Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity
2. You too can do housework
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life; learn to cook
10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling: Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You: The weaker sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake in public
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too
29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")
32. Changing your underwear: It really works
33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary
35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother..
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages..
(I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way..
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now..
I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend ..
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..

5. I don't date men where I work..
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me..
(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career..
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate..
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women
(and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends..
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

How to spot if your woman has PMS (sorry for swearing! )


She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

She retains more water than Lake Superior.

She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."

She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.

You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"

She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

AGE... DRINK
17... Winecoolers
25... White wine
35... Red wine
48... Dom Perignon
66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17... Need to wash my hair
25... Need to wash and condition my hair
35... Need to color my hair
48... Need to have Francois color my hair
66... Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping

FAVORITE DRUG
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17... "Burger King"
25... "Free meal"
35... "A diamond"
48... "A bigger diamond"
66... "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17... tall, dark and handsome
25... tall, dark and handsome with money
35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48... a man with hair
66... a man

HOUSE PET
17... Muffy the cat
25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17... 17
25... 25
35... 35
48... 48
66... 66

IDEAL DATE
17... He offers to pay
25... He pays
35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66... He can chew breakfast

And one more for you Kimbabe befor i go to bed!


Men's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK at age...
17... Beer
25... Beer
35... Scotch
48... Double scotch
66... Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE at age...
17... My parents are away for the weekend.
25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48... My wife is away for the weekend.
66... My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT at age...
17... Sex
25... Sex
35... Sex
48... Sex
66... Napping

FAVORITE DRUG at age...
17... Pot
25... Cocaine
35... Really good cocaine
48... Power
66... Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age...
17... Cop a feel
25... Breakfast
35... She didn't set back my therapy
48... I didn't bump into her kids.
66... An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY at age...
17... Thirdbase
25... Airplane sex
35... Menage a trois
48... Taking her company public
66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET at age...
17... Roaches (to be burned later)
25... Old college roommate
35... Irish setter
48... Children from her first marriage
66... Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age...
17... 25
25... 35
35... 48
48... 66
66... 17

IDEAL DATE at age...
17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25... Split the check before we go back to my place
35... Just come over
48... Just come over and cook
66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Geez Xaltec! She's gonna kill ya!

/me waves at Kimbabe!

Iraq's TV Guide

Sunday:
7:30 - My 33 Sons
8:00 - Saddam Knows Best
8:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - The Kabul Hillbillies

Monday:
7:00 - Husseinfeld
7:30 - Mad About Everything
8:00 - Monday Night Stoning Live!
8:30 - Win Bin Laden's Money
9:00 - Allah McBeal

Tuesday:
7:30 - Wheel of Terror
8:00 - The Price is Right if Saddam Says It's Right
8:30 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:00 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
9:30 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

Wednesday:
7:00 - Beat the Press
8:00 - When Kurds Attack
8:30 - Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread
9:00 - Just Shoot Everyone
9:30 - Veilwatch

Thursday:
7:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
7:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
8:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapless
Dresses and Veils
8:30 - Married with 139 Children
9:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

Friday
7:00 - Judge Saddam
7:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
8:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire
8:30 - Cave and Garden Television
9:00 - No Witness Left Alive News

Saturday:
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?


Where'd I put that remote this time?

Church Bulletin Bloopers


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

*** Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Subject: Donations

Father O'Malley answers the telephone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Do you know a Tim Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the
unemployment office. When asked his occupation,Ole answered, "Panty
Stitcher". "I sew the elastic onto lady's cotton panties."The clerk
looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she
gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter,"he replied. Since diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are
skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts
them on his head and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of
your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women
that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her
worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all
in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to
that little s**t on your knee .

mr werewolf!!


Uh...top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10: Awww...that's cute
9. Well, at least you're good at other things
8. Do you think it'll fit my old Barbie® clothes?
7. My li'l brother has one like that.
6. Are you cold?
5. ::giggles::
4. Maybe we should just be friends
3. Can you make it dance?
2. Umm...maybe you should get dressed
1. Oh...look...its hiding!

