Howlin' Howie Bob's Southern Strategy
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I stepped out on the balcony a couple of days ago to reposition a pot of petunias and as I turned them to catch more sun, an envelope containing this looooong speech dropped out. The return address was simply :
Deep Eustachian Tube
Totally-in-the-Dark, D.C.
=======================================================================================
=======================================================================================
Howlin’ Howie Bob’s Southern Strategy
(I get by with a little ayuda from my friends)
Welcome, Mr. Soros, El Presidente Fox, and you other lesser but semi-equal Democrats, to the Tuscaloosa Holiday Inn. This is my inaugural presentation to the Howard Bob Dean DNC Southern Strategy Brain Trust. Mr. Soros approved and paid for this meeting so I can explain how we Democrats can once again become the dominant party in the Deep South and recapture the White House.
As my media advisor and fact checker Dan Bob Rather explained about our recent dismal failures in that region, “We don’t know whether to wind our watches or to bark at the moon.” After that incident during the primaries I’m concentrating on watch winding.
But more important than keeping correct time are empathy and acceptance. That’s why every true Democrat will, like me, immediately change his middle name to Bob. Wives too. There are exceptions.
The political chameleon formerly known as Hillary will hereafter be known as Big Mama Ice. Teddy will retain his hard-earned sobriquet of “Senator SEAL” and Senate Minority Leader Reid will continue his character assassinations in the guise of “Dirty Harry”, regardless of the snickers it evokes. Party hero Michael Moore will obviously continue to be known as “Stinky” and Dennis Kucinich will, equally obviously, answer to “Opie.” Southern voters will love us for embracing their culture.
John Bob “I can’t believe I lost to that idiot” Kerry does believe that this is all unnecessary and that Democrats can win the presidency without carrying a single state of the South.
D.B. says, “Don’t bet the double-wide on it.”
We can’t even win in our previous strongholds. We need to win somewhere so here’s how to guarantee a Southern victory for BMI in the next general election. D.B. thinks “She’ll run through Dixie like a tornado through a trailer park.”
In order to reclaim the land of cotton, any who live down there must hereafter forego a run for national office. Those plow pilots are smarter than we gave them credit for because they now refuse to turn over the keys to the White House to one of their own. Al Bob “Ditto on the losing thing” Gore, and John Bob “Is that an ambulance siren?” Edwards proved that. Their astounding lack of success among the people who know them best is only a “slight hitch in our giddy-up” because we now have a less well-coiffed but even shiftier candidate.
BMI, NOW’s unanimous selection as the smartest woman in America, identified the dangers of the Deep South before any of us and moved from Arkansas to New York as part of her master plan to escape her past and defeat the Republicans.
D.B. predicts “She’ll run over them like a big wheel through a cotton field” because she’s “hotter than a Laredo parking lot.”
Even though BMI has fled the South and its culture of mandatory marriage within two degrees of consanguinity I, for one, have whole-heartedly embraced it. After tucking me in, D.B. spent several nights reading to me from a couple of Tennessee Williams plays--- and part of a William Faulkner bloviation which put us both to sleep. We also watched several week-ends of NASCAR action and attended a Monster Truck event. Then we rented some movies,mostly based on Pat Conroy and John Grisham novels, and snuggled in with microwave popcorn, Moon Pies, and a cooler full of RC Colas for a marathon “Understanding the South” film fest. The banjo picking in Deliverance was very entertaining. Plus, I learned how to make those Republicans squeal like pigs! During our movie breaks we even tuned in to FOX News occasionally
And speaking of FOX, the Mexican President is helping our cause by pointing out the advantages of importing dark-hued Democrat-leaning laborers from our Southern neighbor. Not having to accept employment will allow our main even darker-hued core constituency group freedom from the workplace so they have more time to campaign for a larger Democrat sponsored public trough from which to dine; something they know that despicable Republican president won’t allow.
As an example of the votes we should be reaping, according to the Federation for American Immigration Reform group there are over 1,200,000 undocumented immigrants in Texas; 100,000 in Virginia; 206,000 in North Carolina; 228,000 in Georgia; 350,000 in Florida; and hundreds of thousands more throughout the rest of the South. They’re overwhelmingly Democrat leaning voters my friends! Potential huge margins of victory for our candidates! Before it’s too late, get them to the appropriate state DMV so they can obtain a document allowing them to both drive legally and register to vote! Some of you are as brain dead as those Republicans.
