Supervised Visits

. . . and they aren't even my kids!

from JoeUser Forums
Perhaps a short history will help me see the situation more clearly:

My college roomate becomes my best friend.

Her 14 year old sister has two babies before she gets her driver's license.

As a full time college student, I agree to live with my best friend and her infant and toddler neices after they are removed from their mother's care due to neglect.

I become a co-dependent surrogate parent, willfully sacrificing my college years because I am sick and think my sole purpose in life is to help my friend.

The girls become the light of my life, and I consider them family.

By the grace of God, I decide to move to a different town after graduation. We continue to be enmeshed and unhealthy. I drive to her city at least twice a month, and I become the built in babysitter.

Life starts to suck pretty bad, and I start feeling desperately lonely. After months of pain, I begin seeing a councelor, and slowly things improve.

I come to understand how unhealthy my thinking has been, and how dysfunctional this relationship has become. We wade through the treacherous waters of co-dependency, and I maintain my relationship with her girls.

I keep the girls anytime she needs a break, and I am pretty much the only consistent relationship they have in their lives. (Their biological mom is now a speed addict, and their aunt has gone through numerous other co-dependent relationships).

The girls stay with me at least once a month, and in the summer time I keep them for up to two weeks. I take them special places, and I am purposeful about spending quality time with them.

There aunt has decided she is done with God, and no longer desires to raise her girls with a faith. She is in a new highly toxic codependent relationship, and rather than deal with reality, she's decided to blame me for her problems.

I was informed this week that I am no longer allowed to see the girls without her supervision. This is due to the fact that I permitted her girls to express their feelings about being emotionally neglected and encouraged them to tell their aunt how they felt. I also allowed them to see Willy Wonka, which apparently was a no-no.

Today I feel bitter, yet resilent. I will write the girls. I will set up supervised visits. I will maintain contact to the best of my ability.

I don't have a "best friend" anymore, but who really wants one like her anyway?

(I'm fully aware that no one really cares about all this junk, but I needed to get it out. Don't feel obligated to respond)
misc
8,557 views 17 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm so sorry to hear that, Tenille.

Hypothetical question: If she were to decide that she no longer wanted to care for the girls, or if she was no longer able (which is a concern considering the situations she puts herself in), would you be willing to raise them?

I am holding out hope that maybe when she gets out of the destructive relationship she's in, she'll understand what she's doing to her girls and make things right.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
So sad. I'm sorry

Here's hoping TX is right and that she'll come to realize that having you in their lives is not just an asset, but a necessity.
Multiplicity - Control multiple PCs using one keyboard and mouse
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Brandie,

Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate your empathy and well-wishes. I too hope this will blow over soon. As far as the hypothetical situation goes, I am no longer sure what would happen to the girls. To my knowledge, she does not have a living will, and up until this point in time, she has expressed that she would want me to raise them. Of course now she no longer trust my judgement, so perhaps it will be her new co-dependent friend. I would absolutely be willing to raise the girls.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
HC

Thank you for your kind words. I guess I will let it unfold and see what happens.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow T, why haven't you shared all this before? I know you've mentioned the problems, but not to this extent. Maybe I've been too busy with my own inward thoughts to notice or hear what you are saying. If so, I want to apologize. Those two girls are the sweetest girls, and it breaks my heart to see what's happening to them. As far as you are concerned, you've got new family and perhaps 2, if not more, potential "best friends." If you allow it.

I'll be praying for you, your former "best friend," and the girls.

B~
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

"New Family" is not, and could never be, enough to replace such precious girls, no matter how wonderful you are! 

Nill, your situation has been all that's on my mind lately, and finding a solution has proved to be a dead-end task. 

All I can say is that Talawna needs to taken out into the woods, tied to a fence post, and nibbled on by nameless creatures.  Maybe then she would have enough alone time to realize that YOU'RE AWESOME!!!

Trinitie

p.s.  Willy Wonka rocked my houseboat, and you deserved to see it with the girls more than she did.  So there.

Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
I didn't say anything about "new family" taking the place of the kids or of real family. T just knows that her "new family" is there for support, or to pray, cry, or talk with her.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I want to apologize


Bruce,

No apologies neccesary. I've really been trying hard not to dwell on it, but I would appreciate your prayers. Thank you for the encouragement, and for reminding me I am loved!

Talawna needs to taken out into the woods, tied to a fence post, and nibbled on by nameless creatures


Trin,

You're the best! Thanks for taking my side. That is what sisters are for!
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Think of it this way, at least you can still see them, and hope to see them more often.