Older Women ARE better because...


An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to and older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Getting ready to run and hide from KimBabe

Q - Why do women have smaller feet than men??
A - So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

Q - The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door... which do you let in first?
A - The dog of course, at least he'll shut up once he's inside!

Ok Kimbabe.. you do know i just kining here don't you?

Womens Put down lines...

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Xaltec...I hope Kim is still speaking to us!

Somehow I think she is scheming against you even as we type!

Top Ten Signs The Guy You're Dating Isn't Really A Millionaire

10. Gets excited because for a limited time, the Whopper is only 99 cents

9. Keeps stopping the limo to pick up cans on the side of the road

8. Claims his annual salary is somewhere between "a ka-jillian" and "a ba-zillion" dollars

7. He thinks Fortune 500 is a NASCAR race

6. He makes $19,000 a year but says, "That's close to a million, right?"

5. The "country club" he belongs to has a windmill on the 18th hole

4. Most millionaires don't have two roommates

3. Thinks "Dom Perignon" is the fat guy who hangs around with Burt Reynolds

2. He tells you to order anything on the menu, then cringes when you supersize it

...and the # 1 sign The Guy You're Dating Isn't Really A Millionaire

1. Anna Nicole Smith doesn't return his calls

phOOey... I think you might be right May be time to hide for a while?!

*Runs off to work*

"There are many methods for predicting the future. For example,
you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls.
Collectively, these methods are known as 'nutty methods.'
Or you can put well researched facts into sophisticated computer
models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time."

-- Scott Adams,

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their
wives.
Henry started by saying, "I think my wife is fooling around on
me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under
our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!"

Tom answered, "Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.
The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes
under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!"

Otis then joins in and says, "Well, if you think that's bad,
I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy
under my bed.

I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!"

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions
in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities are still trying to have English
recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops &livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for
$4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan,
Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of
Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

More "You know you're a redneck when....."


1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
2) Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) You've ever been too drunk to fish.
8) You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Actual Warnings on Products


On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."

In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife:
"Keep out of children."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."

On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets:
"Warning: may cause drowsiness."

On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): "Open packet and eat contents."

On 500g packets of Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Contains nuts."

Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."

On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."

On a Rowenta iron:
"Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees."

A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects.
Not tested on animals."

On a Halloween Superman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

ISMS

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you one hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. (This one's my favorite!) There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

More Signs the Guy You're Dating Isn't Really a Millionaire

15> He picks you up in a backhoe.

14> Waiter: "Would you like the filet mignon, sir?"
Your date: "Uh, is that anything like the Filet-O-Fish?"

13> His tuxedo cummerbund is actually a rolled-up Home Depot apron.

12> Those two hotels he owns? They're on Park Place and Boardwalk.

11> His "butler" looks suspiciously like Kato Kaelin.

10> Claims he earned his vast wealth trading "lap-dance futures" on the "Nookie index."

9> Technically, he *is* a millionaire -- if you include calories consumed at an average McDonald's visit.

8> On the way to the Motel 6 he bummed a quarter for the truck-stop condom machine.

7> Instead of lighting cigars with $100 bills, he lights farts with food stamps.

6> First time you've ever seen anyone open a bottle of Moet with a pellet gun.

5> "No thanks. I prefer my fish eggs scrambled."

4> In the middle of "La Boheme," he holds up his lighter and shouts, "Freebird!"

3> His knowledge of things French is limited to fries, toast and ticklers.

2> He had to sell his Heisman trophy to buy you dinner.


and the Number 1 Sign the Guy You're Dating Isn't Really a Millionaire...


1> His pithiest comment at the art gallery: "Geez, these high ceilings would be a bitch to drywall."

ok, if if this is already on the board, sorry

A circus is traveling through Africa and is attacked by a tribe of cannibals. Afterwards the cannibals are sitting around the fire, two of which are feasting on a clown. One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"