Trying to unravel the old fears
Wanting with passion is like wearing blinders
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Wanting and knowing what you want can blind you to the feelings in the hearts of others - if those feelings are in any way contrary to what you want. I have had times in the past where nagging feelings of doubt were the blueprint of events to come. Not doubt in my hopes and dreams, but doubt in how that other one will cooperate and be part of that.
I am experiencing similar doubts now. Weaker and less clear. I will have to think and let things percolate to clarify them. J needs to explore his freedom and his own self now, just when i wish to fill his world and take him into my life. These needs and wishes are at odds. J says what i want is what he wants, but that is only partially true.
He wants the certainty of me in his life romatically. He does not want the obligation of his future and it's direction. At least that is what i am coming to believe. J doesn't even KNOW what he wants in his future. How can he know he wants me? He doesn't in the fullest sense of my being his world. He does in the lesser sense of me being in his life. I think he is agreeing to what i have required of him. I don't think it is what he wants for himself. If i did not require it, it wouldn't be happening, not now, anyway. Therefore, i am forcing him to do something he is not ready for, even tho he says otherwise. I don't think he is where i am, or ready for what i am ready for. However, maybe later...
It isn't something i can undo now. For my own personal reasons, and because the undoing has implications that are just false. So my passionate desire has again created a situation with the seeds of self-destruction built in. Not a very good place to be...
The denoument will likely come crashing down around me within a year or so. Or not. It is always a possibility that the hoped for will happen, rather than the dreaded.
I am experiencing similar doubts now. Weaker and less clear. I will have to think and let things percolate to clarify them. J needs to explore his freedom and his own self now, just when i wish to fill his world and take him into my life. These needs and wishes are at odds. J says what i want is what he wants, but that is only partially true.
He wants the certainty of me in his life romatically. He does not want the obligation of his future and it's direction. At least that is what i am coming to believe. J doesn't even KNOW what he wants in his future. How can he know he wants me? He doesn't in the fullest sense of my being his world. He does in the lesser sense of me being in his life. I think he is agreeing to what i have required of him. I don't think it is what he wants for himself. If i did not require it, it wouldn't be happening, not now, anyway. Therefore, i am forcing him to do something he is not ready for, even tho he says otherwise. I don't think he is where i am, or ready for what i am ready for. However, maybe later...
It isn't something i can undo now. For my own personal reasons, and because the undoing has implications that are just false. So my passionate desire has again created a situation with the seeds of self-destruction built in. Not a very good place to be...
The denoument will likely come crashing down around me within a year or so. Or not. It is always a possibility that the hoped for will happen, rather than the dreaded.