I found myself thinking tonight about the time that I lost my virginity. I'm trying to remember all the thoughts I had about virginity as a child, as little as I knew about it. I knew it was supposed to be special, and I wanted it to be with candle light, an amazing song in the background, with someone that I knew really cared about me.

It was almost three years ago, in my room, with my boyfriend of about, huh, one month. Now that I think of it, it wasn't one month, it was much less, but we had been seeing each other for that long. He had a girlfriend when I met him. I thought he was cute, but didn't want to get into the middle of it. Neither of us put the moves on each other the first night... We just had fun, and all that good stuff. You know, the funny thing is, I don't remember how anything else happened! I mean, I don't remember how we got together, AT ALL. Not even kind of (that's for you, Rae!). It's all a haze, really. Perhaps that's a good thing. Can't look back at it romantically at all.

I do remember the night we had sex, though. He always went to my house. One night, it was my uncle's 40th birthday, and my mom went to his party at some place or other. My dad at that point worked afternoons, so he wouldn't be home until 10:30 or so, and this was... Jeez, seven or eight o'clock? (Like I said before, I'm glad this is all a vague recollection.) And yet again, I don't recall how we came around to it. He had a condom, and I was ready. I really liked him a lot, he was nice, funny, flattering, I would tell him things, and he would remember, and buy me little things and give me little things, like my stereo remote went dead and he bought me batteries, which isn't romantic, but it was kinda cute, since I'd never thought about it... So before I knew it, we were having sex. It was painful. I didn't know when my mom was coming home, so I spent the entire time in the darkness listening very carefully for the door, or to hear the dog bark, or some sign. And making the worst faces ever; thank God it was dark and he couldn't see me! I was practically crying, it hurt so bad! We continually listened to the song Butterfly by Crazytown because the songs after were songs that had been his and his (supposedly) ex girlfriend's. And after those songs was Survivor by DC, and that's not a good first time virginity song! And then, after God knows how much torture, he was done, and we were both pretty nervous about my mom coming home. He brushed my messed up hair, we held hands, cuddled, all that kid stuff, and my mom came home pretty soon after. I gave him a ride back to his house that night, heard Train's Drops Of Jupiter on the radio, a song that I just LOVED, and drove home in my dad's Tahoe joyfully. I thought about how much I cared about him, how special the night had been, how I was so glad that I found someone so good to me, and all the fun times we had, driving around in his red Chevy Corsica (oooh, the devil car! But I won't get into THAT), and all that great stuff. I tried not to think about the pain. It was wonderful, really!

Until the very next morning. He called me on the phone, told me not to call him anymore, because his girlfriend would find out about me. Girlfriend? WHAT? I'd heard they had broken up weeks earlier! I felt like scum below scum, depressed as hell, used, dirty, gross, all that stuff. I was crushed. And that was my loss of virginity. It didn't feel good AT ALL, it caused me both physical and emotional pain, I'd been lied to repeatedly. This was my second taste of "love." And then my friend Joe told me the "lovely" red Corsica he'd been driving me around in was his GIRLFRIEND'S. He had used his girlfriend's car to drive me, his second girlfriend, around. He used her car to cheat on her! He lived at least 20 miles from me, and without her car, he wouldn't be able to see me.

What a jerk!

That was my virginity story.

I wonder, has ANYONE had a special first time? I mean, all I ever hear are these horror stories, where the pain was so bad, or they were drunk and hardly knew the guy, or he was a total asshole, all these terrible stories. Why isn't losing your virginity like it was in Love and Basketball? I know the statement "no pain, no gain" means a hell of a lot, but seriously. Why can't it be romantic? Special? Meaningful? And why do you have to BLEED??!?!?! Augh. It just doesn't make sense.

And it means less to guys, too. Maybe that's why it sucks so bad for girls, the guys just think, Man! I'm gonna score! And the girls are like, oh, one of my dreams is coming true! It's going to be wonderful! I'm going to experience something wonderful with a guy who really cares about me, and really wants me as a person, and not just a fuck.

Pshaw. It sucked, that's all.

So here's my list of why NOT to lose your virginity, for all you damned doe-eyed, fresh, dream-filled young girls who think it's going to be the best experience of your life.
1) It hurts, REALLY bad, and don't let anyone tell you it doesn't. They DO have to fit that inside you. And that's the truth.
2)Guys just don't view sex the same as you do now, when you think it's something special and meaningful. Let's say you've heard about a million times that getting a tattoo is a really great rush, and it doesn't hurt, and it looks cool, so you decide to get a tattoo of say, your favorite band name on your stomach. So you go in, show him the design, and pretty soon, you find you're sitting there for an hour, in the worst pain you've ever felt! And then when it's over, you might like it for a while, but then as you get older, you look at the tattoo, and it doesn't take long for you to realize that maybe getting a tattoo of Creed wasn't such a good idea after all. And you're going to have to live with that stupid, rash decision for the rest of your life.
3)It either A) lasts WAY too long, and kills you, or takes about two minutes, and it kills you, but not as much as it would had it lasted an hour, and then you get to feel the SAME pain the NEXT five, ten times it takes him two and a half minutes!
4)It's not going to automatically feel good, and a LOT of girls don't have orgasms. I had sex with one guy for almost 8? months, and didn't enjoy it ONCE. It isn't as easy as it is on TV.

There's a million other moral reasons, like, God, the bible, your parents, ect, but none of that matters as much as the above.

It sure wasn't worth it, for me.