President Fox is also helping solidify our support among Southern businessmen; especially chicken ranchers, onion growers, and construction company owners. Just look on www.amren.com/mexguide/mexguide.html to see the migrant guide comic book prepared by the Mexican government to assist semi-literate border crossers get to their new jobsites and polling places.
In addition to my amigo Vicente there are others eager to assist.
My wife, Dr. Judith Bob Steinberg, says she’ll be happy to spread the word during a few of the county fair corn on the cob eating competitions she intends to win. She might even judge a tractor pull or two so she’ll have microphone access.
Teresa Bob Heinz-Kerry offered to deliver our message in quasi-French to the Cajun-American pirogue polers in Louisiana, and to “suck the head” when necessary.
One-time popular vote winner Al Bob Gore volunteered to man the kissing booth at several Tennessee suburban NEA/PTA school fund-raisers. Tipper advised keeping the price low.
Reverend Al Bob Sharpton will contribute 90% of everything he earns from rehashing his Saturday Night Live dance routine at various rallies around the country. 10% stays with the Lord. Not Mr. Soros, the other Lord.
And Reverend Jesse Bob Jackson will give us the same deal on whatever he extorts from President Fox as a sign of good will and apology for his recent unfortunate choice of words.
By the way, speaking of good will, the refreshments today are courtesy of Vicente and the Coca-Cola Bottling Plant in Monterrey, Mexico. Don’t panic, the ice is courtesy of the Holiday Inn here in Tuscaloosa. We're pretty sure you can drink Alabama water.
But back to earning votes. In Florida, we’re working on legislation that will allow us to accompany those feebs into the voting booth to assist with the complicated process of shoving a pointed object though a piece of paper. Those missing links, who D.B. says would “give an aspirin a headache” make Bush look like a Pulitzer Prize nominee. We can use those evolutionary dead-ends to malign the morality of the Republicans and “beat them like a rented mule.”
I stand by my earlier statement that I hate those mean Republicans and all they stand for but it’s time to strike a more positive note in our dealings with the Party of Numerous Overwhelming Victories. They’ve been more successful at peddling their soft soap than an Amway Double Diamond Distributor, and they’ve spread their message faster than a Jehovah’s Witness on a thermos of triple lattes and a fist full of amphetamines.
To help out, Mr. George “I am not a criminal” Soros has offered MoveOn.org funds to the Conscience of the Senate, Ramblin’ Bob Bob Byrd, if he’ll can his psychotic babblings linking the President to the tactics used by Hitler. Instead, and more in tune with our future Southern constituency as I understand it, Bob Bob has agreed to dust off his Kleagle Kredentials. On his infrequent visits to the few regions of West Virginia that haven’t yet been turned into gaping strip mines he’ll encourage the beige rabid Reds to follow him and vote their true Blue and White feelings.
As for the food stamp-dependent vote, we’ll do as we’ve always done and seduce them with more empty promises, tobacco products, and cheap booze. And a choice of potted meat or SPAM sandwiches and Cherry Kool-Aid outside all polling places.
For Vicente’s officially designated lowest of the low laborers we’ll offer an alternative enticement of bean tacos and tequila.
Regarding booze and nicotine, a recent USA Today survey shows that alcohol consumption in the South is down while tobacco use is up. The decline in election day drunkenness may partially explain why we’re doing so poorly down there but we may still be able to fog the minds of those ex-moonshine swillers by promoting dizziness through excessive smoking, chewing, and dipping.
We can also use tobacco addiction to add to the dead voter pool if we’re truly dedicated to winning. As a real doctor I can assure you there is a link between tobacco use and death. We learned the value of deceased ballot casters in “Landslide Lyndon’s” Texas and during the three centuries of the Richard Daley Chicago reign, but that resource fell into disuse so I’m now reviving the Dead Voter Initiative. We’ll follow the current Washington State model. We’ve liberalized voter registration to the point that you no longer need to be breathing in order to vote for the Democrat of your choice. Just ask Christine Bob Gregoire.
