A Letter to the School
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Dear Elementary School Staff,
I am writing this letter to explain the reason for my son's absence from school today. I have kept him home due to a disturbing home accident that took place this morning.
At ten til 8, my husband poured himself a bowl of Coca Puffs. He added milk and returned the milk carton to the refrigerator. Because he was in a hurry, he shut the fridge door hard and fast and began to walk to the dining room to eat his cereal.
A bottle of Raspberry Pucker was sitting on top of the fridge along with several other large bottles of alcohol. The slamming door jostled the Pucker, which was a bit too close to the edge.
The Raspberry Pucker fell rapidly and crashed down on the kitchen counter, showering copious amounts of fruity alcohol and glass chunks and slivers all over the kitchen.
My husband, still standing nearby, yelled an expletive shortly after I heard the sound of breaking glass.
I ran into the kitchen to make sure he was OK, and found him standing midst the carnage, with his BDUs drenched in liquor.
He sat his cereal down on the counter and began picking up the large pieces of glass as I attempted to find words to describe my utter shock at the dripping red mess that was my kitchen. I exasperatedly told my husband not to worry about the mess because he needed to get to work.
My husband called his platoon sergeant to let him know that he might be a little late because he had broken a bottle of alcohol all over the kitchen and his pants were pink and he reeked of liquor.
While my husband was changing, I began cleaning the floor, about three fourths of which was oozing with the syrupy liquid. I felt certain that the Pucker would stain the floor and counter tops, and I could picture us having to pay the Army thousands of dollars to have the kitchen redone. However, I discovered that Mr. Clean Antibacterial Multi-purpose cleaner and a green scouring pad removed the stains when coupled with a large amount of arm strength.
I was most concerned about the counter tops being stained, but could not get to them due to the Pucker River that spanned the distance from the kitchen entrance to the counters.
I sprayed a tile with cleaner, then scrubbed hard with the green pad, then used Scooby Doo paper towels to wipe up the alcohol and cleaner. I repeated this dozens of times as I got closer to the rest of the mess.
My husband left for work, and I looked at the clock and noticed that it was time for my child to leave for school. As you know, children under ten are not allowed to walk to school without an adult, and I was unable to leave the kitchen for fear that the Pucker would seep into the various surfaces while I was gone.
When I finally got most of the liquor off the floor, I was able to begin working on the counter tops. I had to move the toaster (covered in liquor), the griddle (covered in liquor), and the soda boxes (covered in liquor). I placed them on the stove top, which then became covered in liquor.
Luckily, the technique I used on the floor also worked on the counter tops. However, as I cleaned them, I noticed that there was a bit of spattering on the wall between the refrigerator and the counters. I looked down and discovered that the side of the fridge was dripping with liquor, as was the wooden side to the counter/drawers, and the floor between the two held puddles of Pucker.
The space between the fridge and the counter/drawers is only marginally larger than the width of my arm. I was able to remove about 70% of the liquor, but not without cutting my arm on something back there.
Cleaning the side of the fridge, I noticed that the handle and seal on the fridge were also doused in liquor. I cleaned this off.
I began to clean the toaster (which now has a permanently pink cord) and griddle and put them back in their places on the counter. The soda boxes were soggy so I took the sodas out to put them in the fridge.
When I opened the fridge, I noticed that the inside of the fridge was also splattered with vast amounts of Pucker.
I cleaned this up and put the sodas inside.
When I closed the fridge door, I discovered that the entire time I had the fridge door open, liquor had been dripping back onto the floor.
I got on my hands and knees yet again and cleaned the floor.
While on the floor, I noticed that the bottom portion of the dishwasher and the oven were splashed with Pucker. During my time on the floor cleaning the major appliances, I discovered that all four drawers nearest to the fridge were covered in liquor.
I walked over the drawers and began spraying and scrubbing and wiping. I opened up each drawer and found a puddle of Pucker inside each. The plastic baggies, the coupons, the batteries, the beaters, the thing that I cook bacon on...all covered in alcohol.
I walked over to the trash can to throw away the Pucker-encrusted baggies. As I walked back to the drawers, I looked down at the floor and realized that I had cut my toe and had left a trail of bloody toe prints all over the floor.
I sent my son to fetch me a band aid, and I began cleaning the floor yet again.
A few minutes later I returned to the drawers and finished cleaning the insides and shut each one. On the floor, underneath where the drawers had been opened, was splashes of red alcohol.
I cleaned the floor again.
There are still drops of liquor here and there, but I was pretty sure I had picked up all the glass shards and prevented any major staining.
At that point, I looked up at the clock and realized that there was no way in hell that I could get my child to school on time, and even if I did, I was so disgruntled that any interaction with other human beings would drive me to violence.
So please excuse my son's absence, and if he smells like alcohol tomorrow, don't bother sending him home to change. He's going to smell that way for a while.
