic training. We do train troops that obediance of orders is a must, but we also train them their to make decisions. The military is required to give regular classes and training on personal ethics, responsibilty, and discipline. It may be that an individual may pay lip service to the requirements of doing this training, but that is the fault of an individual leader not making the right decision, not the military. I know how peer pressure works. I have seen people throw away what was dear to them because the people around them were doing the wrong thing. I have seen people in a "contributing environment" drink away their careers in one night. I take great exception to anyone that would say it was the Army's fault because earlier in the evening that Soldier saw his 1SG dancing on a pool table in his underwear.

We train our Soldiers to be responsible for their own actions. We train them to obey orders and in the absence of orders, take the right action. We do not tell them that lapses in a leader's discipline make it ok for them to have their own.

As for the NCO Creed (taking this from the other post, I think) saying a leader is responsible for their Soldier's actions, it works like this -

If my Soldier shows up to a deployment to Alaska without a set of long underwear, it's my ass. I should have made sure that he/she had a set in their possession prior to the deployment and that they knew to pack it. I should have checked up on them, too.

But, let me show you a true example of how you can take that too far - A young and newly promoted SGT goes downtown to Honolulu to celebrate with a few friends (not SGTs) with a few beers. A designated driver is set up and effectively utilized for this particular group. But, during the evenings fun, this group bumps into a few other Soldiers from the unit. This other group also has a designated driver. Towards the end of the night, one of the drunk Soldiers from the second group decides they don't want to leave their car downtown, even though that had been the initial plan. As people are loading in to cars, the young SGT (and only NCO in either group) is helped into a car and is quite oblivious of what is going on around him. He wasn't passed out drunk, just blissfully unaware of what is going on in the second group of people. On the drive home, the drunk Soldier is pulled over for running a red light and is arrested for drunk driving. When the command gets all this information, the SGT was given an Article 15 for being negligent in his duty. All because he is responsible for the actions of Soldiers around him. This happened to a guy I had trained from the day he arrived in the unit. IMHO, this was taking things too far and it hurt and ended the career of a promising young Soldier.

Now, here's another example - A SSG Squad Leader sets a very high example for personal responsiblity and professionalism. Goes out of his way to train his troops. Takes a genuine interest in them, not just their professional careers, but also in their personal lives. Gives the troops the oppurtunity to work on projects to develop themselves professionally. Allows them the chance to train and lead each other in tasks under his supervision. Generally does what the Army asks of him in being a professional, competent leader. A troop in that squad turns around one day and goes AWOL. Is the leader responsible for this action? Well, I can tell you, he damn well felt he was. I sat with this guy over a couple drinks as he poured out his heart over how he had failed. Of course, nobody blamed him other than himself, and I was never able to convince him of that.

There are limits to how responsible leaders are for the good and bad behavior of their troops, regardless of their own actions.

My apologies to greywar for going on so long in a comment. I know you prefer people to make their own posts and leave links if they want to go on at length like this.
Reply #82 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow...lots said since I posted. Let me just pick on this...
The military is far different from a civilian job. The military is a lifestyle. It permeates every aspect of your life.

I know lots of civilians who equate job with life. I see one person in particular who is gone 12-16 hours a day 6 days a week at his job. At home...he works more on stuff for his job. Friends outside of work are non-existant. His job is his lifestyle. So it's not just the miliary. I understand what you are getting at, but that doesn't mean the Army should be babysiting people because being Army is such a distint lifestyle.

The military is responsible for INFLUENCE that contributes to the Soldiers' downfall.

So the college is responsible for the INFLUENCE that contributes to excessive partying and drinking in the students? If a student fails or sleeps around, they can blame it on the "lifestyle" of college and absolve themselves from responsibility? Or are they only 70% at fault and the college 20% and the teachers 10%? C'mon. this is silly.

I'm sorry. The military is not nessisarily a pretty place. People are crass, rude and evil. People are also good, upstanding, honorable soldiers. If you don't like the enviornment you are in....be a man. Stand up for your beliefs and standards and try to change it. But don't expect life, the military or anything else to coddle you. It won't.

Chiprj said a lot of good stuff and pointed out examples in both directions. Life ain't fair. People screw up. Leaders are only responsible to a point. YOU control your destiny.
Reply #83 from JoeUser Forums Top
chip: You know that I have great respect for you, your knowledge, and your opinions, and what you've said here makes a lot of sense.

I suppose when I say I blame the "military," that's not what I mean. I blame the specific leaders who put "peer pressure" on their Soldiers to do things that are wrong or self-destructive.

I don't think this alleviates a Soldier's guilt, but I do think it is an influence that should not exist. I think leaders should be held to very high standards. I'm not in the military, it's none of my business, but that's my personal opinion.

I don't think that the leaders should be psychic or micromanage the lives of their Soldiers. I do think that in their own conduct, they should provide an example worth following. When they fail to do so, I think they should be held accountable.

The Soldier's culpability and punishment is independent of this. Where the whole bad leadership and peer pressure thing comes in is not in assigning blame, but in understanding the influences that affected the Soldier's decision. To deny that it affects the Soldier's decision is to deny human nature.

This does not mean that I think a Soldier is a helpless little robot who cannot make choices without having them dictated to them. A strong man in a bad situation can (and does) make good choices even when those around him are encouraging him to give in. A weak man in a bad situation can (but usually doesn't) make good choices when those around him are encouraging him to give in.

The Army is not responsible for the weak man's weakness. But it is human nature that we will all be weak in one way or another. Which is why we choose to avoid that which tempts us.

Anyways, I appreciate your respectful and thorough reply, Chip, and it's given me a lot to think about.
Reply #84 from JoeUser Forums Top
The Army is not responsible for the weak man's weakness. But it is human nature that we will all be weak in one way or another. Which is why we choose to avoid that which tempts us.


At last I can say that I agree with you here. It is tough for first-term soldiers to know what they are signing up for so I cut firt termers a lot of slack. Once they sign that re-up contract though all the slack is gone. There are folks who do not respond well to temptation and the military is one of the many jobs they should avoid.