Also overlooked are convicted felons. Statistics show that a majority of them support our party and when allowed to, vote overwhelmingly for our candidates. BMI, Senator Barbara Bob Boxer (the woman who shaves with her eyes closed because she scares even herself), and the well-manicured and immaculately razor-styled John Bob “She’ll flip-flop on sucking the head” Kerry need our support to pass legislation allowing these victims of Republican oppression to vote.
Almost as important are the NASCAR Dogpatch people. We’ll attract them with a driver who lives up to our party’s performance record. One who shows up for every race but seldom wins. One who circles the track “like a three-legged armadillo.” We’ll sponsor him and paint our slogan on his car. As a perpetual loser he’ll drive slower, thereby giving the mouth breathers more time to read our message. “Mean Ol’ Republicans Suck” will be most easily understood by those goobers.
Then we’ll lock in all that squirrel bait by promising to change regulations to provide free government-sponsored mobile home insurance which provides double payment, no deductible, no questions asked settlements on all trailer house losses, including suspicious arsons, and complete thefts.
I’ve also outsourced a massive donor appreciation job to Mexico. Future Minuteman eluders will churn out beautiful paintings on black velvet to be distributed to U.S. Southerners who give the DNC either $500 in cash or food stamps or half their annual non-welfare income, whichever is greater.
President Fox explained to me that in order to do business with the powerful Mexican Black Velvet Painters Union that I was required to buy something called a “mordida”.
Their quaint custom is to have you wrap the a wad of unmarked, non-sequentially numbered large denomination U.S. currency bills in corn shucks so they look like tamales and then pass them under the table while sharing tequila shots in a dark corner of a small town cantina. I’m always ready to display my cultural sensitivity and respect for unions everywhere.
I never actually saw the “mordida” I purchased but it was probably too bulky to carry back on the plane anyway. Thinking back on it, except for the corn shucks it was almost exactly the way many of us gather campaign contributions from our Hollywood supporters.
But back to the other South. Party donors will receive a framed sofa-size velvet art treasure depicting BMI, Richard Petty, the ghost of Bear Bryant, Lassie, the reincarnation of Fat Elvis, and what’s left of Willie Nelson smoking cheap cigars and playing poker.
An alternate version shows BMI dealing off the bottom of the deck to the Reverend Al Bob Sharpton, Senator Barack Bob Obama Lama Ding Dong, Ole Yeller, 50 Cent, and Donna “I can’t believe we lost to that idiot white boy” Brazile while not inhaling wacky weed.
As an almost honors graduate of the Albert Einstein School of Medicine and Big Rig Driving, and a participant in numerous Sam Carnegie workshops, you can see I completely understand the wants and needs of both Southern camps; the intellectual elite, which, as D.B. says is “thinner than turnip soup”, and the huge Deliverance crowd.
Finally, we can’t ignore the Southern Jewish bloc. The Bushites stole only 24% of the Israelite vote in the last heist. Under the Dead Voter Initiative that leaves 137% for us in the next election.
Jewish mystery writer/country music semi-star/Cuban cigar smoker Kinky Friedman is now petitioning for a ballot spot as a candidate for the office of Governor of Texas. He may stump the State with his band, The Texas Jewboys. If so, we need to help out by sending in the hilarious best selling author/radio talk show host/USO tagalong Al “Lone Star Shecky” Franken as his opening act.
Though Kinky claims to be an Independent, anybody loony enough to promise to appoint Willie Nelson as “bio-diesel fuel development director” has to be one of us. At least he’s not a Republican.
Willie might be not be much of an asset to the campaign since Texas Democrats can’t even pass a bill to name a thirty-mile toll road after the infamous Opie Kucinich fund-raiser and tax-evader but at least competence won’t be an issue since Kinky’s campaign slogan is “How Hard Could It Be?”
And as the candidate himself says “Friedman’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” That more or less sums it all up. Under my talented predecessor we lost the House and Senate in 2002 and followed up by again losing the House and Senate as well as the White House in 2004. In addition, since I took over as head of the DNC contributions have dropped like a turd in a two-story outhouse.
Kinky’s right; there’s nothing left to lose.
But for now, let’s implement this plan with our usual Democrat efficiency and solidarity and prove that even in the face of the hard cold facts, “Dirty Harry” is right. We’re not the losers---Bush is!
