What the Government Should Do for Me

As an avid reader of JoeUser.com, the most controversial site on the Internet, you are aware of the war between the rich and the poor. The poor demand that the rich aid them with aid to aid them in life, while the rich demand that anybody who's poor should quit begging and get a job. After some very insightful articles by Bakerstreet, I have to side with the rich in spite of the sheer incompetence of the poor. However, I cannot deny that I too am an incompetent buffoon and would enjoy having those more fortunate than I pampering me. Therefore, I beseech all of you selfless politically correct individual not only to fight to make the rich serve the poor, but for the competent to serve the incompetent in general. Remember, if you really care about people, then you'll demand that the government aid me with the following:

Girlfriends: I'm tired of seeing Hugh Hefner on television with all those girlfriends while I don't even have one. I feel nothing but jealous rage when I read about Solomon banging thousands of babes when I have yet to make it into the triple digits of scoredom. I could suck it up and persevere with what I already have, but I want to be a liberal. I want the government to force at least a hundred sexy women to be my girlfriends.
Weight Loss: I'm tired of gaining weight because I eat fast food and don't exercise, but I refuse to start exercising nor will I stop eating a daily helping of McDonalds. Sure, I could do some research and find an affordable diet pill that's safe and effective, but that'll take too much of my time, so I want the government to do it for me.
Household Chores: I'm just not as clean as I used to be, and it sickens me. I could probably get up and do some spring cleaning, but I'd much rather have the government offer free maids and gardeners to keep my place tidy. On top of that, they could also walk and bathe my pets.
American Idol: Not only was I told that I couldn't sing, but I was mocked by millions on television. I could probably either take some lessons and try much harder to further my music career or realize that I'm not fit to be a singer, but why should I be realistic about my goals? I want the government to install a cybernetic voicebox in my body so that I'll sing like an angel. I also want the government to pay for some heavy plastic surgery so that I could be the next Justin Timberlake.

These are but a few of the things that the government owes me for the imperfections with which God cursed me. If you still refuse to fight for my cause, then I have only one question to ask you. What if I had children? Would you still demand that I suffer in silence knowing that my children will suffer as well, which would mean that you want children to die? If so, then I'm sure that I could find a girl to impregnate...