Sometimes you have to close the door.

from JoeUser Forums

Sometimes in life, you have to do things to preserve your sanity.  Sometimes, you have to shut the door and walk away in order to not die inside.

I had a door to shut back in the 90's.  I had to do something I wasn't proud of, something that I still carry some guilt about. 

I had to walk away from this fight to maintain my self.  To not die.  I had to drag my broken heart and almost shattered mind away, because if i didn't....well, I don't think I'd be talking to you now.  I'd either be in jail, a locked mental ward, or dead.

I was married before, as some of you know.  I married young, and I married for some very shallow reasons.  He looked good, and he was a good lay.  He thought the same about me.  I thought I loved him.  He thought the same about me. 

It wasn't until after the fact that I knew it wasn't love.

We got married, and we had babies.  A girl, followed 18 months later by a boy (I WAS a good lay, afterall). 

Things went wrong.  He lied, he cheated, and he did some things to me physically that I'm not going to relate here.  I'm not even going to go into them at all, not even in my own head.  I can't.  I simply can't.

He filed for divorce, and cut off all support to me.  I had only been in the US for a very short time and my permanent visa was still in the works.  He terminated it, and threatened to have me deported.  I had nothing by then - the divorce was almost final, and I was in the country illegally so finding the kind of job that would let me support 2 kids was impossible.  His sister volunteerd to have the kids so I could work.  She'd always been on my side, so I, like a fool, trusted her and left the kids at her house, supposedly until the weekend when I'd go and get them.

She took my kids, and she gave them to him.  I never saw them again.

I was at a loss.  I could either stay and fight and get deported, or I could leave and still be eligible to come back to the US and try and get them back.

I left.  Again, like a fool, I left.

I went to my parent's house, broken in mind and spirit, and after a few weeks of futiley calling and trying to find a way to get them back, after a wasted 4 months in the US trying to get to them.....I closed the door.

I went to my mom's, almost broken to the point of insanity, and I closed the door.  I grieved.  I HAD to close the door in order to stay whole.

I met Dave, and we started a family of our own.  It wasn't until I met him that I had an idea of what true love is.  It wasn't until I experienced him that I knew what i had felt before was nothing but infatuation verging on insanity.

I thought about my babies all the time, I cried for them on their birthdays and on holidays.  I cried for them, and Dave held me. 

In the past year, I've heard from my daughter.  She's 16 now, and she looks a lot like me.  She and her adoptive mother moved away from the insanity personnified that is her father, and they too saw what I now see.  They found me, and she called me.  She understands that the horror stories her father told her about me were untrue.  She wants to know me.  And, I want to know her. 

Her brother lives with his father, who has yet another wife and yet another child.  He knows that the stories about me aren't true, but he prefers to live with his dad.  Boys need their fathers, I guess, especially 15 year old boys.

I know that there are some people who will say that I didn't fight hard enough, that I should have done things differently.  To them I say: I beat myself up for years with those thoughts.  I almost drove myself crazy with those thoughts.  I did what I could to the best of my abilities until I couldn't give any more.

I did what I could, and I did the best I could.  I had to close the door and walk away.  It was self preservation.  It would have been easy to lay down and die, and at one point I really did want to. 

Sometimes we have to do things that we don't like, that are painful to us.  Sometimes our self-preservation instinct takes over and we have to walk away from thing to remain sane.  Sometimes the spark of humanity in our core is the only thing that keeps us going. 

I had to close the door, and I had to walk away. 

misc
10,635 views 24 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have a friend who has two children from a previous marriage that live with their dad. She's from El Paso, and they still live in Texas while she's stuck here.

She's not really involved with them. She doesn't talk about them much or send them gifts or visit them. It's as if her "new" family is all that exists in her world.

I could never understand it. I could never be apart from my babies, and I have a hard time wrapping my head around her situation.

I think you've helped me to understand it some, here with this article. I'm sure it's not easy for her, and I know some of the reasons why she's no longer with her ex-husband. You didn't really have a choice as to whether you would remain with your children, and I'm not sure if she has the choice or not. It's not my place to judge her. We all do what we feel is right and necessary.

