It's funny coz it's SO true!

we'd have lost her for sure

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!"

A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking
the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to
the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that
cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the
ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to
the bar!"

"No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death."

"Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks
over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure
enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet
right in front of the bar.

"I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" .
So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches
the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar.

"Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!"

"Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second
fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to
fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.

The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink.
The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him:
"You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been
drinking, Superman".

Ok.... So maybe that's an old one... Makes me giggle everytime I hear it tho!

The priest and his brother are playing a round of golf.
At the first green the brother misses a 3foot putt. "Dammit I missed!" He yells.
The priest tuts and says "If you continue to curse like that, God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!"

Sure enough at the next hole the brother misses a 2foot putt. "Dammit I missed" He yells.
And at that moment the clouds open and a bolt of lightning strikes the priest down..

"DAMMIT I MISSED!" Says God!

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of her problem.

However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have to scr*w her again!"

A famous heart specialist doctor died and it's his funeral. A regular coffin
was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the
sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the
coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to
him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman"

The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaunghnessy?"

"Yes Father, it is"

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure, And I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation"

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say"

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell"

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I can't name her"

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed Father"

"Was it Finoa McDonald?"

"Please Father, I cannot tell you"

The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy and I sdmire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone for it. You cannot attend Church for three months. Be off with you now"

Tommy walked back to his pew and sat looking at the ground in shame. His friend Sean slides over to his side and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy twists his head in his friends direction without looking up and replys, "Three months vacations and 5 good leads"

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all'. Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guiness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage Through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm p***ed and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

I printed that out to put in my keepers folder

i cant believe phooey's not been fined by now. mua haha

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctor,
engineer, accountant and lawyer and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far
away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had
a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible
and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I
met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
bible.

It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth
it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite
it."
The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind.. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

I printed that out to put in my keepers folder

**Takes a comedy bow... and falls flat on face**
I thank you IP

ID Ten T Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that… in case I need to fix it again?”

The computer guy grinned. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So I wrote out: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Harold.

Rules For Buying Gifts For Men


Rule #1
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain.
As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George,
can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my
3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent
ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his
rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn
out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,
and flips.

Rule #6
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple
of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks" "Shorts"
"Cups" "Saucers" "Door" "Lock" "Sink"... You get the idea. No one knows
why.

Rule #7
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.
It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No
one knows why.

Rule #8
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue.
Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the
gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #9
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.

Rule #10
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you
don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a
label maker.

Rule #11
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension
ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #12
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at
least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope. No one knows why.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . .


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue “1”.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue “1”.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows”!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER………….

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START”..........