As I’ve always shrieked---“How Hard Could It Be?”
Deep Eustachian Tube
Totally-in-the-Dark, D.C.
=======================================================================================
=======================================================================================
Howlin’ Howie Bob’s Southern Strategy
(I get by with a little ayuda from my friends)
Welcome, Mr. Soros, El Presidente Fox, and you other lesser but semi-equal Democrats, to the Tuscaloosa Holiday Inn. This is my inaugural presentation to the Howard Bob Dean DNC Southern Strategy Brain Trust. Mr. Soros approved and paid for this meeting so I can explain how we Democrats can once again become the dominant party in the Deep South and recapture the White House.
As my media advisor and fact checker Dan Bob Rather explained about our recent dismal failures in that region, “We don’t know whether to wind our watches or to bark at the moon.” After that incident during the primaries I’m concentrating on watch winding.
But more important than keeping correct time are empathy and acceptance. That’s why every true Democrat will, like me, immediately change his middle name to Bob. Wives too. There are exceptions.
The political chameleon formerly known as Hillary will hereafter be known as Big Mama Ice. Teddy will retain his hard-earned sobriquet of “Senator SEAL” and Senate Minority Leader Reid will continue his character assassinations in the guise of “Dirty Harry”, regardless of the snickers it evokes. Party hero Michael Moore will obviously continue to be known as “Stinky” and Dennis Kucinich will, equally obviously, answer to “Opie.” Southern voters will love us for embracing their culture.
John Bob “I can’t believe I lost to that idiot” Kerry does believe that this is all unnecessary and that Democrats can win the presidency without carrying a single state of the South.
D.B. says, “Don’t bet the double-wide on it.”
We can’t even win in our previous strongholds. We need to win somewhere so here’s how to guarantee a Southern victory for BMI in the next general election. D.B. thinks “She’ll run through Dixie like a tornado through a trailer park.”
In order to reclaim the land of cotton, any who live down there must hereafter forego a run for national office. Those plow pilots are smarter than we gave them credit for because they now refuse to turn over the keys to the White House to one of their own. Al Bob “Ditto on the losing thing” Gore, and John Bob “Is that an ambulance siren?” Edwards proved that. Their astounding lack of success among the people who know them best is only a “slight hitch in our giddy-up” because we now have a less well-coiffed but even shiftier candidate.
BMI, NOW’s unanimous selection as the smartest woman in America, identified the dangers of the Deep South before any of us and moved from Arkansas to New York as part of her master plan to escape her past and defeat the Republicans.
D.B. predicts “She’ll run over them like a big wheel through a cotton field” because she’s “hotter than a Laredo parking lot.”
Even though BMI has fled the South and its culture of mandatory marriage within two degrees of consanguinity I, for one, have whole-heartedly embraced it. After tucking me in, D.B. spent several nights reading to me from a couple of Tennessee Williams plays--- and part of a William Faulkner bloviation which put us both to sleep. We also watched several week-ends of NASCAR action and attended a Monster Truck event. Then we rented some movies,mostly based on Pat Conroy and John Grisham novels, and snuggled in with microwave popcorn, Moon Pies, and a cooler full of RC Colas for a marathon “Understanding the South” film fest. The banjo picking in Deliverance was very entertaining. Plus, I learned how to make those Republicans squeal like pigs! During our movie breaks we even tuned in to FOX News occasionally
And speaking of FOX, the Mexican President is helping our cause by pointing out the advantages of importing dark-hued Democrat-leaning laborers from our Southern neighbor. Not having to accept employment will allow our main even darker-hued core constituency group freedom from the workplace so they have more time to campaign for a larger Democrat sponsored public trough from which to dine; something they know that despicable Republican president won’t allow.
As an example of the votes we should be reaping, according to the Federation for American Immigration Reform group there are over 1,200,000 undocumented immigrants in Texas; 100,000 in Virginia; 206,000 in North Carolina; 228,000 in Georgia; 350,000 in Florida; and hundreds of thousands more throughout the rest of the South. They’re overwhelmingly Democrat leaning voters my friends! Potential huge margins of victory for our candidates! Before it’s too late, get them to the appropriate state DMV so they can obtain a document allowing them to both drive legally and register to vote! Some of you are as brain dead as those Republicans.
