It's all too much

A venting rant.

from JoeUser Forums

This past week has been horrible, JU.  Thing is, it's been my own doing.  Well, mostly my own doing.

I did something that was, in retrospect, pretty stupid.

I flushed all my pain meds.  All of them.  I had this surgery so that I could NOT have to take meds anymore, yet here I am 2 months later still finding myself in pain and needing to take them.  I didn't like that, and I started to question my reasoning for taking them.  I had a physical dependency once before and I know how fucking horrible it is....and I really don't want to go there again.  I over-thought, freaked myself out a little, and on the spur of the moment flushed all of them down the loo.

I shouldn't have done that.  The last time I saw the surgeon I mentioned that I was worried about still being in pain, and he said that it takes some time to get over this surgery.  "Rome wasn't built in a day" he said, and I know that, but.....his office seems to be a little too free-handed with the prescription pad, and that worries me.  They offered me demerol to take at home after the surgery, without my even seeing the doctor.  That's not good.  Not at all. (I said "no thanks", btw.  That's a road I'm not willing to walk down.)

So, now I have nothing stronger than pyroxicam, which I don't like taking because it gives me horrible heartburn. So, I'm going to go see my family doc tomorrow.  Larry knows me pretty well, he and I have had conversations about pain meds and their dangers in the past.  I'm going to explain my concerns about the surgeon's office, tell him what I did last week, and see what he thinks we should do.  I'd rather get medications from him than from the surgeon...at least I have some continuity of care, at least he's seeing me before he prescribes for me. 

I'm scared, and I'm going to tell him that.  I'm not addicted, but I can see how I could easily be.  I want him to help me...no, I NEED him to help me.  I need him to tell me that he's going to work with me and find a way to control my pain adequately without getting me hooked on anything.  I've always viewed my relationship with him as a partnership - both of us have my best interests at heart - and I need him to be my wingman on this.

So, I've been in a bit of turmoil because of that, and then my stress levels went up even more with the news that my birth mother was alive and well.  I never thought that I'd find her....I honestly thought she was dead.  But, shes not.  Finding her has made me questions a LOT of things.  Having a relationship with her scares the bejesus out of me, and I don't really know why.  Perhaps it's because it's a disruption to this cosy little nest that I've created for myself.  Maybe I'm afraid that she will cause the walls I've built to come crumbling down.....I might find that there are things in my heritage that I don't like.  I might not even like her. Worse still.....she might not want to know me.  I don't know why that bothers me so much.  Perhaps I'm afraid of rejection....but how can rejection by a person I don't know have such an effect on me?

It's been a rough week, y'all.  I'm sorry if I've been a little short with any of you...I've been a little short and downright mean to a lot of people this week.  It hasn't been their fault, it's been me.  I'm just overwrought and overtired, I've been thinking too hard and I've burnt myself out.

Buddhism teaches us to view life and things that come with it as an ocean and ourselves as surfers.  Sometimes we get easy riding waves, waves that we can soul-surf our way to shore on.  Other times we get 7-footers, nasty, choppy sets that we really have to hang ten on and fight to keep from falling off our boards. 

I've had a combination of both.  But hey, sometimes hanging ten can be fun....right?

misc
4,421 views 11 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
K~

*HUGS* I think it's great that you're being so concientious about your meds and just listening to your body. I also hope that you're feeling MUCH better really soon.

As for your birth mother situation--I don't know what to say. I can't imagine the emotions you might be feeling at this juncture. I think that you have the emotional constitution to get through whatever this situation might bring, as well as the good sense to know what to do.

I love you, chica, and I hope you're feeling A-OK real soon!

~MOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

I think it's great that you're being so concientious about your meds and just listening to your body

I'm trying, marcie.  That's why I want to go see Larry...because I trust him to help me, rather than just throw more meds at me.  i want to come up with a plan together that we both agree is the best one for me.  seeing a doc who's too liberal with his prescriptions scares me because I'm afraid I'm going to go sliding down that slippery slope of addiction. 

My birth mother.....I dunno what to think or feel there.  Now that it's reality it's all very strange and somewhat surreal.

Love you too, chickie!

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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Is your pain continuous? Or just occasional?

My mom has severe rheumatoid arthritis as well as severe osteoarthritis. Her feet and elbows are severely disfigured, and more and more joints become achy for her every year. She continues to work a job that requires her to be on her feet for most of her shift. In order to do this, she needs pain medications as well. I *believe* many of them are narcotic (which worries me), and her rheumatologist keeps throwing drugs at her, too, instead of MAKING her stop smoking and GETTING her on some sort of activity plan like water aerobics that would help her to lose some weight and keep her active in general.

