Why So Serious?

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.

Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, "The word is celebrate."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

I posted this over at Skinning.net a week or so ago..........I'll give ya'll a chance....WARNING do not eat or drink while reading........

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA ba tteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pre tty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

I have an American Legion dog. He stops at every pole.

A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and reported to the other dogs, They're putting in pay toilets!

I stole those jokes.

Damn LanTec, I laughed even harder this time.  Don't know how that was possible.  My jaws and sides hurt.

Lantec, you're crazy! Hilarious!

You stole good ones, though!

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

That made me puke Messiah! Nice one

*Pixeleo dies from laughter*

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.  

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory  following a heart attack. 

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send email's to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Xiandi -

Because nothing beats the original Lol emoticon.

Good one, Xiandi!

Germany, 1942:

A couple of German soldiers were in a foxhole. One German soldier gets a brilliant idea about how to slowly but surely pick off the Polish enemies. From his foxhole, he yells, "Hey, Stash!"

A Polish soldier stands up and yells back, "Yeah?"

BLAM! The German blows him away.

A few minutes later, the German yells again, "Hey, Stash!"

Another Polish soldier stands up and yells back, "Whaddaya want?"

BLAM! The German blows him away, too.

An observant Polack decides to beat the German at his own game. From his foxhole, the Polack yells, "Hey, Fritz!"

Fritz yells back, "Is that you, Stash?"

Stash stands up and yells, "Why, yes it is..."

BLAM!

Read it somewehre:

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Lantec, great humor, my wife and I enjoyed it immensely.

All these jokes are Great! I'll have to jump in when I can think of a good one.

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, read these...you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'

--Mariah Carey

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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark   

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

--Al Gore, Vice President

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'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'

-- Dan Quayle

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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'

--Lee Iacocca

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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'   

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'

--Keppel Enderbery

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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 @WebGizmos

WG:

Really?  You learn something new every day... I thought they ALL did, but who am I to argue with an authority on the subject.

Dear Sir/Madam,

                        Please forward the application form to reinstate my food stamps to Plot 144 A sub-section B of the Greenville Cemetary... oh, and please send an application form for heating allowance, it gets mighty cold here of a night time and I get chilled to the bone.

"Besides, Social Services would cut off my food stamps... and I hate it when I'm hungry.

Ah, Huntington, Indiana's own Dan Quayle.  Theres a nice little museum to him just down from my house.  I've never been...

Well obviously he wasn't that odd looking basketball player Dr Victor Frankentein hurriedly made in the hope of winning the comp.