..that could be dangerous!

Joke time!

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to our six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner"!

It may be, but I'm willing to take that chance!

Two elderly ladies were out driving in a large car. Both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along
they came to an intersection.

The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be
loosing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red
light."

After a few more minutes they came to another inter-section
and the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was
loosing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very
close attention to the road and the next intersection to see
what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red, and they went right through. She turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have had us killed!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh hell, am I driving...?"

Once upon a time .....
Kentucky hillbilly, Dwayne Suggs was drafted into the Army
and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb.
The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.
On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush.
On the next day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.
On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...
that afternoon Dwayne went AWOL

Phooey's Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs!

http://www.solarnight.com/signs/

MARTHA STEWART VERSUS REAL WOMEN




Martha Stewart: If you accidentally add too much salt to a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the
excess salt for an instant "fix me up."



Real Women: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it,
you will eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes."



Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.



Real Women: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?



Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.



Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,
eating it anyway.



Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.



Real Women: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. It will keep in the
pantry for up to a year.



Martha Stewart: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
dish, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.



Real Women: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.



Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.



Real Women: The Mrs. Smith's frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't do it.



Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.



Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.



And finally, the most important tip - Martha Stewart: Don't throw out
all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.



Real Women: Leftover wine??????


Calling it an early evening....Say Goodnight Gracie

LMAO, I love the signs and your suggestions.

Idiot Of The Week: Bobby Brown

Bobby Brown was sentenced to 8 days in a Georgia jail for breaking his parole.

Brown was told by a Georgia judge to not leave the state of Georgia until after his drunk driving trial had been completed. Brown left Georgia to perform at the "American Music Awards" in Los Angeles.

The Georgia judge saw Brown's performance, and issued his arrest right away.

Maybe Bobby Brown didn't know that television sets are sold in Georgia. Now he does, and we thank him for being this week's big idiot.

Got this in my e-mail today

Ponderous Thoughts

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* If quitters never win, & winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

*If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

* Clones are people two.

* No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

* As I said before, I never repeat myself!

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

* When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Funnnnny!!!


One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said...
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"


Off to work!

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were
being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.
I could swear I've recently been with some of these people...

Good one Mr. werewolf!

It's January...and a bit cold in the northern hemisphere

Temperature

"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to
overcome the confusion.

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 You can see your breath Californians shiver
uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don't start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start

-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start

-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man
said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy S**t, a talking pig!'"

LMAO, I like that one.

My Turn

Presidents in Oz
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they
are whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come
before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF
OZ?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps
forward, "Well........., I....... I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard.
"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush
sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing
there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard
finally asks,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"

This is true...




Advertisement

Movie Secrets

Get ready to dominate every movie conversation for the rest of your life.

Maxim, February 2003

OK, so you can quote entire monologues from Pulp Fiction and you know that the only correct answer to the question “How do you measure yourself against other golfers?” is “By height.” Frankly, pal, that’s freshman-level stuff. If you want to ace a shootin’-the-movie-shit-around-the-bar exam, you’re going to need to cram. Luckily, we’ve scribbled down a cool trivia cheat sheet, chock-full of inside info about your favorite flicks that Ebert would trade his left donut to know. Remember: There’s useless crap, and then there’s useless crap you can use to one-up your buddies.

PAYBACK’S A BITCH
Why entertain when you can just take cheap shots at your enemies instead?

In 1996’s Independence Day, the filmmakers included a sarcastic crack about The X-Files. So in 1998’s X-Files movie, Agent Mulder (David Duchovny) just happens to drain his little green man all over an ID4 poster in an alley. S-s-s-s-subtle.

Disgruntled Who Framed Roger Rabbit animators sneaked Disney boss Michael Eisner’s home phone number into some background graffiti. The gag was yanked from the video release.

In the unauthorized John Belushi biopic Wired, the sound of helicopter blades accompanies the appearance of a fictionalized John Landis. Why? Well, Landis directed the segment of 1983’s Twilight Zone: The Movie in which actor Vic Morrow and two children were decapitated when a helicopter stunt went awry. Ouch!

Horror honcho Wes Craven named A Nightmare on Elm Street’s bogeyman Freddy Kreuger after a kid who bullied him in grade school. Sheesh, the girl who dumped him on prom night must really dread every new Craven release.

THE QUICK AND THE PAID
The short stories behind some cool cameos.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre snagged his role as Cameron Diaz’ ex in There’s Something About Mary when the original jock, San Francisco’s Steve Young, passed on it because the vulgarity-laced script went against his strict Mormon beliefs.

Fookin’ hell, mate! The sleazy dealer from whom Renton buys the suppositories in Trainspotting is none other than the novel’s bad-boy author himself, Irvine Welsh.

The prison guard who returns Jake Blues’ belongings (including a soiled prophylactic) in The Blues Brothers is played by Frank Oz, a.k.a. the voice of Yoda. Three years later the warbly voiced actor-director would again cameo as a prison guard, this time in Trading Places. Cool!

WAR’S HELL
How great war movies got the blood-and-guts details right.

There’s a reason why the tough-guy actors in The Deer Hunter’s harrowing Russian roulette scene—Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken, and John Savage—look so genuinely scared shitless: A live round was put in the gun, with crew members trusted to check that the bullet wasn’t in the chamber.

To heighten the gut-wrenching realism of Saving Private Ryan’s D-day invasion, director Steven Spielberg cast real amputees to play GI’s with their limbs freshly blown off. Hey, fellas, wave to the camera!

The reason the grunts in Platoon look so naturally wasted in the scene where Sergeant Elias (Willem Dafoe) and mates smoke marijuana is that they lit up real Thai weed. The catering table was never heard from again

Oh what was the name of that B grade Psycho movie, Attack of the Killer Clowns ?

everyone high-school student should be required to read " Johnny's got his gun " and then go to the VA hospital at least once a week to send a day talking with war-time disabled vet's for a month, 4 visits at least.

What I want to know is what is the damn difference between Bombing downtown Iraq and every other place or palace Saddam might be at, killing say 3000 people, than going to war and killing at least as many if not more by direct action on our part or by Saddam pulling a Jim Jones?

Attack of the Killer Tomatos

Don't know why I said that.

didn't they have one heck of a pot of sauce at the end of that movie.

Phooey's Joke of the Day


Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving *more* than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Now, go get that promotion!

I've seen that one and everytime I see it I still laugh. Probably because it's all true.

What's the difference between a vitamine and a hormone...?

...

You can't hear a vitamine!

But, you can hear a whore moan!

!!groan!!