Anyone wanna battle?

from JoeUser Forums
Went to an MC battle last Friday with my lil' bro and it inspired this freewrite...I encourage anyone who wants to echo off of it and keep this battle going.


Listen skinny,
I can smell the winnie...

the pooh, you stepped in,
was the water too cold when you lept in?

is that why your balls so tiny,
is that why every single one of your rhymes so damn whiny,
check your hiny,

that's right, watch yo' ass and yo' mouth,
if Minnesota too cold get the greyhound ticket south,

pack them bags and wrap up all your bullshit,
and I'll be the flame to light that joint between your lips,
and I ain't trying to get between yo' girls hips,
so look my girl in the eye and stop talkin' to her tits,
throw me a lifeperserver cause I'm drownin' in yo' spit,
every single one of my rhymes a direct hit,
the latest of your fate is...

due any second,
I don't eat beef so just let it...be

go ahead and talk 'bout all the gold, guns, and girls that you have,
and I'll throw that gloatin' ass in front of a bus on Hennepin Av....

a-new,
and while I'm sweet like tira-miss-oo,
put my name on the top of the list of MC's you wish you never knew,
now sit down bucky, that's it, I'm done, we're through.
art
2,142 views 59 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
oops, put it up twice. anyway, here's a battle rhyme...
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Let the rain fall like a vein calls an 8 ball
Injected in the great hall, I walk through saint paul/
Take a bus to Minneapolis, slay the capitalist
Battle? Sure I'll wrap a fist around a rabid fan of bitch/
Stackin' chips and downin' Kris...so fuckin' what
Insecure inside a practiced strut, the movie's over, cut/
Yer mental plane is cellophane, soul is sold
For the lowest market price of gold, yer mic is gettin' cold/
Colder than the crotch of a nun, shiny watch & a gun?
You should be watchin' the sun, yer all Versace & rum/
Try to dodge me like the draft... it's impossible to craft
Paragraph's with one half of this wrath/
I'll draw you a bubble blood bath, in a scud's path
Door are locked, exits are blocked, nowhere to run fast/
The only thing runnin' is shit down the thigh
You sit down & try, try again to reply...
Galactic Civilizations III
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Colder than the crotch of a nun,
Funny as shit!

reply?
but there is no try, there is only do,
in due time, I'll reach my true prime, commit a new crime that'll leave you black and blue,
with every hit upon the snares y'all get kicked down stairs and I'm sellin' crutches to your crew,
I flew...straight out the window,
I knew...your girl a bimbo,
and I can limbo...down low and dirty,
and everyone in my path that gets in the way of my wrath I leave bleeding and hurting,
quit flirting...with me on these pages,
cause ain't a bigger trigger finger this world has seen in ages,
I cock back the hammer, you exit with shame and laughter,
and everyone who comes next or after...asks the same question,
if you're such a teacher, why did I catch you in the pants of a preacher swearing that you'll teach him lesson?
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

hehe funky.


encore ! encore !


mig XXX

Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
The lessons I teach can't be learned in a classroom
I can't talk to your face cuz all I'm seeing is asshole
I can't give up the race when I'm still winning on class, y'all
Just pretending to be what I've always been, since the past
I always knew I could do
The things I set my mind to
I can annihalate you
And if I say it it's true
But if you say it it's false
And when you show no remorse
It's almost like I am forced
To show you my obstacle course
So you say I sold my soul for the lowest price of gold
Your information must be old bitch let me show you what I sold
I sold a lyrical impression, an empirical digression
A full dose of my reality that kills all MC sessions
So go ahead and draw your bath, cuz I know you need to soak
I'll let you wrinkle like a raisin I'll sit back and have a toke
And anyone who wants to say a life of crime defined their prime
Well I defy you to go toe to toe cuz I'm still living mine
So go ahead and cock your hammer, what you building up a house?
Challenging me was pure insanity, I'm a lion, you're a mouse
So don't forget, long live the king
This is my jungle and my world
And when I feel like populating it I'll just knock up your girl
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
No need to populate, enough of us already,
besides since the 4th grade me and your moms been goin' steady,
no I'm sorry if you can't bear the weight cause it's just a bit to heavy,
so when you come up short all the girls want to snuggle with SuspeckTeddy,

and when I know they're safely tucked in,
I pedal slowly through the jungle searchin' for this lion's den,

who's alone in his cave starrin' at the same old reflection,
since all the lionesses vacated the premisis after he couldn't sustain an erection...