I no longer see my former best friends son, haven't seen him in will over a year and I used to babysit for him every day. I haven't seen her since I found out that she slept with my kids father while him and I were still together and I was pregnant with my youngest. I feel bad about it, but to see him, I would have to talk to her, and I can't do that. I'll do a better write up about that situation later on my own blog.

My advice would be, get your foster parent certification done. If you see her abusing the girls, report it, and with you certification in place, you'll probably get them as foster kids since they know you. I know it sounds cold, but don't make up alligations, and only report if there is a noticable problem which you should do anyway. Or pray that the situation gets better. Don't know why Willy Wanka would be that big of a deal, unless she wanted to take them or was planning it.

My best to you *HUGS*
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Or pray that the situation gets better


Msladydeath,

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate the suggestions, and I will definitely be praying for both my friend and her neices. I'm sorry about your situation with your husband. That must have been devastating.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top

"""""That is what sisters are for!"""""

Girl, you know if I thought you wuz wrong, I'd let ya know that, too!

Trinitie

Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm sorry about your situation with your husband. That must have been devastating.


Fortunatally, we didn't get married, he wanted to when he got out of jail, I didn't, then when I was ready to get married, he didn't want to. It's long and complicated, but I'm thankfull it's over, that I know that he cheated, and that I don't have to grant him visitation (he is in Prison currently, has been since 2 weeks after he left us, and will be there for a long time) I don't even mind not getting more than $10 a month for child support, he didn't care about the kids when he was around, and didn't even bother writeing the girls a letter on their birthday last week, and he can't forget their birthday, it's the same day as his. UG. Oh well. I always try to remember that someone, somewhere, has it worse than me, and that helps me be thankfull for what I have, and don't have to share. (makes me sound greedy don't it).
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
lobster,

Not much to say but WOW! Hope things work out for the best for you (and, it should go without saying, for the kids)!
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
You know Tenille, Trinitie once told me that she was wise. Or should I say is wise. Well, I guess you get what I am saying. TRINITIE IS A WISE OLD FART!! But again you're even wiser. I promise.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
I must say that I am hurt and devastated that Tenille has painted the picture to be so grim and I must say "painted." Because as you all know there are two sides to every story. I love Tenille dearly and she has been monumental in my life. We have learned from one another things that God could only teach through one another. I am blessed for that. Because I love her I will not slander nor defame her in the way in which she has done me.

I can assure you that we are all a bit unhealthy. Part of life is trying to wade through life and figure things out the best way we can. That is what I am trying to do. Honestly I feel like things are going well for me now. I have not given up on God. I have only found myself in a place where I have some difficult questions to which he is refusing to answer, or at least in a way that I can understand. He may never answer in a way acceptable to me and I am fully aware of that. I miss him and the relationship that we had. I am not willing to forfeit that no matter what answers I do or do not receive. I am just searching to find my way. So, "no" I do not wish to raise my girls without a faith. But I do want to teach them that life isn't fair and we don't have to pretend that everything is okay, and not to fear the questions that we have.

As far as the girls. If you only knew my life...I get up every morning and most days they I know that they are my motivation for getting up and going to work. The responsbility of another life (in my case 2) is more overwhelming than you would know unless you have children. My love for them is unconditional as much as the human heart is able. I would never put them in harms way. Emotional neglect. I guess some may see single parenting as emotional neglect because one parent is missing. If you have children then you know that they can be manipulative. They think I am neglecting them if I don't let them have a Dr. Pepper before bed. Understandably they are "missing" me more now. I have recently become a full-time working person after being a full-time college student. So to them, it seems like I am not home at all. But I assure you that the three hours I get with them in the every evening is all theres, after they do their chores of course. Most of all they know that they are loved by myself and many others. Ask Tenille, I don't think she would disagree.


Trinitie...I think that CPS should spend their time with families in situations like yours. I am so sorry that the "system" seems to have failed your two younger sisters and possibly even you. When I pray...hopefully again soon, I will pray that God will turn the bad into good like he has done in my life. I am thankful for your presence in their lives. Research in resiliency in children shows that if a child has ONE positive influence in their lives, it can make a lifetime of difference. Hang onto that.

All of you who are praying for Tenille and her broken heart, if you are non-discriminatory in your prayers, you can pray for me too.

PS..And the Willy Wonka thing was based on principle. I am not that anal. I had heard bad things about it and expressed that I wanted to "screen" the movie before allowing them to see it. It was the end of a long list of what I consider momentary lapses in Tenille's judgement.

