lol

A guy walks into a bar, and he has a drink. He looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, and so on. And the bartender says, "What are you doing; what's in your pocket?" And the guy said, " It's a picture of my wife; when she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home.

A man walked into a bar, looking sad, and the bartender asked him, "What's the matter?" "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. And the month is up today."

This old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. And the bartender said to the wife "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?" "No, no, no, not really," the wife said, "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, orders 3 drinks and sits at a table with them. 

A bit later the ostrich goes up and orders 3 drinks, goes back to the table and joins the guy and the cat.

A little while later an argument starts at the table and the cat is protesting it is not his turn to buy the round, so the guy goes to get them rather than cause a scene.

After about 20 minutes the ostrich buys 3 more drinks and rejoins the other two back at the table.

However, an almighty argument breaks out when the cat yet again protests that it isn't his turn to buy, so the guy goes up again.

"Excuse me," inquires the bartender: "it's not often I get a guy come in with an ostrich and an argumentative cat, what's the story with that?"

"Well it's like this, you see, I was walking along the beach and I found a bottle with a genie in it.  I was given one wish.  Well I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy, and this is what I ended up with.

Two condoms walking down the street, they come upon a gay bar. One looks to the other and says, "Wanna go in and get shitfaced?"

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender that for free drinks, he can identify anything just by its odor. The bartender agrees so a blindfold is put on the guy and they hold a key under his nose; the guy correctly identifies it as such. Next is a lime wedge, then an ice cube and finally a cork, all of which the blindfolded man gets right.

Finally, out of desperation, the bartender sticks his finger under the skirt of the middle-aged waitress and puts it under the guy's nose.

"Tuna," he says.

The way I heard it was the bartender's wife and....  "Um, that'd be Sally, we had a bit of a fling a couple of days ago."

Okay, this one's a bit rude... orright, rather rude, but......

A guy walks into a biker bar and asks the prettiest looking woman there for a dance. The woman tells him to hang on a minute, she needs to speak with her other half.  The other half says: "Look woman, can't you see I'm busy playing pool.... go and dance already."

So the woman goes back and starts dancing with the guy, who whispers in her ear that she has beautiful breasts and could he touch them.  Outraged at the proposal the woman says: "Hang on a minute, I gotta go speak with my other half."

Upon telling her other half of the proposal, he responds with: "Look woman, can't you see I'm busy playing pool.... I've a lot of money riding on this game, go back and finish your dance, I'll come and sort him out later.

Again the woman goes back and continues dancing, and the guy, like he has some death wish or something, sticks his tongue in her ear and whispers that she has made him horny.  "Hang on a minute, she retorts: "I gotta go speak with my other half."

The biker is getting quite impatient with his woman as he receives her complaint: "Look woman, I have a few more balls to pot, go back and finish your dance, I'll sort this guy out when I'm done here."

Again the woman goes back to dancing with the guy and again he whispers something offensive in here ear: "Now just you hang on a minute, she shrieks: "I'm going to see my other half about this."

Upon reaching her other half she implores him to go over and punch the guy's lights out: "Why, what's he done this time?"

"This time he said that he wants to stand me on my head, fill my ahem... er, lady parts full of beer and drink it... and I want you to go punch his lights out for being so disrespectful."

"To hell I will!!" exclaims the biker.

"Why not?" demands the woman.

"No way I'm fighting anybody who can drink that much."

Guy walks into a country bar... where farmers sometimes take their dogs... and well you know how dogs do things. 

Anyhow, the guy steps onto a dog turd, slips and crashes into the bar headlong with an almighy thud...

... right beside another guy who also looked a bit worse for wear.  

The the bit worse for wear guy looks at the guy picking himself up off the floor and says: "Hey, I just done that."

That's when the fight started.

A guy walks into a bar and boastingly flops out this enormous penis to his mate, who's totally flabbergasted and says: "Holy Dooley, mate, where'd ya get that?"

The guy proceeds to tell him about the time in Africa when he pulled a witch doctor from neck-deep mud... and how the witch doctor showed his gratitude by granting him one wish. "Well as you know from our locker room days," he says: "I was never very well endowed, so I asked if I could have the genitals of this passing elephant.... and wizz, bang pop, I have the monster before you."

"Ah, so if I was to go over to Africa and save a witch doctor, do you reckon I'd get one like that?"

"Yeah, mate, you've got nothing to lose, have ya?  Thing is, it doesn't happen immediately.  The witch doctor stipulates that your wish is only fulfilled when you step foot back on your home soil."

"OH, that's alright.... oooh, I can't wait."

Anyhow, the guy heads of for Africa and is there for about 6 months before his chance to rescue a witch doctor arises... and as promised by his mate back home, he gets his wish, which of course is to have the genitals of this passing elephant. 

Once his wish is granted he phones his mate back home and asks for him to be there at the airport when his plane lands: "Like mate, you just gotta be there."

Okay, so the plane has landed and the first guy is waiting for his mate to disembark.  Several people are ahead of him, but there he is, at the top of the stair prancing around in anticipation. Step, by step he slowly descends the stairway until he reaches the bottom, at which time he steps onto the tarmac and falls in half.

Two bikers in a bar are discussing having to get out of town for a while 'til the heat cools down.  The sheriff has warned them it's jail if they're caught playing up once more.  So yeah, it's best they head for the hills a while and give the cranky sheriff some time to cool off .

The thing was, there were no women where they were going, and that was going to make it hard laying low for any great period, so the barman advised them to head down to the hardware store, where Jake would make them a board with a hole in it with a bit of fur around it.

Well it was better than nothing, so they loaded up their hogs with as many supplies as they could carry and headed for the hills.

They had been gone for about six months when a lone biker walks back into the bar and orders a drink.

"So how are ya doing," asks the barman: "long time no see."

"Oh, I'm alright,: replied the biker: "and how good it is to be back."

"So where's yer friend?" asks the barman.

"Oh, he won't be coming back." responds the biker.

"Why in tarnation not?" asks the barman.

"I caught the cotton pickin' varmint sleeping with my board."