It seems like, for many of us, we have to compartmentalize our lives. We put the hurtful things away in a separate box, and we don't dare open them.

I'm glad you've made it through, dharma.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
((((D))))

I am so sorry Dharma. I had no idea. What a horrible loss.

You are right some doors need to be shut. The great news is they don't always have to stay shut. It sounds like your daughter is learning to open the door you had to close. (sounds like her mom to me!)

I don't know how you did it. How you had the strength to do it.

You're a very strong woman.

And I believe your first two kids will come to know you one day and love you again.

Blessings.
Galactic Civilizations III
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

I think you've helped me to understand it some, here with this article. I'm sure it's not easy for her, and I know some of the reasons why she's no longer with her ex-husband

If I did, then I'm glad.  I can totally understand why your friend acts as if her new family is the only thing in the world - it's for the same reasons that I'm so protective and defensive of mine.  We cherish those that are here with us, and we somehow tell ourselves that we're cherishing those who are not with us too.  It hurt so bad, Tex.  It still does.  I'm almost weepy writing this. 

I had to not think about them sometimes in order to make it.  I hope that you can understand that.

It seems like, for many of us, we have to compartmentalize our lives. We put the hurtful things away in a separate box, and we don't dare open them.

I'm glad you've made it through, dharma

I do it all the time for one reason or another.  I did it with them being separated from me, I did it with my grandfather dying, and I did it with the accident for over a year.  It wasn't until late last year when Dave was at the academy that I let that one out.....I cried on the phone all evening and all poor Dave could do was tell me it was okay, it was okay because he was there for me and loved me.

  

I don't know how you did it

Neither do I.  I partied a LOT, drank a LOT, and engaged in some very risky behaviour of all shapes and sizes and colors and flavors.  I was in self-destruct mode, and if I hadn't met Dave and been friends with him for almost a year before we got romantically involved.....well, I think I'd be dead.  So, he unknowingly saved my life.  I was really in a bad way when we met, Tova.  He straightened me out bit by bit, even though we weren't dating.  And when we did start to date....well, he was even better.

And I believe your first two kids will come to know you one day and love you again.

It was that thought that kept me going some days.  That one day they'd be grown and they'd come looking for me and that I HAD to be there for that because I wasn't going to let them down again.

She looks a lot like me.  And sounds a lot like me. 

That makes me happy.

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow. I can't imagine.

I think this is kinda ironic. You have spent months this year trying to find YOUR mother, only to not have that end the way you would have hoped. Now your daughter has found you and and you're able to reconnect. I think that is just fabulous. FABULOUS. I pray that your relationship will be one that brings much joy to your life, and that one day, your son will seek you out as well. It's definitely hard for 15-year-old boys to break away from their dads anyway. One day. Wow.

All my best to you, K. You did the best you could... the only thing you could. No judgment here at all. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Don't take this the wrong way, but I love you.

Thank you for writing this.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
dharma:
I can totally understand why your friend acts as if her new family is the only thing in the world - it's for the same reasons that I'm so protective and defensive of mine. We cherish those that are here with us, and we somehow tell ourselves that we're cherishing those who are not with us too.


I think I can understand that.

I can't imagine what it must feel like.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top

I think this is kinda ironic. You have spent months this year trying to find YOUR mother, only to not have that end the way you would have hoped. Now your daughter has found you and and you're able to reconnect

I think that's why her reaction angered me so much, left me feeling so hurt.  Because by then my daugher had been in touch, and I simply couldn't understand how anyone with  shred of humanity in them could NOT respond to their own child.  I still don't get it, but I'm glad that my birth mother failed to follow through.  Becuase now I don't have to deal with a mother who's a complete and utter bitch.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I love you.

Thank you for writing this.

I'm pretty sure I know how you meant it, and I'll take it with a thank you.  The feelings are reciprocal, and I wish you'd write more.  However, if your lack of appearance here is because you're spending time with your family, then I'm all about that.

