GREAT WISDOM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his
tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by
his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working
along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three
feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind
him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole,
the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men
worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on
down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a
trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me
what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just dong our
job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it
up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting
the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning
on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig
the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts
the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't
mean that Leroy and me can't work."

Calling it a night...All this Super Bowl Stuff just wore me out!
Say Goodnight Gracie

Good Mornin'

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes
the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to
the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the
50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he
sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is
anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right
mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been at together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really
sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A
relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral.


Off to work!

A young man from Tampa dies, and, unfortunately, goes to Hell. As usual,
he's assigned to work in the sulfur pits. Lucifer comes by on a tour one
day, and he sees the boy whistling and laughing and enjoying himself.
Well, Lucifer walks up to the young man and says 'Boy - Why are you so
happy? Aren't you hot enough?'

The young man answers: 'Well, it's sure hot down here, but it reminds me
of July back in Tampa'

Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the
temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's boss. Well,
he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds the boy still
laughing and whistling and having a grand old time.

So Lucifer goes up to the boy and says 'Boy - I turned the heat up - why
are you so happy?'

The young man smiles and says 'Well, sir, it is hotter now than it was,
but this isn't any different than a warm day in August. It feels just
like home'.

So Lucifer goes away, and starts to thinking, and then he gets a big
grin on his face. (I'd call it a devilish grin, but that's kind of
redundant). Lucifer thinks to himself - 'Let's see how that Tampa boy
likes the cold.' So he goes and turns the heat way down in the sulfur
pits, so it gets icy cold, and there's snow and ice everywhere and the
winds howling and the tortured souls are getting frozen left and right.

He goes and checks on the boy, and the boy is still laughing - in fact
he seems to be laughing even harder than before. 'Boy.' says Lucifer.
'You were happy when it was hot, and now you're happy that it's cold.
Why are you so happy?'

The boy answers, with a big grin on his face.
'Hell froze over, The Bucs must have won the Superbowl!'

A guy walks into a post office one day to see
a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then
takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes
up to the balding man and asks him what he is
doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies

then

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue
for a woman who has just passed away. At the end
of the service, the pall bearers are carrying
the casket out when they accidentally bump
into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket
and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue
and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
are again carrying the casket. As they are
walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Got this one from my Uncle Cliff in email He'll be 84 this year and got online last year and now lives there...guess it runs in the family!

AAADD

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Thanks Uncle Cliff!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay
down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and
tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it
tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent!"

Lunch is over...get back to work!

Right, try this for size, then I'm off to bed...

There are 2 vampire bats stuck in a cave with a howling gale outside that's raged for 4 days - which basically means they're now hungry...

Suddenly one of the bats turns to the other and says: "That's it, I've had enough, I'm going out to find fresh blood!"...and off he flies.

Not 5 minutes later and he's back, with fresh blood smeared all over his mouth. "Were did you get it, were did you get it?", says the other bat excitedly.

"Come with me" says the first, and they both fly out the cave into the storm. Round the side of a hill, the first bat turns to his buddy and says: "See that tree?". The other bats says: "Yes, yes!!" He's really excited now.

"Well I didn't..." says the first.

"Nag almal" as we say in Afrikaans, my bed beckons.

5q4ull? is that a Afrikaan name? ...good one!

Problem Marriage


A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients

always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of

their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought

that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the

mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a

World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the

incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all

doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves

what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden

crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday

sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he

could use the vacuum cleaner.

After getting all of Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo
(and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the
Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take
your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry
but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something
should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work
that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my
God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls
over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five. " So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't
think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop. "All the
more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop. "What'd ya got there,
the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor?."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"He's got the Pope driving for him!"

Hard to believe, but another year has passed and we have once again have
the Darwin Award nominees. The Darwin is awarded every year to the person
who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way.

This year's nominees are:

Nominee No. 1:
[San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club
to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to
death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2:
[Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was
killed as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type
truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung
underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise.
Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3:
[Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself
to death in Newton, NC Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside
his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed a Smith & Wesson 38 Special,
which discharged when he put it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4:
[UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in
a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and
plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell
into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening
as he was demonstrating the strength of the building's windows to visiting
law students. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson,
told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest"
members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5:
[Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation
are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. An
autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage. It was just the right combination
of foods, and the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud
hanging over his bed. According to the article, "He was a big man with a
huge capacity for creating this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick
and one was hospitalized.

Nominee No. 6:
[The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird
posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric
chair on a murder conviction, but his sentence had just been reduced to life
in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his
small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 7:
[The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal
explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to
check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon
discharged in his face. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' home
about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle
loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look
into the barrel when the gun powder ignited.

Nominee No. 8:
[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the
balcony of his condominium apartment slipped and fell 23 stories to his
death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident
occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It
appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony."

Finally, Nominee No. 9, The Winner!!!:
[Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup
truck left the road and struck a tree on State Highway 38 early Monday.
Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after
midnight
Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock
were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. When the headlights
malfunctioned, the two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older
model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis
noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the
fuse
box. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate
properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River
Bridge.

After traveling approximately twenty miles the bullet apparently
overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle
swerved sharply right, exited the pavement and struck a tree. Poole suffered
only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to
repair the testicle. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released. Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's wife asked how many
frogs the boys had caught, and did anyone get them from the truck.

Oh My!

Some quick one liners...

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

* * * * * * *

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

* * * * * * *

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyergets frequent flyer miles.

* * * * * *

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

* * * * * * *

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

* * * * * * *

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know
the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a
living. The first little girl says, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a
postman."

The next little boy says, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says, "My name is Johnny and my father is a
striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the
school yard, she approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really
true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

Johnny blushed and said, "No, I'm sorry. My dad's the defensive
coordinator for the Oakland Raiders, but I was just too embarrassed
to say so."


Ack! Chill! it's just a joke! Helpppp! Raider fans are after me now!!!

The Shmoopy & ph00ey show!

Ph00ey...when do we take our act on the road?

Lets Go!

I'll let you have top billing

I already took top billing...didn't ya notice? *SMOOOOOCH* hehe

*SMOOOOOCH* back at ya!

Well then, this calls for a Joke to celebrate!

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his
bedside day and night.

One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer.
He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the
bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me
support. When my health started failing, you were still by
my side. You know what, Sadie?"

"What Dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

Alright! The Shmoopy & ph00ey show!

Need a groupie or roadie?

Need all the help I can get to haul Shmoopy's wardrobe around!

Okay - but I can't promise I won't take a peek at what may be in there!