Sincerely,
Texas Wahine
I am writing this letter to explain the reason for my son's absence from school today. I have kept him home due to a disturbing home accident that took place this morning.
At ten til 8, my husband poured himself a bowl of Coca Puffs. He added milk and returned the milk carton to the refrigerator. Because he was in a hurry, he shut the fridge door hard and fast and began to walk to the dining room to eat his cereal.
A bottle of Raspberry Pucker was sitting on top of the fridge along with several other large bottles of alcohol. The slamming door jostled the Pucker, which was a bit too close to the edge.
The Raspberry Pucker fell rapidly and crashed down on the kitchen counter, showering copious amounts of fruity alcohol and glass chunks and slivers all over the kitchen.
My husband, still standing nearby, yelled an expletive shortly after I heard the sound of breaking glass.
I ran into the kitchen to make sure he was OK, and found him standing midst the carnage, with his BDUs drenched in liquor.
He sat his cereal down on the counter and began picking up the large pieces of glass as I attempted to find words to describe my utter shock at the dripping red mess that was my kitchen. I exasperatedly told my husband not to worry about the mess because he needed to get to work.
My husband called his platoon sergeant to let him know that he might be a little late because he had broken a bottle of alcohol all over the kitchen and his pants were pink and he reeked of liquor.
While my husband was changing, I began cleaning the floor, about three fourths of which was oozing with the syrupy liquid. I felt certain that the Pucker would stain the floor and counter tops, and I could picture us having to pay the Army thousands of dollars to have the kitchen redone. However, I discovered that Mr. Clean Antibacterial Multi-purpose cleaner and a green scouring pad removed the stains when coupled with a large amount of arm strength.
I was most concerned about the counter tops being stained, but could not get to them due to the Pucker River that spanned the distance from the kitchen entrance to the counters.
I sprayed a tile with cleaner, then scrubbed hard with the green pad, then used Scooby Doo paper towels to wipe up the alcohol and cleaner. I repeated this dozens of times as I got closer to the rest of the mess.
My husband left for work, and I looked at the clock and noticed that it was time for my child to leave for school. As you know, children under ten are not allowed to walk to school without an adult, and I was unable to leave the kitchen for fear that the Pucker would seep into the various surfaces while I was gone.
When I finally got most of the liquor off the floor, I was able to begin working on the counter tops. I had to move the toaster (covered in liquor), the griddle (covered in liquor), and the soda boxes (covered in liquor). I placed them on the stove top, which then became covered in liquor.
Luckily, the technique I used on the floor also worked on the counter tops. However, as I cleaned them, I noticed that there was a bit of spattering on the wall between the refrigerator and the counters. I looked down and discovered that the side of the fridge was dripping with liquor, as was the wooden side to the counter/drawers, and the floor between the two held puddles of Pucker.
The space between the fridge and the counter/drawers is only marginally larger than the width of my arm. I was able to remove about 70% of the liquor, but not without cutting my arm on something back there.
Cleaning the side of the fridge, I noticed that the handle and seal on the fridge were also doused in liquor. I cleaned this off.
I began to clean the toaster (which now has a permanently pink cord) and griddle and put them back in their places on the counter. The soda boxes were soggy so I took the sodas out to put them in the fridge.
When I opened the fridge, I noticed that the inside of the fridge was also splattered with vast amounts of Pucker.
I cleaned this up and put the sodas inside.
When I closed the fridge door, I discovered that the entire time I had the fridge door open, liquor had been dripping back onto the floor.
I got on my hands and knees yet again and cleaned the floor.
While on the floor, I noticed that the bottom portion of the dishwasher and the oven were splashed with Pucker. During my time on the floor cleaning the major appliances, I discovered that all four drawers nearest to the fridge were covered in liquor.
I walked over the drawers and began spraying and scrubbing and wiping. I opened up each drawer and found a puddle of Pucker inside each. The plastic baggies, the coupons, the batteries, the beaters, the thing that I cook bacon on...all covered in alcohol.
I walked over to the trash can to throw away the Pucker-encrusted baggies. As I walked back to the drawers, I looked down at the floor and realized that I had cut my toe and had left a trail of bloody toe prints all over the floor.
I sent my son to fetch me a band aid, and I began cleaning the floor yet again.
A few minutes later I returned to the drawers and finished cleaning the insides and shut each one. On the floor, underneath where the drawers had been opened, was splashes of red alcohol.
I cleaned the floor again.
There are still drops of liquor here and there, but I was pretty sure I had picked up all the glass shards and prevented any major staining.
At that point, I looked up at the clock and realized that there was no way in hell that I could get my child to school on time, and even if I did, I was so disgruntled that any interaction with other human beings would drive me to violence.
So please excuse my son's absence, and if he smells like alcohol tomorrow, don't bother sending him home to change. He's going to smell that way for a while.
Sincerely,
Texas Wahine
Hopefully the school peoples will be understanding as well.
