A life spent in limbo.

from JoeUser Forums

It's a funny kind of limbo us military spouses are thrown into when our husbands are away on deployment.

We're alone.  We are, for all intents and purposes, single parents, single people.  We're colloquially known as 'widows'. 

But we're not widowed.  Our husbands are still alive.  We're not divorced, we still wear our wedding bands and sleep in the marital bed.  We're separated, but not legally.

We're supposed to keep ourselves to ourselves.  We're supposed to ignore our human nature, ignore our psyche's cries for human contact and touch.  We're not supposed to want male company or attention.  If we heed our needs and seek out male company (not matter how innocent our intentions), we are looked down upon by society in general.  We are labeled as sluts, as women who don't care that their husband's are off fighting a war.  The community gives us a big scarlet letter and expects us to wear it...we are expected to be ashamed of ourselves and if we're not, society does the shaming for us.

Nobody seems to want to understand that our husband's have been gone for months, sometimes years at a time.  No one seems to mind when our husband's listen to their needs and mingle with females - because they are fighting a war, after all, and that's a stressful thing to do.  We shouldn't begrudge them a conversation or two with another woman.  They're human, it's normal for men to want the company of the opposite sex from time to time.  It's understandable for our men....but not for us.

If we DO take action to satisfy our needs, we are automatically betraying our husband's trust.  Us 'widows' can't have an innocent conversation with a man who is not our husband, oh no.  We're all sex-starved sluts who drop our pants and spread our legs for any Tom, Dick and Harry (pun intended) who comes along.  If we have a man come over to mow the lawn or clean the gutters and we invite him in for coffee or a soda when he is done, we are obviously having sex with him.  We simply can't control ourselves.  Our husbands are gone, see....and when the cat's away, the mice will fuck whoever, whenever, wherever.   We can't be trusted with another man when our husband's are gone.

War sucks.  Constant deployments suck.  Being separated for 70% of the year definately sucks.  Having needs and desires that know no difference between war and peace, between separation and togetherness - that kind of sucks too.  But you know what really sucks?  Being labeled a slut simply for being human.

I know what is in my heart.  I know what I will do, and what I won't do.  I know that when I say I need male company I don't mean that I need to get laid.  I'm not looking to 'hook up' with anyone.  I'm not trying to replace my husband.  I just need to hear a man's voice, to feel a male presence and a male perspective.....because those things somehow remind me of how much I love my husband.  They bring home to me how much I cherish my marriage and my relationship with him, how damn lucky I am to have him. 

So go ahead, all you women who have labelled me and my sisters-in-arms 'sluts' or 'whores' or who have cast doubt upon our fidelity.  Go ahead and fabricate things about us when you run out of half truths.  Go ahead and do whatever makes you feel better, whatever it takes to get you through the day, even though you condemn us for doing the same.  You can say what you want about us, becuase you don't know what it's like to live our lives.  You haven't walked a mile in our shoes.  

Our shoes are far to big for you.  You couldn't fill them if you tried.

 

copyright Karen E Frederick, 2005

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5,776 views 10 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I know of which you speak. I had a male friend who would mow my lawn while my husband was deployed. I was friends with both him and his wife but of course the rumor mill started. He was being helpful to me because he knew my husband was gone but somehow it became a raging, lustful affair at least in those sick peoples minds.

I had a friend who had a neighbor tell her husband who told my friends husband that there was a man at her house. Turned out it was the bug guy but it's ridiculous that she had to explain herself when she didn't do anything wrong.

I had another friend who got the cold shoulder from her entire neighborhood because her brother came to visit. Don't you dare have a male vistor in housing without making sure everyone knows who it is or you will be branded.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

He was being helpful to me because he knew my husband was gone but somehow it became a raging, lustful affair at least in those sick peoples minds

Exactly.  We can't even have a man in the vicinity without everyone thinking that we're sleeping with them.  After I had the car accident that nearly killed me, I came home and had the kids 'Big Brother' come over to check on me and them...and my neighbor called my husband in greenland to tell him that I was fucking this guy in our bed.  I had a bunch of broken bones, couldn't stand and had almost been killed a week before, but I was still screwing this guy who had tried to do the human thing and help me out.

It's sickening.

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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Even if you (or another spouse) is having an affair while they're away, then so what? I'd appreciate anyone keeping my wife company while I'm gone, even if they're keeping her *company*. We all have our needs; we need companionship, and even sex, the same way we need food or water or air.

And these bitches need to mind their own business. For god's sake, are they that bored? Maybe they're the ones that need to have a dick in them all the time.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

We all have our needs; we need companionship, and even sex, the same way we need food or water or air.

And these bitches need to mind their own business. For god's sake, are they that bored?

THANK YOU!!!! You 'get' it! 

