Two old ones:
There are three types of people:
1. Those who can count.
2. Those that can't.
Arguing on the internet is like competing in
the special olympics--even if you win you're
still retarded!

SQ Hell?? Speaking of Computer Viruses and Worms, here's some to watch for

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BOBBIT VIRUS Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1 Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2 Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

ELVIS VIRUS Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

LAPD VIRUS It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NEW YORK GIANTS VIRUS Makes your P4 machine perform like a 286/AT.

O.J. VIRUS It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

New Medications

S t . M o m ' s W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
______________________________
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.
______________________________
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and improves flirting.
______________
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment
of country western music.
_____________________________

Ebonic 10 Commandments

1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him
neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick it to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nuffin. #a1

O'my

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring,
and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him
to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing
her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated,
of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine
his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something! But
he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he
could resist no longer.

Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would
tell me about this." "Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little
package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it
would prevent disease.

And you know, I think it's working...
I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Actual Newspaper Headlines.

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

With Pleasure


I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary
was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked
what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

Ph00ey...you're too much! Where do you find these?

/me gives George a bright, flashy, innocent Gracie smile

Laughter is the best medicine...can't remember last time I had a cold!

The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes
the teacher asked Iben, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at
23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude...?"

After a confused silence, Iben offered this as his answer... "I guess
you'd be eating alone."

Phooey! you crack me up! I've never seem so many jokes come out of one person! I'll have to find one to add here.


*Kim*

Thanks Kim!


Peace Talks


Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round
of talks in a new peace process.

When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's
chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the
first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam
laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of
peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed
and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's
finally had enough.

I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll
finish these talks in two weeks in Washington!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As
the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and
prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and
George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers.

A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but
again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button
is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls
on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

Overdue

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but
we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same
day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their
maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech
had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said
among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music.
Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man
and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final
request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

errrr....think it's time for a joke...


Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless
before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a
glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect
on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first
one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver
and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs
and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to
the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

errrr....think it's time for a joke...


Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless
before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a
glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect
on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first
one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver
and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs
and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to
the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Double post?? How'd that happen??

If a hillbilly woman divorces her husband,.... is he still her brother?

Let's lighten up things here a bit

Hitchin a Ride...

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff.
He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two
Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.

He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this... but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in the world.
For their entire lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured
over every box score during the season. They went to 80 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the RedSox victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're the starting pitcher tomorrow night!"

You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

I'm calling it a night...say goodnight Gracie

Phooey must be pulling these from his :censored:

/me laughs

Yep...Pulling them out of my hat! ...why is "HAT" censored?

IRS Joke...

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.