Thank YOU for reading it and for saying what you said.

 

think I can understand that.

I can't imagine what it must feel like

I'm glad that you do, and it's a feeling that I wouldn't wish upon anyone else.  Ever.  It's the worst pain I've ever experienced.  I've never lost a child as in I had one die, but I can imagine what it feels like from this experience.  It's a soul shattering, mentally incapacitating pain.  It's just horrible.

Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hard story to read Dharma, very hard. Perhaps the worst part is knowing that you were right to walk away, and yet also knowing that doing so meant closing the door you mention. It's sad that we set things up that way in this country, and sadder still that there are people like your ex that do these things to their children and their former spouses.

Hopefully you'll be able to work things through with your babies. Even more hopefully, hopefully your first son will learn from the mistakes of his father and not repeat them.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow Karen, I never knew. The more I learn about you the stronger I think you must be. I ache for you and can't imagine what you've gone through year in and year out. Do your kids know about their half sister and brother?

I hope they get to know you and see what a wonderful, loving, giving person you are. They would learn a lot about themselves. ~hugs~
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top

Do your kids know about their half sister and brother?

Yes, they do.  I've told them ever since they were small. We don't talk about it often because it's painful for me, but we do talk about it.  Shea and her sister look a lot alike.

It's sad that we set things up that way in this country, and sadder still that there are people like your ex that do these things to their children and their former spouses

It IS sad. I'm sure I'm not the only person in this situation; there are other women who found themselves in the same situation as me and had their babies taken away from them.  Things have changed now, I think.  Reforms have been made and there are laws that protect women and children from this kind of manipulation.

And yes, it's incredibly sad that there are men who will do this kind of thing to their wives and ex wives.  Looking back, the whole marriage was a vortex of insanity, and I got sucked right in.  Some of the key players in his family had some mental health issues, so normal slowly became ....well, crazy.  Between him and them, I lost sight of what was real and what wasn't, and it took me ages to get over some of the things that happened.  Poor Dave took the brunt of some of that behaviour - I think I still had some residual insanity left in me during the first few months of our marriage. Because I had been cheated on (regularly; everywhere he went he screwed some chick) I had some abandonment issues.  Because there had been some alcohol abuse that led to violence, I had problems with Dave wanting to have a quiet drink or two. I had issues with a LOT of stuff, and he had to deal with it.  I owe him a lot, unknowingly he straightened me out and made me feel whole again. 

When I got up this morning and saw that this had been featured, I didn't immediately think 'oh, cool'!  like I usually do when I get a feature.  I sat in a kind of stunned silence, not knowing quite what to feel or think.  But you know what?  I'm glad that it got featured.  It's my secret story, and it needs to be told.  I need to air this, to let it out of it's compartment and hopefully let the guilt and shame associated with it go.

Having other people read it is going to help a lot. 

Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
I need to air this, to let it out of it's compartment and hopefully let the guilt and shame associated with it go.


You have no reason to feel guilt or shame as far as I'm concerned. I can see grief though and the need to mourn the loss of being able to be part of their lives. My heart aches for you!
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

You had to walk away.  It is very sad that it came to that, and it is the most difficult thing to do (some never learn how to do it).  I hope you get a relationship with them at some point.  I cannot fathom a parent that would do as your ex has done.  It is beyond my comprehension, altho I have seen it all too often.

Never having a relationship with my father (by his own decision, not my mothers), I do know that my sister tried to re-establish one after she grew up.  Kids do come home, and it seems that yours will one day come home as well.  Some dont.  I never tried.  Nor did my brother.

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
That is so horrible. How old were they when you lost them? I feel for you. I'm so sorry that you lost all of that time with them but I'm glad that you have been able to reconnect and that they know you are not an awful person.

I can understand why you felt powerless to fight it with the threat of deportation, you had to let go and take care of yourself. You did what you had to do which was to pull you heart out from under knife. Sometimes it hurts so bad that you just literally cannot take the hurt anymore.