It's not so much about the sex as it is the companionship.  Human touch is incredibly important, and people don't seem to understand that when you're in this limbo you're deprived of that.  I wrote about needing a hug a while back when Dave was in the desert.....I got one from my friend Kim, but what I really needed was a man, a guy with whiskers and big arms to hold me in his arms and let me relish being there.  Nothing else would've come of it, I'd have been perfectly satisfied with that hug.....and I never got it.  I have a BoB that takes care of business as far as the sex goes, but I really do crave male company sometimes.  I want to be hugged, I want to hear a male voice and feel that masculine presence...I want to close my eyes and pretend that it's my husband holding me.  I swear I wouldn't be half as sad as I usually am if I had a man who was prepared to come and hug me a couple of times a week.

Oh, and yes, these bitches ARE that bored.  They have small minds and small lives and they live for gossip and innuendo.  They're not happy unless they have someone to villify - i personally think that pointing the finger at someone else makes them feel better about the bullshit they themselves do.  That's why I don't do the traditional spouse things like the enlisted wives club and all the rest of that crap.  Those organizations are gossip mills, and I don't want any part of it.

You'd give me a hug, wouldn't you Zwei?

Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think they need to be told that they've outgrown the high school lunchroom. At least this explains how tabloids stay in business.

Of course I would. As long as you'd be available for hugs for when I'm feeling down.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

Of course I would. As long as you'd be available for hugs for when I'm feeling down

Of course I would....it's reciprocal.

Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
The worst part about this is its usually other military spouses doing it.

Their husbands are gone and they are bored, or their husbands are home and they are bored.

Either way they need to get a life.

And D they are probably jealous of you, cute, thin and madly in love with your man. Bet they can't wait to see you fall ....and help it along as best as they can. Screw'm. You know better and so do all the people who know you.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I know when my husband was on deployment, I would be fine until someone was nice to me. Once someone showed some care and concern then I would just lose it. The worst was being separated for the holidays. We've only been apart for Christmas once but we've missed so many birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays.

You know something else I hate is when people say "I couldn't do that, be apart from my husband that long". I know that they mean this to be a compliment but it just irritates me. Like I like it. I just do what I have to do because I have no choice.

Okay you opened a can of worms with me but you get to the point where you hate to see other couples together. I would hate to see people holding hands, hugging. It just pissed me off because I felt so ripped off in that department. I guess I became bitter as the deployments went on but it is so hard. Okay rant over for now. Loca out.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Actually that blade swings both ways. I've always had more friends that were girls than guys. Pam knows this, and has never had a problem with it. However (as you point out) in the military, any friendship shown between members of the opposite sex is just a torrid affair. What is worse, the guy on deployment is pretty much expected to cheat, and if he isn't then he's a sucker because, well, his wife is home dropping their pants and spreading their legs... right?

I keep hearing politicians talk about how men and women in the same units is "no big deal" because troops are far too professional to let anything so unprofessional as sex occur on deployments. Well, from your article (and a shared reality between us both) we can see that there is a problem... and it's not just with the deployed.

Pam got to the point that she almost didn't mind me being gone (almost). She and her friends learned that there are advantages to not having husbands around. Of course, they had that freedom because they had eath other for support. Hopefully you can find that kind of group of friends to help you not only make it through, but actually have fun doing it. Meanwhile, remember that you have cyberbuddies pulling (and praying) for you, and supporting you. And even willing to offer you a reassuring hug when no one is looking. ;~D
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top

And D they are probably jealous of you, cute, thin and madly in love with your man. Bet they can't wait to see you fall ....and help it along as best as they can. Screw'm. You know better and so do all the people who know you

Hahah!  I'm not that thin....but I'm getting there.  Thanks for the compliments anyway, that made me blush.  Yeah, I know what's in my heart.  I know what's up, and so does Dave...and a few other people, the majority of whom have never actually met me in person.  Everyone else...they can eff of and die.

You know something else I hate is when people say "I couldn't do that, be apart from my husband that long". I know that they mean this to be a compliment but it just irritates me

Oh gawd, me too.  I used to never think that I could be away from him for that long, but you know what?  I don't have a choice.  If I want to be married to him, then this is what I have to do.  I don't like it, and if I could choose I'd change things....but I can't choose.  There is no choice to this.  This is the way it is, and we just do it and get on with it.

you get to the point where you hate to see other couples together. I would hate to see people holding hands, hugging. It just pissed me off because I felt so ripped off in that department. I guess I became bitter as the deployments went on but it is so hard

it's easy to do...get bitter, I mean.  I hate Valentines day when I'm alone, I hate to see other people as pairs, I hate to hear other women complain about how their husband didn't kiss them goodnight or how he was 15 mins late home from work...because I'd give my right arm to have my husband home to do that kind of stuff.  I'd appreciate him being in the same damn town as me, let alone 15 mins late home from work.  Some chicks just don't know how good they have it.