Was this predestined...
...or did I just fuck up?
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Life... A strange thing indeed. Is the life you get yours? Did YOU make your life? In my case the answer is a resounding NO!!! My life has been driven by necessity. My life was planned out by circumstance. Allow me to elaborate...
Once upon a time I was conceived, I was born in a hospital, after that any resemblance of a normal life ceases to exist. My parents were far too busy using drugs, drinking and kicking the shit out of each other to realize they had responsibilities. What do they do? The right things of course, have two more. My earliest memories are unpleasant to say the least, and some things are better left where they are. But believe me when I tell you, growing up in a violent, abusive home does nothing for your life plans. The skills I took from my parent weren’t skills that would land me anywhere good, so I was left to my own doing. My first experiences with the outside world, came in the form of my neighborhood's various children, all of which, with the exception of a couple, ended in death or prison. So here I am, a child with near to useless parents, and I am growing up in a prison mentality atmosphere. Kinda sets the stage doesn’t it? This guy will do great things. Note: that was sarcasm. Oddly enough, I came out almost the exact opposite of what I grew up in. I treat people with respect, I am non-violent, I have never been to prison, and I do not hit my wife. Unfortunately, those are not enough to make a successful life.
And now the downside, As if that wasn't bad enough. I did manage to take some things from my past life, all of which I must lose to get anywhere. I have a strong distrust for humanity. My early encounters with people left me extremely leery. I have had the misfortune of attracting the worst types of people. Here are some examples...
I was once befriended by a girl I liked because her boyfriend, of whom I was unaware, just didn't like me. I grew up with the nickname "prettyboy". I can't help it if I am beautiful. This was a "hotbutton" amongst my peers. Girls liked me so guys hated me. Anyway, unaware that I am being set up I walked right into an ambush. So much for trusting woman, and men. And I can't even begin to list the times someone in authority screwed me over. So much for trusting authority. I have been run over with a car for talking with someone's girl, I have had guys act like my friend, only to get me out of my house so their friends could rob the place. I once had a guy I gave a home to steal all my stuff while I was at work, and then this asshole has the nerve to leave me a note telling me how sorry he was. I really could go on and on and on. I also paid 30 thousand dollars to go to school to learn, only to end up teaching. I still have to pay back the cash even though the school didn't live up to its end of the deal. I was once demoted and eventually quit a job because a man that couldn't control his temper had to be taken away from the party they offended. Instead of firing this 56 year old loser, they gave him my job and me his. The reason I even mention any of this is to bring this to my point. And that is, all of these life experiences have left me without one certain thing. I have no desire. I do not socialize, can you blame me. Just about every time I leave my house someone wants to confront me for something. This is no joke either. My wife thought I was bullshitting her when I told her that, it wasn't until we were on our first vacation together, when some shithead wants to fight me because I looked at him. This is actually 100% true. I do not have any friends. One needs to be social to have friends. I became a PC junkie because it's so impersonal. I don't go out, I don't like large crowds, and I have a very low tolerance for people wishing to act out. All of these things are reactionary. I used to be allot different. Starting quarterback on the state championship football team, at every party, tested with an above average IQ. At one time I wanted to be a lawyer. Probably because I grew up in an argument.
So where's this leave me...
Now I am 37 years old. I have a wife that's probably sick of me. No children. My views on life will not allow me to breed. No friends. No ambition. This is a direct result of years and years of being handed the shitty end of the stick. I know I am not the only person in these circumstances. Too bad for me that self-awareness and intelligence can't fix what is already written. Sometimes I feel like I am watching my life without really being able to participate. The things I didn't get from my parents or teachers or through a normal learning process are the items I need to succeed. But how do you manufacture desire. How do you gravitate towards positive people? Do they exist? Or are we all here just barely hanging on, thinking we did it? We made life what it is for us. I don't think so. I feel that before I ever even had a chance the cards were stacked against me. Don't get me wrong; I am proud of what I am "not". I worked real hard to see the truth behind issues. But I can't help feeling like there is something just out of my reach. The opportunities I have had do not compare at all with a person's that grew up in a sound home with quality friends. If you ever watch A&E Biographies, one commonality among all successful people are nurturing, positive parents. The root of my problem? Too late now.
If you have children, it is your utmost responsibility to guide and teach. While your watching the ball game, your kids are trying to develop the skills needed to make it in life. Do you want your children to be troubled adults with little potential? If so, I can give you my parent’s number and you can get some pointers. It’s not hard, just think of you first. Trust me when I say, it is no fun whatsoever to be in my shoes. It feels like having a key to an empty bank vault. Or directions to nowhere...
