*sigh*

Rant ahead

from JoeUser Forums
I'm trying. I'm trying but i feel i cant. I hate myself right now. I cant get myself to do what i know is best for me to do. I so hate it!

I know I have to concentrate on work. Last night I worked till 9.00pm, because i spent the day gazing in the emptiness while paper work piled up on my desk. So i forced myself to get it done that night. I did most of the things i needed to do, but didnt finish. There's not much left, but i feel drained, and just like yesterday i'm on the net, i answer the phone, help out clients but that's it... After all the hard work to get a raise, i feel like it's a 'what for?', I dont have Darren anymore...

I know i'm supposed to let him go, to move on. And i had every intention to do so. But now i have this hope-surge that's tying me tighter to him. Grrrr!!!!!!!! I want to scream, i want to break things! I'm so frustrated with myself. Can't my heart and my head agree once and for all??? Damit

I wish i could just disappear, vanish, fade away, like the cat in Alice in Wonderland.

For some reason, crying doesnt feel good enough. I want to punch the walls, kick the chairs, break the windows, WHATEVER to let it all out, make it go away.

But i'm scared of the emptiness after the chaos. What's gonna happen next, when there's nothing left?

*sigh* once again it's like there's no answer.
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3,948 views 10 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

Heart and head rarely do. It is calledl life.  Sorry for that, but I have no cure.

I guess we have to live it.

Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Heart and head rarely do. It is calledl life. Sorry for that, but I have no cure.

You're right, life is shit though But like you say it:

I guess we have to live it.
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
so why not call up your girlfriends and go out w/ them? you need a distraction girl!

whatever you do, don't go back to him. you can do better.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
But i'm scared of the emptiness after the chaos. What's gonna happen next, when there's nothing left?


When there's nothing left but the emptiness, you just gotta find a way to make peace with it. A tall order, but worth it when you look back. Keep goin' IG!!!!
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Well at the moment i dont feel like seeing anybody, i feel to grumpy to go out. I did it last weekend and i thought i was gonna go mental. I want to lock myself up and stay home. But thanks anyway Imajinit.

When there's nothing left but the emptiness, you just gotta find a way to make peace with it. A tall order, but worth it when you look back. Keep goin' IG!!!!

Find a way to make peace with it, mmmok, i have no idea how to, but that sounds really good, heh. Thanks Shovel, anyone told ya yer the best??? =hugs=
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
What's best and what you want are often two very different things and there's often no way to resolve it. I think the biggest problem in our situations is that we look too short term. If we go back to or stay with these guys it will stop our pain NOW. However, we know that in the future it is going to rear its ugly head once again, and probably be ten times bigger and a lot more scary looking. That thought is very easy to push out of your mind however, as your pain is so immediate and the answer seems so easy.

I reckon hope should have been released from Pandora's box when all the other ills were set on the world. Hope can be wonderful, but hope can also be the ultimate form of torture, tying you to ridiculous situations much longer than you should. It's that thought that given enough time, the right situation, the right words, if you prove yourself then it will all work out.

The thing is, as I said before, he has all the information that he needs about you. You guys know each other pretty well and if he's going to come round then he will do it whether you are with him or not. Show him how much self respect you have by telling him that he is not going to treat you in a substandard way. Tell him that if he wants anything with you then he needs to make that decision and commit to it. Tell him that you're not going to hang around on the off chance that he may want to be with you. Tell him that you have more things to do with your time than deal with him emotional problems. Take control of the situation and make it clear that you are not going to put up with his wishy washy behaviour, his calling you when he wants, his affection which is completely out of line for a 'friendship'. As long as you behave like his lapdog he's going to treat you like one.

Again, having said that, I am only so emphatic due to the fact that I put myself through all that shit. And no one could talk me out of it. But if we're talking about 'in a perfect world' that's what I think you should be doing.

In the meantime... kick, scream, rant, rave, eat too much, get drunk, start kickboxing, go shopping and buy things you don't need, take yourself on a date, go to the movies, dance around naked in your living room.... do anything that makes you happy, if even for a moment. You will slowly begin to see the parts of you that you've forgotten existed peeking through. I promise it will get easier.

Take care,

Suz xxx
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
kick, scream, rant, rave, eat too much, get drunk, start kickboxing, go shopping and buy things you don't need, take yourself on a date, go to the movies, dance around naked in your living room.... do anything that makes you happy, if even for a moment. You will slowly begin to see the parts of you that you've forgotten existed peeking through. I promise it will get easier.


Yeah, what Floozie said!!!! (I was about to tell you to do the same thing!)
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I know you are right Flozzie, that i'm looking at it in a short term kind of perspective. And i know that all you said is true, but i have a hard time convincing myself, i just wish i could get it together and make a final major decision. I think he finally has. I called him yesterday to see if we could rent a movie and watch it at his place and i kept asking for hugs, and he was the one to pull away each time I think he really wants to keep at arm length to avoid the situation we had last time. And i wish i could be that strong but it's like all my defences melt down when he's near.
I feel so... i dont even know if there's words for what i feel.

Thanks foreversernity, i wish i could do all this things and know they would make me feel better, but it's set up in my mind that i wont enjoy them so i dont even bother trying. I'm sure it's gonna be short lived though... Like they say, time will do...
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
hi island_gurl12,

I have been readin your blog for the last couple of days and well i am in tha same boat too. I know it is tough and it hurts so bad, but you will get past all the hurt, I hope I will too.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hi fragile, i'm sorry to hear about your own pain. Wouldnt you want to start your own blog here? It's a good therapy i think, and the responses are helpful, especially when it comes from someone like Floozie who's always right ( ). So 'see' you soon...