long enought to put a roar into the night,
girls turnin' down rides in his Bentley to get on the handle bars of suspeckted's bike,
and he rides right...

down the middle of the streets with a smile mile by mile,
hell I even get followed down every grocery store aisle,
but I'm trying to get all crazy and wild,
so I'll stay outta yo' jungle if you promise to remain tame and mild,
like a little child...

and tie together the laces of your shoes,
and in the conservatory I'm grabbin' the candlestick like the game of clue,

so listen up inspector, can you follow the trail you bled,
there's a path of size 12 footprints that lead all the way to suspeckted.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top

this is some great stuff you guys


and alphonse, we have some work to do. could i possibly be any more disorganised ?. macky is supposed to be working on his part of something i asked him to do so we can onsend it to you, but he is a very naughty boy and has not done it yet !.


(macky, if you're reading this, get moving, sunshine ! )


mig XXX

Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
"besides since the 4th grade me and your moms been goin' steady'

BaHAAAAA!!! Good stuff!!!
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
So you were with my mom huh? That's alright
I had your mama and your auntie and your cousins last night
And that was just for the first course, I was just getting warm
Cuz then I fucked your future relatives before they was born

So all the girls wanna hug on you, huh Suspeckteddy?
They sound like nurses, come to clean after you wet Suspeckbeddy
They sound like bitches I ignore after I get Suspeckheady
They sound worried cuz I'm 'bout to question Suspeck...you ready?
So when you came in my cave, yeah there was no one but me
And I was staring at myself cuz I'm the best thing I see
But then I saw you and roared
And you got scared and you ran
I chased you down and I ate you
I'm a beast
Your a lamb
So let me state it and reiterate it, say it again
You all can hate it and debate it but I'm still gonna win
I'll drive a stake through your heart, don't even gotta be sharp
In fact, make it a T-Bone so when you're finished, I'll start

A feast cuz the beast just took out another pretender
I took your carcass and returned it to its unholy sender
Don't even think of coming back, cuz everything the you see
Belongs to His Infinite Majesty, King Philomedy
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
i am in awe! I keep checking in to see the next level of genius.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
And that was just for the first course, I was just getting warmCuz then I fucked your future relatives before they was born
Very nice...


philomedy, better alert the noble men, the peasants and all the little rascals,
cause here's your eviction notice, you're gettin' kicked outta yo' castle,

all on account of using my name in vain,
and to think philomedy thought he had game,

but I hit that shot at the buzzer,
and I'll serve you up like custard,
you retard,
don't discard...your day job or a list of emergency numbers,
and your mom still wishin' your daddy had used a rubber,
so get back in your cave but expect no sleep or slumber,
unless you like a lullaby of me gettin' down with your sisters and your grandmothers,

fuck that, I wouldn't touch one of yours,
overgrown asscheeks covered in 30 year old KY and anal spores,
get to the store...and buy yourself a way out,
little philomedy, you can't even have a sip of my guinness stout,
to nurse your wounds after you're crying from losing this rhymin' bout,

my god...you gotta be 6 or 10 tops,
isn't it past your curfew...do i need to call the cops,
seal the enevelope and mail me my props,
cause I'm first class and I can't be stopped,

maybe you should sit down, cause you seem a bit stressed,
and I'd kick the shit outta you, but I'm sure there'd be nothing left.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
So all the girls wanna hug on you, huh Suspeckteddy?They sound like nurses, come to clean after you wet SuspeckbeddyThey sound like bitches I ignore after I get SuspeckheadyThey sound worried cuz I'm 'bout to question Suspeck...you ready?


