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I Am Tired Of My Husband Earning a Living!

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I Am Tired Of My Husband Earning a Living!

from JoeUser Forums

   [sarcasm] I mean really he works 12 hours a day (and never the same 12) and then he insists that I manage to keep on top of the bills somehwere in my 12 hour a day at home schedule! What does he expect of me? I mean I spend 3 hours a day on houseworks at least! SO what if eh does the dishes after I spend an hour a day cooking for him? Thats still 4 hours of solid work out of the 12 he is away from home! That bastard!

 

How dare he earn a living! Fuck him and his "military life"! I deserve better!

[/sarcasm]

 

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Reply #26 from JoeUser Forums Top

Like the military spent thousands of dollars flying him home early to do?

That is something very few military spouses choose to recognize...

Reply #27 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh, and just to be fair, I will say that I am pretty happy with my end of the deal. I've had to work my ass off in the past.

What's expected of me now is to keep the dishes done and make sure he has clean PTs. He doesn't ask for a lot. Everything else I do is considered "wow, thank you honey" material.

I do get bogged down with the stuff with the kids and managing the house and finances, but I view it as my job. We don't have problems with the money issues because I pay the bills (in full on paydays) and every few days I tell Adrian how much discretionary money we have. He doesn't usually spend much anyways, and the thing he spends the most on right now is the diamond ring he has on layaway for me. It's driving me crazy that he is spending so much of our available money on it, but I don't dare complain, haha.

I actually like the military lifestyle and think it suits our family pretty well. It's not perfect, but it's stable income and I'm able to stay home with the children. And Adrian's done very well at it. His job is challenging and interesting, and it's something he can be proud of. At this point, for me, it seems that the benefits outweigh the all the bad stuff.

But not all women have it as good as I do. It's not easy.
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Reply #28 from JoeUser Forums Top
dharma:
I think that there were some slightly extenuating circumstances there, but yeah, I was bitching about the military.


I don't blame you for bitching. I don't think you were wrong for expressing your frustrations. I just wanted to point out that it's something that most of us do.
Reply #29 from JoeUser Forums Top

I don't blame you for bitching.

A bitching soldier is a happy soldier.

 

My point is that the spuse in question is blaming the military for things the military didn't do. The military doesn't hold a gun to your head and tell you to cheat, you do that on your own.

Reply #30 from JoeUser Forums Top
My point is that the spuse in question is blaming the military for things the military didn't do. The military doesn't hold a gun to your head and tell you to cheat, you do that on your own.


I've never seen her blame the military for that. And her most recent blog had nothing to do with infidelity, although I know that resentment from that can carry over into the rest of the relationship which is why I suggested counseling to her.

I am the one who is "blaming" the military for the atmosphere that holds the Soldier up as the most important person in the family and which encourages Soldiers to be base, immature, and unfaithful through the examples and interaction of their leaders.

In my husband's case, the majority of his company was cheating or getting divorced. The leadership was practicing sexual harassment as well as infidelity and encouraging the Soldiers to join in. They set the tone by joking and bragging about infidelity, both real and imagined. They encouraged the Soldiers to think only of themselves and their immediate desires.

In an environment where everyone, including the people who are responsible for you and who you are supposed to emulate are doing these things, it is easy for a person to go along with the crowd. A strong person might not give in, but all the affairs and divorces in my husband's company are the testament to how easy it was to just follow the leadership.

This doesn't take the responsibility away from the Soldier. It is ultimately his or her choice to make. However, the military has a long way to go in this area if they wish to continue promoting themselves as being supportive of families.

We pick up mannerisms and behaviors from those we are around most. When you have no choice but be around people who are doing the wrong thing, there's a good chance you're going to pick those bad mannerisms and behaviors up. It's basic psychology.

It's something I feel that the military needs to address.
Reply #31 from JoeUser Forums Top

I am the one who is "blaming" the military for the atmosphere that holds the Soldier up as the most important person in the family and which encourages Soldiers to be base, immature, and unfaithful through the examples and interaction of their leaders.

