This time I'll do it

monologue of a drunk

from JoeUser Forums
Today was good day. I went to see my mother after my AA meeting. She had just had a hip replacement and she was walking already. Wow.! I still haven't had a drink and I am feeling as though the obsession has left me. My last drink was Jan. 24/05 I knew that if I kept on drinking the way I was I would probably die or lose my business or who knows what. I guess that there must have been devine intervention as there was no way I was able to stop on my own.This is my third try at quitting. The first time I stoped for 5 years and life was pretty good. unfortunatley my wife at the time did'n't think so. She always told me that I had a problem and should sober up. When I finally did it and started to grow stronger physically mentally and spiritually she couldn't control me any more with guilt. She resented my getting well and it ended in divorce. I lived on my own for maybe a year and remained sober only to find myself drunk again shortly after that .I had been sober for so long that my mind began to tell me that I could have a drink safely again. What a diaster. Before I knew it I was drinking everytime I got the chance. Resentment had gotten the best of me, and taken me out again. I was full of resentment towards my ex- wife. Resentful of other people who seemed to be doing well. Resentful of basically everything. I went on like this for another perhaps 6 years. then decied I had had enough . I did sop with the help of AA for about a year and then bingo I again thought I could handle it again. This is the only disese that your mind will tell you you don't have and I basicallly started drinking again for about another year. This time however my drinkig grew worse and worse. I contemplated suicide but knew I could never do it. So back again to AA.This time I mean buiness. I have to get very honest with myself, stick with the program, and not drink. So far so good. Today is a good day to be sober.Link
1,087 views 2 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have grown up around drunks. My step-father was a drunk, who hurt my mother and my sister. My brother in law hurt my sister and his daughter. In the end my step father died from a direct result of his addiction, he developed hardening of the arteries and had to have both his legs amputated. He called me on his death bed and told me he had seen the Christ. He died soon afterward.
My brother in law was not so fortunate, he aged so fast and used to drink terribly hard, neat bottles of vodka and wine, till eventually he would collapse drunk. He was trying to find a solution in Indian Mysticism, but died alone in his flat, and was only found some days later. I am a drug-addict. In 1976, the cork on my bottle was stopped and for about 7 or 8 years I was clean as a whistle. In 1983, thereabouts I popped the cork and started the whole process over again. I said I was just a social taker. The addiction intensified and by 1990, I was admitted to mental hospital in a state of toxic delirium. I was hallucinating, and was delusional. Around me lay the carnage of pain that I had caused my wife and kids. I was so self absorbed in my addictions that I never realized the agony I was causing. My nervous system had broken down, and I could not move my fingers. Being a guitarist that was agony. Being a christian it was the pits. I was a broken man. Worse there were family members that were broken because of me. I was the one who had hurt them. But, I could not stop. The high was the deal ! Thank God, He does not give up on us in our darkest moments. I had hit rock bottom and the doctors were ready to certify me schedule 9. My particular line of usefulness had warn out, I was going to lose my wife and children. I was in a state of despair. God I believe had let me reach the bottom of the barrel to show me these things. I was recovering mentally and eventually was committed to the exit ward. A dream of the most awful sort, was to stop me absolutely. I dreamed I was in Hell. I could smell this terrible smell, I had smelled it before. I saw a hole in the darkness and as I drew nearer the smell grew stronger, eventually I was over the hole and the smell came right into my nostrils and into my soul...it was the smell of burning flesh. I woke quaking, I could hardly stand from the terror of the dream, I dresed and left the asylum never to return. That was 16 years ago. If you are considering taking your addiction seriously and looking at the pain you have caused others, and I am sure you have. Get real about what your life is and claim back from the devil the beautiful family he took from you while you were indulging your lusts. There has to be a better way, a sweeter life, a life that is filled with love and warmth. Go for it, I endorse you decision. If you wanna chat, write to me at [email protected]
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks so much for your story. I am taking it seriously. I get to a meeting everyday( it really does help). I am reading my Big Book and praying to God as I understand him. Did you stop on your own or did you get help. Today is a indeed a great day to be sober.
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