Once upon a time I was conceived, I was born in a hospital, after that any resemblance of a normal life ceases to exist. My parents were far too busy using drugs, drinking and kicking the shit out of each other to realize they had responsibilities. What do they do? The right things of course, have two more. My earliest memories are unpleasant to say the least, and some things are better left where they are. But believe me when I tell you, growing up in a violent, abusive home does nothing for your life plans. The skills I took from my parent weren’t skills that would land me anywhere good, so I was left to my own doing. My first experiences with the outside world, came in the form of my neighborhood's various children, all of which, with the exception of a couple, ended in death or prison. So here I am, a child with near to useless parents, and I am growing up in a prison mentality atmosphere. Kinda sets the stage doesn’t it? This guy will do great things. Note: that was sarcasm. Oddly enough, I came out almost the exact opposite of what I grew up in. I treat people with respect, I am non-violent, I have never been to prison, and I do not hit my wife. Unfortunately, those are not enough to make a successful life.
And now the downside, As if that wasn't bad enough. I did manage to take some things from my past life, all of which I must lose to get anywhere. I have a strong distrust for humanity. My early encounters with people left me extremely leery. I have had the misfortune of attracting the worst types of people. Here are some examples...
I was once befriended by a girl I liked because her boyfriend, of whom I was unaware, just didn't like me. I grew up with the nickname "prettyboy". I can't help it if I am beautiful. This was a "hotbutton" amongst my peers. Girls liked me so guys hated me. Anyway, unaware that I am being set up I walked right into an ambush. So much for trusting woman, and men. And I can't even begin to list the times someone in authority screwed me over. So much for trusting authority. I have been run over with a car for talking with someone's girl, I have had guys act like my friend, only to get me out of my house so their friends could rob the place. I once had a guy I gave a home to steal all my stuff while I was at work, and then this asshole has the nerve to leave me a note telling me how sorry he was. I really could go on and on and on. I also paid 30 thousand dollars to go to school to learn, only to end up teaching. I still have to pay back the cash even though the school didn't live up to its end of the deal. I was once demoted and eventually quit a job because a man that couldn't control his temper had to be taken away from the party they offended. Instead of firing this 56 year old loser, they gave him my job and me his. The reason I even mention any of this is to bring this to my point. And that is, all of these life experiences have left me without one certain thing. I have no desire. I do not socialize, can you blame me. Just about every time I leave my house someone wants to confront me for something. This is no joke either. My wife thought I was bullshitting her when I told her that, it wasn't until we were on our first vacation together, when some shithead wants to fight me because I looked at him. This is actually 100% true. I do not have any friends. One needs to be social to have friends. I became a PC junkie because it's so impersonal. I don't go out, I don't like large crowds, and I have a very low tolerance for people wishing to act out. All of these things are reactionary. I used to be allot different. Starting quarterback on the state championship football team, at every party, tested with an above average IQ. At one time I wanted to be a lawyer. Probably because I grew up in an argument.
So where's this leave me...
Now I am 37 years old. I have a wife that's probably sick of me. No children. My views on life will not allow me to breed. No friends. No ambition. This is a direct result of years and years of being handed the shitty end of the stick. I know I am not the only person in these circumstances. Too bad for me that self-awareness and intelligence can't fix what is already written. Sometimes I feel like I am watching my life without really being able to participate. The things I didn't get from my parents or teachers or through a normal learning process are the items I need to succeed. But how do you manufacture desire. How do you gravitate towards positive people? Do they exist? Or are we all here just barely hanging on, thinking we did it? We made life what it is for us. I don't think so. I feel that before I ever even had a chance the cards were stacked against me. Don't get me wrong; I am proud of what I am "not". I worked real hard to see the truth behind issues. But I can't help feeling like there is something just out of my reach. The opportunities I have had do not compare at all with a person's that grew up in a sound home with quality friends. If you ever watch A&E Biographies, one commonality among all successful people are nurturing, positive parents. The root of my problem? Too late now.
If you have children, it is your utmost responsibility to guide and teach. While your watching the ball game, your kids are trying to develop the skills needed to make it in life. Do you want your children to be troubled adults with little potential? If so, I can give you my parent’s number and you can get some pointers. It’s not hard, just think of you first. Trust me when I say, it is no fun whatsoever to be in my shoes. It feels like having a key to an empty bank vault. Or directions to nowhere...
. I have maintained sanity where many others have cracked. I have survived things that has killed others (literally). And came through smarter (IMO) from those experiences. I have always had an insight that has kept me alive,getting as far from drugs as possibly, not partaking in activities that may incarcerate (spelling) me. Now to just kick the negativity habit. That come froms dear old dad. He gave up on trying to feel good a long time ago. I just can't let that happen to me. Spewing your mind onto "paper" is s theraputic. Thanks for listening and taking the time to reply. At least now I know there is at least one person out there with half a brain. I think I have the other half. LOOOL.