You are kidding here right? The *organization* is responsible for the actions of a retard? Please...

Reply #32 from JoeUser Forums Top
You are kidding here right? The *organization* is responsible for the actions of a retard? Please...


No, I'm not kidding. We are all responsible for our own actions. However, I do blame the military (and again, it's not like this throughout, but it's not exactly rare, either) for providing an atmosphere where debauchery and neglect of family responsibilities are encouraged. Do you feel that it's OK for the leadership to engage in and encourage this sort of thing?

With friendships and other relationships, we can choose who we want to be around. If our friends live a lifestyle that we find distasteful we can stop seeing them. In the military, you cannot simply stop being around your leadership and coworkers.

My husband has always been an upstanding, devoted family man. Please believe me when I tell you that what he did was completely out of character for him. It was if he was someone else. This is not an excuse for the decision he made. However, had he not been in this atmosphere, this would not have happened. He would never have chosen to put himself in that type of environment. I'm sure that you won't believe that, and that's fine because you don't have to. I know him better than anyone else, I am certain of it, and that is all that matters.

You have no idea the tears he's cried and the remorse and guilt that has eaten at him over the mistakes he made. He is stronger now, and more aware of what can happen if he allows it. As damaging as all that's taken place has been, it has in a sense strengthened our marriage.

He could withstand that atmosphere now, where he couldn't before. But the question is, why should he have to? Why should Soldiers be subjected to that and tested like that?

It needs to be fixed.
Reply #33 from JoeUser Forums Top

No, I'm not kidding. We are all responsible for our own actions. However, I do blame the military (and again, it's not like this throughout, but it's not exactly rare, either) for providing an atmosphere where debauchery and neglect of family responsibilities are encouraged.

That is the same as blaming Mc Donalds and the Cold Stone Creamery for "encouraging" people to be fat! Utter nonsense.

Reply #34 from JoeUser Forums Top
Haha, not exactly. I don't think "blame" is necessarily the right word. I wouldn't carry it quite that far. We are all accountable for our actions and the choices we make.

However, our experiences and interactions with others can influence the choices we make. It's still our choice, and we are still the one to blame, but we can look back and examine what influenced our choice. When we see that there is something that influences us negatively, then we remove that influence in order to lessen our temptation to do what we know is wrong.

If your leadership or your coworkers are the negative influence, then what do you do?

Some aspects of military culture are negative influences, and pockets exist where the negative influence is strong and permeates nearly every part of a Soldier's life.

Again, why should this exist? It clearly goes against Army values and some of it violates the UCMJ. Soldiers are told to look to their leadership for examples of how to conduct themselves, and yet many have leadership that show favor to and reward Soldiers who are doing these things. You don't see this as wrong?
Reply #35 from JoeUser Forums Top

Some aspects of military culture are negative influences, and pockets exist where the negative influence is strong and permeates nearly every part of a Soldier's life.

It is the Soldier who makes the decision here. If life has no choices then we are simply automatons. If you or you loved ones make a bad choice it is cowardly to blame (your word not mine) their job for "promoting an enviornment".

Reply #36 from JoeUser Forums Top
greywar: So, you have no problem with the leadership engaging in affairs, encouraging those under them to have affairs, engaging in sexual harassment and encouraging those under them to engage in sexual harassment, as well as introducing their Soldiers to women with the intent of the Soldier sleeping with the woman, and providing condoms and places for the men to sleep with the woman, and then covering for the Soldier and giving them high fives and attaboys for the infidelity?

We can disagree about whether our external experiences affect our behavior, but do you disagree that what I've described above is wrong and should not be taking place?
Reply #37 from JoeUser Forums Top
So, you have no problem with the leadership engaging in affairs, encouraging those under them to have affairs


Nope. It is not the place of ANY employer to take responisbility for the personal affairs of ANY employees.
Reply #38 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow. I'm disappointed. Then what's the point of having NCOs? You remember the creed, right? It's called "leadership" for a reason.