Anyway (sorry...I'm ranting, too), my mom uses a pain patch that lasts for three days at a time, and I believe it's non-addictive, if I remember correctly. I may be wrong, however. But she says it's great...she doesn't have to worry about pills, they don't upset her tummy, and she's pretty pain-free. I guess I don't know...*IS* there anything that's non-addictive? Can you just take the narcotics when the pain is the worst and then supplement with over-the-counter medications in between? We kept my dad fairly comfortable like that for a LONG time while he was dying. I think he was comfortable like that until he couldn't swallow anymore and they just did a sub-q.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not fair to you to live your life in pain, either, even if it just for a little while. It's no way to live.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Perhaps I'm afraid of rejection....but how can rejection by a person I don't know have such an effect on me?


Maybe because we've all been taught that a mother's love is the strongest thing there is. That, regardless of circumstances, she did go and do it, gave you up, let someone else take you away from her. As an adult, you can rationalize it all, but there's a child still in each of us, and it would hurt like hell even more, if she did it again.

(Whew. Where'd that come from? ) I don't know what to say, all I know is it's a tough situation, but I also know that you are a tougher woman. Good luck with your health, and good luck with future relationships.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top

Being true to oneself is sometimes hard.  If it was easy, would we not all be that way all the time?

be true to yourself.

Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

my mom uses a pain patch that lasts for three days at a time, and I believe it's non-addictive, if I remember correctly. I may be wrong, however.

You are.  The only medication that comes in patch form is fetanyl.  It's a potent narcotic...making it potentially addictive.

 

 

Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
The only medication that comes in patch form is fetanyl. It's a potent narcotic...making it potentially addictive.


the nurses drug of choice D. and highly addictive.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have a close family member who has much the same struggle.

My dad has severe, chronic migraines. They are often completely debilitating, so for him to function, medication is almost always necessary (if he gets a bad one and takes no medication and the migraine progresses, in addition to the usual vomitting and illness, he will basically go out of his mind crazy...he will be confused and aggitated...it's really scary).

He's had them for most of his adult life, and has tried every food and behavior modification you can think of, meditation, bio-feedback, a stay at a migraine clinic, and pretty much every medication available.

The medications that actually work for his headaches also make him a slave to the meds. He's had addictions and withdrawals (and having watched one of his withdrawals, I can't imagine anything worse), and he will never be above it. It's always a risk.

He, like you, has had problems with doctors over prescribing for him. They know his history and concerns and yet they still do it. Right now what he does is give his meds to my mom. She hides them. When he needs one, he asks for it. That way he is not the one to monitor his use.

It's not perfect, and it can lead to problems when he feels he needs meds and my mom feels like he's had too many in too short a period, but it's preferable to a cycle of addiction and withdrawal.

I think the fact that you realize what can happen and are actively trying to safeguard against it is a very good thing. Prescription drug addiction can sneak up on the most upstanding and cautious of people. Hopefully your doctor will be able to work with you to create a pain management plan that will help you avoid the agony and despair of addiction.

You're in my thoughts, dharma. I know this isn't easy.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry, know the feeling. I'm stubborn about pain meds too. I wouldn't even take Ibuprofen until I got a running injury, and only then for the antiinflammatory effects.

Glad you found your mom, hope it goes well. And those pictures of your dog and kid were incredibly cute. (catching up all at once, my computer was down with a virus........)
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
My dad has severe, chronic migraines. They are often completely debilitating, so for him to function, medication is almost always necessary (if he gets a bad one and takes no medication and the migraine progresses, in addition to the usual vomitting and illness, he will basically go out of his mind crazy...he will be confused and aggitated...it's really scary).


Tex.....My wife has the exact same problem as your dad. Have him look into Imitrex. It's a 20mg one shot nasal spray. Works great for my wife. Might be worth looking into for your dad. BTW, it's not a narcotic. My wife has taken it and been driving at the time.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
drmiler:
My wife has the exact same problem as your dad. Have him look into Imitrex. It's a 20mg one shot nasal spray.


He's used Imitrex in the past. If he uses it early enough (before his headache really starts) it does help some.

Bless you and your wife. I know how hard it is on my dad...and how hard it is on my mom as well. I'm glad to hear that your wife has found something that works well for her. Migraines are awful.