and I'd kick the shit outta you, but I'm sure there'd be nothing left


Brilliant! This is intense.
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
I fucked both your families
Suspeckted's and philomedy's
But don't get jealous it's alright
both of your mommas were equally tight
You both little bitches why can't you see
the rhymes that you lay are elementary
Your both animals just stuck on the ground
I'm the raptor in the sky circling around
Preying on suspeckted, a measly little mouse
While philomedy, the lion hides inside his big ol' house
Cause your both scared of the words that this eagle can shout
And both of you scared of the power I lay out
I dare you, I dare you, just try and bring that shit
And I'll prove to the world, your both just a bitch
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
from a lady's point of view
in the jungle, you're all shrews
and when we leave, you're all screwed
cause you won't be
even grannies or lil sissies
but you can play kissie kissie
teddy, dirty, and philomedy
sitting in a palm tree
talkin bout their pee pees
having each other a look see
wishin for some honeys
to soothe their aching egos
cause my poison was to lethal
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
maybe you should sit down, cause you seem a bit stressed,and I'd kick the shit outta you, but I'm sure there'd be nothing left.


Very nice...lets begin:

Well Suspeck let me thank you for not feeling my ass cheeks
And let me help you with the guidance that I'm feeling your ass seeks
I'm not 6, I'm not 10
Unless we're talking 'bout inches
And its the latter not the former that your mom knows my dick is
So go ahead and bring the cops because I crave the attention
I crave it like you crave a prison showers anal retention

I guess the cat is away
The SameOldRat came to play
And proved that he cannot say
A relevant word today
When you go one on one with me no one can come here to save you
And you're a raptor? They're extinct
Man think
Just what does that make you?
And I don't hide in my house dude its just too nice to leave
Now let me brush you off, you're just a piece of dirt on my sleeve

And thank God there's a girl now
I was tired of these gays
Sorry I meant to say guys
I'm feeling Freudian today
But why you gotta be mean girl?
Coming talking 'bout trees
Talking 'bout palms like you ain't never felt a backhand from me
But I will gladly oblige
Just come and see me tonight
I'll look you straight in the eye
As ho's go I guess you're alright
But you don't meet my criteria
Go see my friend SameOldRat
Or Suspeck--he's proud his dick's as big as a monopoly hat
And when I hope for a honey I hope to God it's not you
And I'ma change the kingdom'a laws cuz it's the right thing to do
I'm gonna arrest all the Suspecks, the Rats and the Lizards
And bring them here and make them bow before the lyrical wizard
So count the days and the hours, I will have all your heads
And I will mount them on the wall that sits right over my bed
So when your moms get on their knees and wait for me to come feed 'em
They can look up and see their children's faces ready to greet 'em
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
you can't arrest the suspeckt,
unless you're strapped from toe to neck,
let's reflect,
on the outcome of this situation,
how can you type when you're fingers are drownin' in perspiration,
while you read my words you only got one hand to type cause the other is masturbatin',
that's just how good it feels when my bus pulls into your girls station,
she's takin' trip after trip, and there is no give and take and,
10 inches? Get out your conversion chart,
because there's no way those 10 milimeters in your pants are going to melt a virgins heart,
play the part, I got the perfect role for you,
instead of little boy, you can be the little whore blue,
or little bo beep,
cause when I sound the battle gong all you MCs follow like sheep,
I stole all the paddles and sent y'all right up shit creek,
and the closure you seek,
from leaving you tired and weak,
the feeling so wet when your diaper began to leak,
the mountain top I look down from is steep,
so you'll never make the climb,
it's rat, lizard and philo hunting season, get your license cause you know I got mine,
I'm harsh like straight tequilla...no salt and no lime,
it's my fault you feel those chills up yo' spine,
but sit up straight princess and I'll tell you a tale,
Suspeckted went up the hill with philomedy and came down with his head in a pail.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
You think I jack off to your words? Don't flatter yourself
I only talk to you cuz I feel I should be sharing my wealth
With somebody who obviously has nothing going for them
And since nobody else will I almost feel forced to show him
How to write and how to rhyme and how to walk and how to talk
And how to eat and how to sleep and how to breathe and how to fuck
Because you obviously don't know
Cuz all your bitches is some ho's
Who are so good at faking orgasms that you don't even know
If you're doing it right
Or if you're doing it like a dyke
And when they lay with me at night they tell me it just aint right
That someone like you takes the credit for the rhymes that they write
For u
And I say I can tell because they're bitches rhymes too
And I kicked them out of my bed
They crawled back to you and said
"That Philomedy man is awful, he's the worst lover I've ever had"
And you're so dumb you believed them
And let them back in your bed
And even kissed them on the lips after they'd given me head
But I'm sure you like the taste
You're probably used to it
Just like you like writing your little rhymes and getting abused for it
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top