Wow.

I don't even know what to say. It's difficult to understand how someone could actually feel that it is appropriate for the NCOs in charge of the Soldiers to do these things. What ever happened to discipline, honor, ethics? Are the NCOs not supposed to lead by example?

Some of the things I've described are punishable under the UCMJ, and yet you see no problem with it?

Wow.
Reply #39 from JoeUser Forums Top
You really have no idea what you are talking about. I appreciate that my husband goes to work everyday and provides for our family. I know that his command sucks big time and that he is stuck there for at least another year and a half.

My point is that he goes on det. I am not sitting on my ass watching soaps, knitting scarves and eating bon bons. I do daycare over ten hours a day. I change poopy diapers and wipe snotty noses and contribute to this household. And when my day is over do I get to punch out and relax and enjoy myself and do whatever I want. No I still have three kids of my own to take care of. I do not get thirty days of paid leave a year. I do not get to call in and come in late because I was up late the night before. I have to drag my ass out of bed every morning whether I feel like it or not.

I pay the bills, take care of the kids, maintain the household and what do I get - appreciation, respect, thankfulness? No - I get my ass chewed for something completely retarded. The bill was paid in full. The next bill arrived yesterday and will be paid on full by the due date. And though I know he has to work on his det's. He also went to a Dodgers game, played golf three times, went to the beach. I got to go to Walmart and buy school supplies for my kids - how exciting for me. Also he manages to spend more than allotted on all of these dets. But I should just suck it up so he can have his fun. I am tired of my husband earning a living - kiss my ass. That's fair. But hey thanks for the sarcastic post. I really appreciated it. Walk a mile in my flip flops. You wouldn't think it was so great. I guarantee it.
Reply #40 from JoeUser Forums Top
It's difficult to understand how someone could actually feel that it is appropriate for the NCOs in charge of the Soldiers to do these things. What ever happened to discipline, honor, ethics? Are the NCOs not supposed to lead by example?


Never said it was apporpriate, but the acts of bad leaders are NOT any sort of excuse for poor behavior by anyone else. EVER. "Well he did it." is just as stupid when you are 30 as it was when you are 6. If anyone is using that as an excuse they need to grow up and be an adult. Period. NOTHING an NCO, Officer, or private does excuses someones personal choices and to say otherwise is simply making excuses for an immature and irresponsible "adult".
Reply #41 from JoeUser Forums Top
I pay the bills, take care of the kids, maintain the household and what do I get - appreciation, respect, thankfulness? No - I get my ass chewed for something completely retarded.


The Military's fault? Nope. Your husband's fault? Damn right it is. Blame him, not his job.
Reply #42 from JoeUser Forums Top
I am sick and tired of the Navy owning him and since the own him they own me. I know its a steady paycheck. I know at the time he joined it was the best thing for our family but I think it sucks and I'm sick of it. I feel bad complaining because he is not over in Iraq carrying a gun but somehow that doesn't make my situation feel much better.


I just pasted this so that you know what I am taking exception to. You are not sick of the Navy owning him, you are sick of him being a total dick. Not even remotely the same thing.
Reply #43 from JoeUser Forums Top
I didn't blame the military. I just said that the separations make the hard work of making a marriage and life even harder. It is definately an added stress and strain on the marriage. If he had another sucky job, he could look for something better and give his two weeks notice. Not so here.
Reply #44 from JoeUser Forums Top
If he had another sucky job, he could look for something better and give his two weeks notice.


This is true but would he? The situation you describe seems to suit him just fine. The job is not the problem. The man is.
Reply #45 from JoeUser Forums Top
Okay - I am sick of him being a total dick.
Reply #46 from JoeUser Forums Top

Reply By: LocamamaPosted: Thursday, August 25, 2005
Okay - I am sick of him being a total dick.

