This one is so old I will have to type it out.

What is the difference between a hooker a mistress and a wife?
The hooker says ... faster, faster, faster.
The mistress says... slower, slower, slower.
The wife says... beige! I think I'll paint it beige.

My wife belongs to D.A.M.


Mothers Against Dyslexia

I am learning very fast that when things get kind of *isgh* all ya got to do is browse around and peeps here give ya a shot of *HA*

you know, it's kinda nice

Phooey, I just looked at your Amish page, I'm still laughing!

Here's my contribution

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some

horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.



"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it

was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is

hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground

after going only about a 100 yards."



"Is that when you swore?"



"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the

bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."



"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.



Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running,

an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in

his talons and began to fly away!"



"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.



"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,

it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."



"Did you swear THEN? asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.



"No because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,

rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole"



The two nuns were silent for a moment.



Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the

****ing putt, didn't you.

*Kim*

Kim!

Good one Kim!!

Keep 'em coming!

Ok My turn! This might have already been told... but realy can't be bothered to read thru 15 pages to find out!!

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness,
which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The f*****g funeral director," said his wife.

Phooey's BONUS Joke of the Day
Parential Discretion on this one please.


A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance
together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
Sure! Allah Akbar!"
On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with
a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a
bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"

hehe

Male Dumb blond!
Three Business men are sitting in a bar and discussing how stupid their wives where,
The first guy says, "I tell you, mjy wife is so stupid that last week she went to the supermarket and bought $500 of meat because it was half price, and we don't have a fridge big enough to keep it all in!"
The second guy says; "That's nothing, last week my wife went and spent $17,000 on a new car and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third guy, a blond, agrees that the other two wives sounded pretty thick, "However!" he says "my wife is the thickest! Last week as she was packing for her greek holiday i noticed that she had packed a box of 50 condoms, and she doesn't even have a penis!!"

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

Two American men and one American woman




One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
ménage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in
order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However,
they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat,
how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than
they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of
all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they
could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted
island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done
and go shopping...

Mr Xaltec! ROTF!!

Not so much jokes, but i find em funny!

1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila,three tequila, floor.
3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and Apes?
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11) Is there another word for synonym?
12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to Remain silent?
22) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23) How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"
24) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26) What was the best thing before sliced bread?

~bows to phOOey~

Four men rode in a car : a mechanical engineer, an electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The MECHANICAL engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair
them and be on our way."

The ELECTRICAL engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The CHEMICAL engineer said, "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush
the system and be on our way."

They turned to the COMPUTER engineer. "What do you think we should do ?"
they asked.

The COMPUTER engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of
the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

Heh! One more and it's beddy byes time for me!



Sometimes....

Sometimes ....
when you cry ...
no one sees your tears......

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt...

Sometimes...
when you are worried....
no one sees your stress......

Sometimes ...
when you are happy ...
no one sees your smile ......




But FART!! just one time...

Everybody knows!!

Ok ok... i lied.... one more (promise!) hehe



Two explorers are in the depths of the rain forest, when they come across a clearing.
In the middle of this clearing stand a large statue and in the middle of the statues forehead is a huge gem stone.

"I'm going to climb that statue and get that gem!" Says the first explorer.
With that he clambers up to the gem.
"Duh, if you want this gem you're gunna havta make love to me!" says the statue.
The explorer jumps from the statue and runs back to the other explorer.
"Could'nt get it huh?" says explorer number 2, "well I'll get it!"
And with that he precedes to clamber where his friend had gone.
Upon reaching the face of the statue it speaks again,
"Duh, if you want this gem you're gunna havta make love to me!"
The explorer calmly climbs down and walks back to his buddy.
"We're going back to the States." He tells him.
"Why?" Asks the guy.
"To get George Bush," He replies, "He's the only Idol F****r I know!!"

ooops! Punch line should be...
"He's the only Stupid Idol F****r I know!"

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter? Afraid to fly?" said the first guy.
"No, it's worse than that. I've been transferred to Los Angeles,
California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, corrupt cops, the highest crime rate in the country..."
"Hold on," said the first guy. "I've lived in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "Oh nothing big, I'm just a tail gunner on a bread truck."



Great Jokes today! Hats off to Keila, Mr werewolf, Kimbabe, Mr Xaltec and anyone I might have missed! You're keeping me laughing!

WC bank is very pleased to inform you that we are

installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines where our

customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving

their vehicles.



To enable our customers to make full use of these new

facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioral studies to

come up with the appropriate procedure for their use.



Please read the procedures that apply to you,

(i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you

use our new machines for the first time.



PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:



Drive up to the cash machine.

Wind down your car window.

Insert card into the machine and enter PIN.

Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

Wind up window.

Drive off.



PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:



Drive up to the cash machine.

Reverse back the required distance to align car window

with the cash machine.

Restart the stalled engine.

Wind down the window.

Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat

and locate card.

Turn the radio down.

Attempt to insert card.

Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due

to its excessive distance from the car.

Insert card.

Re-insert card the right way up.

Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written

on the inside back page.

Enter PIN. #

Press, "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

Enter amount of cash required.

Check makeup in rear view mirror.

Retrieve cash and receipt.

Empty handbag again to locate purse and place

cash inside.

Place receipt in back of checkbook.

Re-check makeup.

Drive forward 2 meters.

Reverse back to cash machine.

Retrieve card.

Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card

into the slot provided.

Restart stalled engine and pull away.

Drive for 2 or 3 miles.

Release handbrake.



Say goodnight Gracie

, are you sure about that? Maybe they are just too ___ so they won't moan

Ignore my last comment. I didn't realize that we were on page 15. I was refering to end of page 14

I am thankful....
FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, NOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES,
BECAUSE THAT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME & NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH
TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY.......FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

Man, I get jokes from 3places and alot of them. My mom and 2 friends. Check my mail and there are 25new pieces every day. I just shove them into my Joke folder and don't even look at them Till now :Þ

Phooey's Lunchtime Quickie

Laws

1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

4. Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

5. Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

6. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

7. Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house

Kind of long, but reminds me of Maine


Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print.

So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again.

What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor
tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible.

Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.

This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.

I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,which I think was
very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.Electricity was
off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to
do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.

God I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.

More shoveling.

Took all day.

Goddamn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey.
I think they're lying.

Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying.

Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit
fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt til August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time
I got undressed, pissed and dressed again I was too tired to shovel!

Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but
he says he's too busy.
I think the a**hole is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate
the front of the house this morning.
What, is she nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.Thought I was having a
heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll
drag him through the snow by his b*lls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere
I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25:
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.
Snowed in.

The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow
driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to
watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of
waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's
the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in.
I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for
only the beating I gave him,but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up
his a**.
The wife wenthome to her mother.
9" predicted.

December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.

January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?