Thanks all..

The co-dependent friend (ex), No, I refuse to own that.

Telawna
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top

Because I love her I will not slander nor defame her in the way in which she has done me.

I really don't think she intended to "slander or defame" you.  She may have indirectly made some dirogetory remarks, but this is her blog---meaning sometimes her thoughts are caustic, hence the writing instead of facing the person who was the initial catalyst for the pain.  Tenille loves you and your girls; is she didn't, she wouldn't be writing about the situation or trying to fix it.

But I do want to teach them that life isn't fair and we don't have to pretend that everything is okay, and not to fear the questions that we have.

Can I just say that I want to celebrate at the sight of those words?  It's such a blessing that the girls are being raised by someone who is (finally) aware of that.  I also want to say that your decisions pertaining to God are no one's business but your own, and think everyone, even Tenille, has gone through that.  She just chooses to describe her thoughts in a different way, with a little less bluntness and a lot more caution, mostly because she knows that people judge others for doubt.

Most of all they know that they are loved by myself and many others. Ask Tenille, I don't think she would disagree.

No, she definately would not disagree.  Did you ever speak with Tenille about exactly what happened during the said conversation with the girls?  Tenille knows that you have always done the best you can, and that no one could ever love those girls more than you.  But, she also loves the girls, and when they come to her with genuine concern and tears in their eyes, all she wants to do is ease their pain.  I realize she doesn't know the girls as well as you; she no longer lives with them, and they become more complex every year.  This is a big part of the cause for this whole problem.  I don't believe she ever said anything to the girls defiling your character or your ability as a parent.  As far as I know, she did nothing but defend you and let the girls know that you're just busy and you could never stop loving them.  I think you know this, too.  You said yourself, children can be manipulative, and they can also be misleading.  I think they came to you with a "Tenille said we should talk" attitude, and you mistook it for "Tenille said you suck".

If I were you, I would be just as defensive with it came to my parenting technique, and no one should have the right to question it.  But Tenille was a large part of the girls lives, as well as yours, and she feels she knows when something is wrong.  She is a "fixer" (which, believe me, gets extremely annoying), and wants everything to be pleasant in everyone's lives.  I think she just needs to learn that families have hard times; it's a rule of life.

I know that you know that the girls well-being is in no way threatened by them being Tenille.  She may have made some bad judgements pertaining to who can watch the girls and what movies they can see, but I really don't think you would have protested in the way you did until the conversation between Tenille and the girls took place.  What I don't think you believe is that Tenille would NEVER ever make your girls think that you are in any way a bad parent.  She would defend you to the death.

I have been informed that Tenille apologized and agreed to do whatever you requested of her when the girls were in her care.  She doesn't know what else to do, and this is tearing her up.  So, in a moment of desperation, she wrote about it and elicited responses telling her that there is good and evil, and she is the good.  I think there is some gray area, and you guys should talk like adults (I realize I'm not EVEN  the one who should be writing this) at least for the girls sake.

Tenille shouldn't make this about her, and you shouldn't make it about you...you know who it's about.  This isn't divorce court.

Trinitie

p.s.  Thank you for your comment on my sisters; the fact that YOU think I'm a GOOD influence makes me smile, cuz you've always believed me to be a bit...off...which I am.

P.p.s. Tenille doesn't know I'm writing this, and will probably be upset after she sees it. She in no way influence my thinking; I don't even know if she's read your comment yet; she's at school.

Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm not a writer and I have never write in a blog, but reading all of this, and seeing that this is growing in a bad direction and the most you talk or say anything looks like you complicated more or hurt each other more. I love Tenille and I know how important the girls are for her. And you know what? Just watching the TV today and seeing all the people from New Orleans who they loose all what they have with the Hurricane...incuding their families, make me think that some times we complicated our lifes so bad. Lets pretend that all this situation was just like the "Hurricane", where eveybody loose, eveybody cry, and eveybody is hurt. For a lot of people that they are "out " already and safe it's a new begining and they need to start all over, from nothing. And you know what is the big diference?... you still having something (a lot from my point of view).... JESUS, love, forgiveness. I think the girls are worthed... I don't know if you want to build something in the same place because take time and effort to "clean" all and fix "all", but you have the option to forgive and let Jesus be in charge of cleaning and fixing. The only thing you can do is to leave the place that is flood, put eveything in the past and open your heart for the good, what is the good in all of this? Share your time and love with the girls.