I'm so glad that you found your husband when you did and he helped you through this.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sometimes compartmentalizing things is the only way to salvage ourselves. I'm glad though that you are "cleaning house" and finding that inner calm that you desire. I hope that opening up to your daughter will heal some of the past for you.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm not going to pretend to have any wise words of counsel. Sometimes we just do the things we do because that is all we can do at the time. I love ya girl...
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't have any wise words either. But knowing what I know about you and who you are through your blogs, I know you would never just abandon them, you did what you had to do because you had to. Sometimes you have to let go of the things you can't control. Your life has come full circle because your babies have found you again.

I hope everything will work out for you and your kids. Hugs!
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top

First of all, I want to thank all of you who responded and left a comment on this article.  You have all touched me in different ways, and each of you has reduced me to tears...but it's a good thing.  It needed to happen.

 

You have no reason to feel guilt or shame as far as I'm concerned. I can see grief though and the need to mourn the loss of being able to be part of their lives

The guilt was my own doing.  I beat myself up for years....I couldn't accept that I had done all I could do.  I think it was part of the grieving process.

I cannot fathom a parent that would do as your ex has done. It is beyond my comprehension, altho I have seen it all too often

He's done some things that even I can't comprehend doing.  He paints himself out to be whiter than white, and he's not.  He's a manipulative, deceptive liar, and someday the karmic wheel will turn and he will reap that which he has sown for many years.  

 

How old were they when you lost them?

They were 2 and 1.  They were babies, Amy, and he deprived them of me and me of them.  It STILL hurts.

I can understand why you felt powerless to fight it with the threat of deportation, you had to let go and take care of yourself. You did what you had to do which was to pull you heart out from under knife. Sometimes it hurts so bad that you just literally cannot take the hurt anymore.

That's EXACTLY what it was like.  It just hurt so bad that I couldn't handle anymore and stay sane and alive.  I had to just give up.  Give up the fight.  I couldn't take it any more.

Sometimes compartmentalizing things is the only way to salvage ourselves.

Exactly.  I'm good at that, too.  I tend to go into survivor mode at the time of the incident and put all the bad stuff in a little mental box to deal with later.

 

Sometimes we just do the things we do because that is all we can do at the time. I love ya girl...

I love you too, ya big goof.  Thank you.

But knowing what I know about you and who you are through your blogs, I know you would never just abandon them, you did what you had to do because you had to.

Thank you...you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you (and everyone else) say that.  It has reduced me to tears (again)

Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow, I cannot imagine. I don't WANT to imagine. A pain like that would break me. I know it may sound trite because I say it so often, but I keep coming back to this saying over and over again: 10,000 Joys and 10,000 Sorrows. Cling to that for hope. Your joy will come.

**hugs**
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
(((Dharma))).

I'm speechless--I can't imagine the pain you've suffered. I'm also hopeful that you and your daughter and son will be able to move forward together. Best of luck.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top

I know it may sound trite because I say it so often, but I keep coming back to this saying over and over again: 10,000 Joys and 10,000 Sorrows. Cling to that for hope. Your joy will come.

It's not trite, not at all.  I have joys now, and I know that I'll have more. Dave and the kids give me endless joy, and I am forever thankful for that.  I know too that sometime they will come looking for me, and when they do, I'll get my chance to experience joy with them and through them.

(((Dharma))).

I'm speechless--

It's ok.  The hug said it all.  Thank you.

Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
A side note Dharma. I will send you it.
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
((((Karen))))))))

It sounds like the door you had to close all those years ago has opened up (at least partially) again for you and your daughter.

Don't beat yourself up over this anymore. When Jesus was on the cross, even our Heavenly Father had to "close the door" on Him in order to allow the atonement to happen. Bad things happen, and we have to make terrible choices based on impossible options, but even the worst of situations can teach us lessons and bring us strength we never knew possible.
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
You're a very brave person to have risen from what you've gone thru and found a more meaningful relationship. You can't gather all those little broken pieces and make them as whole as what they were, but it'll work out for the best in the end.
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow...D that is an amazing story, one that would have been so hard to live and write about too..

You are an amazing person.

Hugs.
xo