Perhaps it is time to tell him, and not Greywar.  I do understand much more than you realize.  But GW is not the problem or the instigator.

I wish you the best.

Reply #47 from JoeUser Forums Top
There's a distinction here that I haven't been able to articulate. I'm not saying that command is responsible for the actions of the Soldier.

What I'm saying is that what went on in my husband's (and numerous others) company was wrong and inappropriate. I'm saying that the leadership is culpable for their role in it. Not for the actions of the Soldiers, but for their own actions.

The leadership IS responsible for their Soldiers' well being in as much as they can impact it. They cannot control the choices that their Soldiers make, but they are responsible for doing everything they can to guide their Soldiers and help them make good choices. It is this way by design.

I'm not saying, "it's their fault my husband did this". They are responsible for their actions, which influenced his actions. He made a choice. They placed the choice in front of him. They are responsible for creating the choice for him because it was a choice that was not appropriate and should not have existed. They are guilty for their part in it, not for his actions.

When a bar sees that a patron is drunk, and they continue to serve him alcohol knowing that he plans to drive home, they are responsible for the wrong of continuing to serve him. If he does drive and gets in an accident and kills some one, it's his fault, and he will be the one serving the time. His choice to drive is completely on him. The bar's continuing to serve him alcohol is on them.

This is true, even when the bar is not responsible for the patron on the level that a Soldier's command is responsible for him.

There's a nuance here that I'm having difficulty expressing.

PS - Your little jabs at my husband are not necessary. These are my thoughts, not his. He takes full responsibility for his actions. He is not a "retard" or a "child". He is a very good husband and a beautiful human being. He makes SGT on the first, and his is committed to being an exemplary NCO and providing his Soldiers with the excellent leadership that he was denied.
Reply #48 from JoeUser Forums Top
I am not sitting on my ass watching soaps, knitting scarves and eating bon bons.


If that was meant for me...well, don't. Don't go any further. I can walk away from a lot of stuff, so let it go now.

I'm not going to get into a pissing contest over this, but I will tell you that i have more years of military spousehip under my belt than you do, and that your attitude is one a see a lot amongst younger wives.
Reply #49 from JoeUser Forums Top
I just said that the separations make the hard work of making a marriage and life even harder.


You also said that his command sucks and that he was going to be there for another year and a half. That, to me, smacks of blaming the military.

There are always going to be sucky commands, sucky deployments, sucky bosses and sucky jobs. Get used to it. If you can't get used to it, get out. This can be a hard life and with things being what they are globally, it's not going to get any easier. It's not for eveyone....and from what you've said, I don't think that it's for you.
Reply #50 from JoeUser Forums Top
What I'm saying is that what went on in my husband's (and numerous others) company was wrong and inappropriate.


Sure it is, but it is in no way an excuse, a mitigating facotr, or a lessening of responsibility for anyone under their command.

The leadership IS responsible for their Soldiers' well being in as much as they can impact it.

Sure asre, they make sure they are paid, housed, fed, and trained for the accomplishment of the mission. The soldiers personal lives are reeviewed as well and if they do something to fuck up their readiness level (write bad checks, fuck their neighbor, shoot a dog) then the Soldier gets his nuts slammed in the UCMJ book because it is THEIR FAULT.



When a bar sees that a patron is drunk, and they continue to serve him alcohol knowing that he plans to drive home, they are responsible for the wrong of continuing to serve him.



This is also fairly retarded and a great example of how badly tort reform is needed in this nation. The bar made this guy a drunk? I think not. No more than Jack Daniels should be held responisble for what people do when they drink it. You drink it, it is your fucking problem.

Your little jabs at my husband are not necessary


I only use "you" and "your" because you are using them as examples. I don'
t know your husband but if these examples are real then they are his responsiblity and no one elses. No one. If they aren't real then I apologize but you used "my husband" in your examples. Only fair that I get to respond in the same person don't you think?