i'm back. more great stuff. i'm glad to see this is getting quite a following


mig XXX

Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
I ain't ever been abused...
maybe I need to slow it down for you cause you seem a bit confused,
I've paid my dues, and I can happily report,
that I be ballin' on budget while you're snortin' away the child support,
and let me tell ya,
I oughta rat-a-tat shell ya,
and bury you in the filth of your words cause no one can stand to smell ya,
so sit the fuck down there's a lesson here little fella,
I'll feed you to the lions and feed you a snow cone that's yella,
and even if you think you can rock it accapella,
I got beats bumpin' out the trunk of my chavelle-a,
it's almost midnight so you best get movin' cinderella,

shit, you think you need to teach me how to freak like a hero,
go tell everyone I said it,
on a scale of one to ten every lady gave you a zero,
and that's still way to much credit.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
You ain't gon' feed me to no lions cuz there's no cannibals here
Just go and hide under your bed, you got Philomedy to fear
You better watch out, I'm a-comin', I'ma bite off your right ear
Go ask Evander how it felt, and how long it's gon' take to heal

Why you keep coming up to me and saying that you is a balla'
Balla'? You scream like a woman, all I hear from you is holla'
Holla' "Leave me alone and please don't hurt me, please have mercy" calla'
Calla' ID couldn't peg you for the pussy that you are
And you're confused
I'm not the white boy that hangs out up in the Starbucks
I'm the Latin kid who came right in and riled you up on Stardock's
Forum cuz you had an invite
Asked if people wanna battle
And when somebody responded you got scared and you got rattled
So get your rattle man, you just a toddler, you a baby
I'm a rattlesnake, I'll squeeze you and I'll eat you and then maybe
I will shed my skin on top of you so others know Philomedy
Just changed his look, just like a book, cover won't show what I'ma be
I am a snake, I am a lion, maybe I'll turn into a hawk
And I'll swoop down and grab the Suspeck while the people turn and gawk
But I don't need to be a condor, a hawk or a Desert Eagle
Shit I do to you on paper's bad enough to be illegal
And I don't need to be a bird, I'll end with Fuck You and with Screw It
Philomedy know how to fly
And he don't need Red Bull to do it
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
And he don't need Red Bull to do it
.....
were those words you posted on my blog, it looks like someone with a plugged nasal passage took my screen and blew it,
sick as that may be, I can still see straight through it,

though philo say he's a shapeshifter,
we all know he's a bullshitter,
a petty little thug...a victoria's secret shoplifter,
stealing a thong to match his dress that he puts on for his babysitter,
ain't no one fitter...

than suspeckt to be the king of this forum,
philo you can be my jester if you'd just pull your head outta your rectum,
gaze up and down the spectrum...

I'm good, better, best and everything inbetween,
asking why the suspeckt gotta be so mean?

come clean philo we all know the truth,
you're grocery store light beer and suspeckted like yukon jack...he's 100 proof!
while you hump, hump, hump that crusty old girl of yours with only one tooth,
can't you hear that thump, thump, thump on your roof?

that ain't santa clause,
ho ho ho, it's the suspeckt comin' to break yo, yo, yo jaws,
I'm comin' to scratch that smile off your face with these claws,
tell your hampster and the garbage man I'm sorry I had to break up your menege a trois,

