My Sins
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JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I would have never assumed that life would actually turn out the way it just happened to. I actually thought high school would be alot more like junior high when i first went into it. I was just hoping that it wouldn't be. For the first two years of high school life was normal. Just like every other year of life up until that point. Every year a new crush that i would gaze at and fantasize over and who would ingore ma and niether know my name, nor of my existance. That was changed this year.
Adam changed all that. What can i say? He had to. Actually, it didn't start with Adam. It started with a guy from my block class who figured out where i worked and asked me out. I declined, but it seemed he began a revolution. After him there were five more who asked me, all of which i declined. My friends and i had an on going joke that they were my list of guys that i turned down, all of which i found great faults with and could name them off at random. Adam changed my list. After he asked me out it became the list of guys.
I started liking him in May of last year. 2003. It was the very end of the school year and he had a horrible reputation in the opinion all of the people within my honors classes. When i confessed it to my friends she stood shocked. It was actually quite a funny moment.
About a second that i realized that i liked Adam, i had known BJ. What a kid. He and i used to flirt and laugh, but nothing ever came of it. It was Adam that i got to know in the summer. It was him that went to my church and that knew all my friends. It was him that i was so jealous over when he started dating an aquantiance of mine. BJ was long forgotten. But just happened to ask me out today, which i confessed to Adam, who didnt understand why i was telling him at all and discovered that he really hated BJ, and i declined, telling him that i loved Adam, and he was the only one that i could ever concider at this time.
When Adam and i became close attachments, and eventually started dating, the things that have happened i never would have assumed. He was quiet, shy, drol, witty. All of those things he still is, but knowing a person and developing a relationship with them allows you to see them in a completely different way.
I never assumed he was as liberal as he is. haha, not in the political sort of way, but the actions sort of way. At least compared to most ulrta concervative christians. We've never had sex, no, not even close, i think if you were grading on that baseball scare we're somewhere near second base. But its not acceptable.
Yesterday, things went to far. I went to sleep feeling wreched, crying and i'm not sure if it was from the action, or because i was coughing from sickenss. I prefer to think that it was the second. I woke up feeling worse. Feeling guilty. My mind was swimming of thoughts that questioned my faith. "Maybe your not really a christian." "If you were really saved this would not be such a temptation." "What makes you think God can forgive that?" I prayed for forgiveness so many times that i couldn't count any more. I didn't want to get out of bed. And what was worse? I kept thinking that my purity, the only gift i have for the man i one day will marry, was gone. And that i almost didn't care. I wanted to shut myself in a small room and stay there. Buy, it wasn't allowed. The alarm clock tolled and i HAD to get up for school.
The only comfort i had was my firiend, who seemed to be having the same problem, consistant sinning without care, started explaining what to do. "You can't do it on your own. You can't. We're human, mortal, and sinful. Now that doesn't give us an excuse to sin, not at all, but know that Jesus will always forgive. You did not commit the unpardonable sin. Just know that you need prayer; and that one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control"
Its the only conforting thought i've really had all day.
Adam changed all that. What can i say? He had to. Actually, it didn't start with Adam. It started with a guy from my block class who figured out where i worked and asked me out. I declined, but it seemed he began a revolution. After him there were five more who asked me, all of which i declined. My friends and i had an on going joke that they were my list of guys that i turned down, all of which i found great faults with and could name them off at random. Adam changed my list. After he asked me out it became the list of guys.
I started liking him in May of last year. 2003. It was the very end of the school year and he had a horrible reputation in the opinion all of the people within my honors classes. When i confessed it to my friends she stood shocked. It was actually quite a funny moment.
About a second that i realized that i liked Adam, i had known BJ. What a kid. He and i used to flirt and laugh, but nothing ever came of it. It was Adam that i got to know in the summer. It was him that went to my church and that knew all my friends. It was him that i was so jealous over when he started dating an aquantiance of mine. BJ was long forgotten. But just happened to ask me out today, which i confessed to Adam, who didnt understand why i was telling him at all and discovered that he really hated BJ, and i declined, telling him that i loved Adam, and he was the only one that i could ever concider at this time.
When Adam and i became close attachments, and eventually started dating, the things that have happened i never would have assumed. He was quiet, shy, drol, witty. All of those things he still is, but knowing a person and developing a relationship with them allows you to see them in a completely different way.
I never assumed he was as liberal as he is. haha, not in the political sort of way, but the actions sort of way. At least compared to most ulrta concervative christians. We've never had sex, no, not even close, i think if you were grading on that baseball scare we're somewhere near second base. But its not acceptable.
Yesterday, things went to far. I went to sleep feeling wreched, crying and i'm not sure if it was from the action, or because i was coughing from sickenss. I prefer to think that it was the second. I woke up feeling worse. Feeling guilty. My mind was swimming of thoughts that questioned my faith. "Maybe your not really a christian." "If you were really saved this would not be such a temptation." "What makes you think God can forgive that?" I prayed for forgiveness so many times that i couldn't count any more. I didn't want to get out of bed. And what was worse? I kept thinking that my purity, the only gift i have for the man i one day will marry, was gone. And that i almost didn't care. I wanted to shut myself in a small room and stay there. Buy, it wasn't allowed. The alarm clock tolled and i HAD to get up for school.
The only comfort i had was my firiend, who seemed to be having the same problem, consistant sinning without care, started explaining what to do. "You can't do it on your own. You can't. We're human, mortal, and sinful. Now that doesn't give us an excuse to sin, not at all, but know that Jesus will always forgive. You did not commit the unpardonable sin. Just know that you need prayer; and that one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control"
Its the only conforting thought i've really had all day.