President Fox is also helping solidify our support among Southern businessmen; especially chicken ranchers, onion growers, and construction company owners. Just look on www.amren.com/mexguide/mexguide.html to see the migrant guide comic book prepared by the Mexican government to assist semi-literate border crossers get to their new jobsites and polling places.
In addition to my amigo Vicente there are others eager to assist.
My wife, Dr. Judith Bob Steinberg, says she’ll be happy to spread the word during a few of the county fair corn on the cob eating competitions she intends to win. She might even judge a tractor pull or two so she’ll have microphone access.
Teresa Bob Heinz-Kerry offered to deliver our message in quasi-French to the Cajun-American pirogue polers in Louisiana, and to “suck the head” when necessary.
One-time popular vote winner Al Bob Gore volunteered to man the kissing booth at several Tennessee suburban NEA/PTA school fund-raisers. Tipper advised keeping the price low.
Reverend Al Bob Sharpton will contribute 90% of everything he earns from rehashing his Saturday Night Live dance routine at various rallies around the country. 10% stays with the Lord. Not Mr. Soros, the other Lord.
And Reverend Jesse Bob Jackson will give us the same deal on whatever he extorts from President Fox as a sign of good will and apology for his recent unfortunate choice of words.
By the way, speaking of good will, the refreshments today are courtesy of Vicente and the Coca-Cola Bottling Plant in Monterrey, Mexico. Don’t panic, the ice is courtesy of the Holiday Inn here in Tuscaloosa. We're pretty sure you can drink Alabama water.
But back to earning votes. In Florida, we’re working on legislation that will allow us to accompany those feebs into the voting booth to assist with the complicated process of shoving a pointed object though a piece of paper. Those missing links, who D.B. says would “give an aspirin a headache” make Bush look like a Pulitzer Prize nominee. We can use those evolutionary dead-ends to malign the morality of the Republicans and “beat them like a rented mule.”
I stand by my earlier statement that I hate those mean Republicans and all they stand for but it’s time to strike a more positive note in our dealings with the Party of Numerous Overwhelming Victories. They’ve been more successful at peddling their soft soap than an Amway Double Diamond Distributor, and they’ve spread their message faster than a Jehovah’s Witness on a thermos of triple lattes and a fist full of amphetamines.
To help out, Mr. George “I am not a criminal” Soros has offered MoveOn.org funds to the Conscience of the Senate, Ramblin’ Bob Bob Byrd, if he’ll can his psychotic babblings linking the President to the tactics used by Hitler. Instead, and more in tune with our future Southern constituency as I understand it, Bob Bob has agreed to dust off his Kleagle Kredentials. On his infrequent visits to the few regions of West Virginia that haven’t yet been turned into gaping strip mines he’ll encourage the beige rabid Reds to follow him and vote their true Blue and White feelings.
As for the food stamp-dependent vote, we’ll do as we’ve always done and seduce them with more empty promises, tobacco products, and cheap booze. And a choice of potted meat or SPAM sandwiches and Cherry Kool-Aid outside all polling places.
For Vicente’s officially designated lowest of the low laborers we’ll offer an alternative enticement of bean tacos and tequila.
Regarding booze and nicotine, a recent USA Today survey shows that alcohol consumption in the South is down while tobacco use is up. The decline in election day drunkenness may partially explain why we’re doing so poorly down there but we may still be able to fog the minds of those ex-moonshine swillers by promoting dizziness through excessive smoking, chewing, and dipping.
We can also use tobacco addiction to add to the dead voter pool if we’re truly dedicated to winning. As a real doctor I can assure you there is a link between tobacco use and death. We learned the value of deceased ballot casters in “Landslide Lyndon’s” Texas and during the three centuries of the Richard Daley Chicago reign, but that resource fell into disuse so I’m now reviving the Dead Voter Initiative. We’ll follow the current Washington State model. We’ve liberalized voter registration to the point that you no longer need to be breathing in order to vote for the Democrat of your choice. Just ask Christine Bob Gregoire.