What's that philo, is it to hard to talk, are you feeling violated and used,
I walk the walk, while you're running away choking on a mouthful of rodent pubes.
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
The only thing that blows anywhere near your screen is you
And you should really stop attempting to prove you know what you do
because the only thing you've proven is that you don't have a clue
About the mofo on the other side of cyberspace
It's true
I change shapes more times that Anna Nicole Smith would try to do
And incidentally that's the kind of girl that you would try to screw
But she'd reject you and you'd be left all alone and wondering who
Could ever love a little mother fucking faggot looking shrew
Like you
And you should be on guard because I'm coming as a shark next
Or I just might be the bow tie working at the valet park next
To the restaurant you eat at every weekend by yourself
And I'ma leave your ass a present
Psst...a hazard to your health
I'm gonna rig a little C4 and maybe a detonator
It'll blow you like a hooker, I call it the Terminator
So now you can call me Arnold, or just Mr. Schwarzenegger
It will be the End of Days, kids go on over to the neighbors
Cuz it ain't gonna be pretty what Philomedy will do
To any person he suspects of being in Suspeckted's crew
But maybe I just jumped the gun maybe there's nobody with you
Maybe you're coming at me solo
Homie Wossamotta U?
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm back to clear the room
Like yer mama should've cleared her womb
Of a fetus that was clearly doomed/
Time travel with a coat hanger
To end the battle before it begins
aww, How cute, flushed twins/
That's you Suspeck and Philo
I'm fed up with your flirty little pillow talk
Stupid, this is 40,000 kilowatts/
& You lizard
Have the nerve to speak my name?
Keep it out your mouth, the weak are slain
None of you are worth/
One fourth of a shitstain
Left by a Great Dane
On the carpet
Trippin' on air, halfway retarded/
I'm takin your heads home as trophies
Just to put in the attic
To collect dirt
Ignored like a torn sweatshirt/
Reddirt makes your head hurt
Pulls up your skirt
& Reveals you
There's no one y'all appeal to/
Ranting 'bout guns you don't got
No one's gettin' shot
But here's a shot-
Lethal inject the whole spot
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh God
reddirty
Woke up from the dead
He finally thought of a few comebacks for the first thing I said
That was four days ago though
I wonder where he been at
While he been gone I'm dealing with Suspecks, Lizards and Rats
I guess that 8 ball in your vein did put you out of commission
A red and dirty cancer should be put in remission
Red from all the blood cuz of the beating I'm givin'
And dirty cuz abandoned septic tanks is where he likes livin'
That's why he can talk so boldly, because no one goes near him
The smell he carries would cause anybody to fear him
But Philomedy's unbeatable Philomedy's not scared
Philomedy wears nose plugs while he drags you outta there
And once out on the surface then Philomedy will shower you
Or he'll let some inmates do it so the prisoners can scour you
And that's an euphemism and youre stupid
Let me explain
That's when I use a different word for the real phrase I wanna claim
By now the inmates would be done with you and you'd be pretty swollen
And so we'd decapitate you and go reddirty head bowlin'
And with my fingers in your eyes and mouth you wouldn't have a clue
But wait
How is that different from what you currently do?
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top
so now we're going bowling, best believe I'll roll a 300,
your sober rhymes couldn't get a spare or even compare to mine when I'm getting drunk and blunted,
your growth looks stunted...when I beat you all into a pulp,
so don't spit up that blood you can taste, swallow it and gulp,
scope, the rhymes I got on the horizon,
pissin' all over philo and red to baptize-'em,
for the good of the world someone should sterilze-'em,
I'm signifyin'...the importance of my views,
step into my kitchen, I'm makin' philo, lizard, red, and rat stew,
I'm so hot, but I'm givin' you colds with my sick rhymes...ah-choo,
1/4 of a shitstain? I'm the entire shit you're eatin' for breakfast,
wearin' your dad's pearl necklace,
the storm is brewing, come outside to see me wreck this,
you're not even a drizzle and I'm a hurricane,
check your weather vane,
board up the windows,
and close all the shutters,
I strike quick and nimble, fitting all your talent into a thimble,
and spread the ho's like butter,
you stupid mother...fucker,
I'm a run you over with a Mack-trucker,
and with your skull emptyin' your tiny mind over the pavement,
you're farther in my debt everyday, and I won't accept your lame ass rhymes as payment.