This game is the equivalent of a B grade movie that made it big.  Somethings that aren't perfect you just have to get used to, or move onto the next game.  I will say this though, Impulse is your friend after you figure it out.  It is more then just a tool to download patches.  You can use it to uninstall, reinstall, archive, buy the expansion packs which you won't see in stores and of course update games with the latest patch.  I would speculate that the biggest problem people have with getting Impulse up and running is failure to read directions.

ok and also i can add players for ico but y cant i play with just random people

Ok i know im new at this but when i hit multiplayer and click join it says disconneted from server. i can t join any games im playing from a laptop so its wireless 

ok i get on ico and it says add player remove player thats it i dont have the entrenchment so is that why its not working?

Ya choose a name for yourself.

ok now its saying my mesh is differnt or i dont have the right mod

If someone is hosting a game with a mod or a custom map, you can't join unless you also have the map or mod.  For mods it isn't enough to merely have the mod but you also have to have it enabled.  You also want to make sure that you don't have any mods enabled because if you do you won't be able to join any non-mod games (about 95% of them and almost 100% of the non-friends-only games).