Also overlooked are convicted felons. Statistics show that a majority of them support our party and when allowed to, vote overwhelmingly for our candidates. BMI, Senator Barbara Bob Boxer (the woman who shaves with her eyes closed because she scares even herself), and the well-manicured and immaculately razor-styled John Bob “She’ll flip-flop on sucking the head” Kerry need our support to pass legislation allowing these victims of Republican oppression to vote.
Almost as important are the NASCAR Dogpatch people. We’ll attract them with a driver who lives up to our party’s performance record. One who shows up for every race but seldom wins. One who circles the track “like a three-legged armadillo.” We’ll sponsor him and paint our slogan on his car. As a perpetual loser he’ll drive slower, thereby giving the mouth breathers more time to read our message. “Mean Ol’ Republicans Suck” will be most easily understood by those goobers.
Then we’ll lock in all that squirrel bait by promising to change regulations to provide free government-sponsored mobile home insurance which provides double payment, no deductible, no questions asked settlements on all trailer house losses, including suspicious arsons, and complete thefts.
I’ve also outsourced a massive donor appreciation job to Mexico. Future Minuteman eluders will churn out beautiful paintings on black velvet to be distributed to U.S. Southerners who give the DNC either $500 in cash or food stamps or half their annual non-welfare income, whichever is greater.
President Fox explained to me that in order to do business with the powerful Mexican Black Velvet Painters Union that I was required to buy something called a “mordida”.
Their quaint custom is to have you wrap the a wad of unmarked, non-sequentially numbered large denomination U.S. currency bills in corn shucks so they look like tamales and then pass them under the table while sharing tequila shots in a dark corner of a small town cantina. I’m always ready to display my cultural sensitivity and respect for unions everywhere.
I never actually saw the “mordida” I purchased but it was probably too bulky to carry back on the plane anyway. Thinking back on it, except for the corn shucks it was almost exactly the way many of us gather campaign contributions from our Hollywood supporters.
But back to the other South. Party donors will receive a framed sofa-size velvet art treasure depicting BMI, Richard Petty, the ghost of Bear Bryant, Lassie, the reincarnation of Fat Elvis, and what’s left of Willie Nelson smoking cheap cigars and playing poker.
An alternate version shows BMI dealing off the bottom of the deck to the Reverend Al Bob Sharpton, Senator Barack Bob Obama Lama Ding Dong, Ole Yeller, 50 Cent, and Donna “I can’t believe we lost to that idiot white boy” Brazile while not inhaling wacky weed.
As an almost honors graduate of the Albert Einstein School of Medicine and Big Rig Driving, and a participant in numerous Sam Carnegie workshops, you can see I completely understand the wants and needs of both Southern camps; the intellectual elite, which, as D.B. says is “thinner than turnip soup”, and the huge Deliverance crowd.
Finally, we can’t ignore the Southern Jewish bloc. The Bushites stole only 24% of the Israelite vote in the last heist. Under the Dead Voter Initiative that leaves 137% for us in the next election.
Jewish mystery writer/country music semi-star/Cuban cigar smoker Kinky Friedman is now petitioning for a ballot spot as a candidate for the office of Governor of Texas. He may stump the State with his band, The Texas Jewboys. If so, we need to help out by sending in the hilarious best selling author/radio talk show host/USO tagalong Al “Lone Star Shecky” Franken as his opening act.
Though Kinky claims to be an Independent, anybody loony enough to promise to appoint Willie Nelson as “bio-diesel fuel development director” has to be one of us. At least he’s not a Republican.
Willie might be not be much of an asset to the campaign since Texas Democrats can’t even pass a bill to name a thirty-mile toll road after the infamous Opie Kucinich fund-raiser and tax-evader but at least competence won’t be an issue since Kinky’s campaign slogan is “How Hard Could It Be?”
And as the candidate himself says “Friedman’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” That more or less sums it all up. Under my talented predecessor we lost the House and Senate in 2002 and followed up by again losing the House and Senate as well as the White House in 2004. In addition, since I took over as head of the DNC contributions have dropped like a turd in a two-story outhouse.
Kinky’s right; there’s nothing left to lose.
But for now, let’s implement this plan with our usual Democrat efficiency and solidarity and prove that even in the face of the hard cold facts, “Dirty Harry” is right. We’re not the losers---Bush is!
As I’ve always shrieked---“How Hard Could It Be?”