New beginnings and old fears
Many things have happened since i last blogged
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JoeUser Forums
New beginnings and old fears
Many things have happened since i last blogged.
1. Got a new job and started it. It will be fine i think, now that i have been there a week. The coworkers are all female and all kind and high-caliber individuals. I hope i will be able to be an asset to them, and not rub anyone the wrong way with my brashness. I think and have high hopes for this to be a successful longterm situation. If i am able to work here long range, it will be as an asset to the community that i live and work in, which is important to me.
2. Left the old job. I list this separately, since it has it's own issues. I will miss the people i use to work with. They were my friends, and i can honestly say i loved them. It is hard to maintain relationships without that daily contact. I will make the effort to reach out to them every few weeks or so, to keep it going. I will also miss my former boss. I can say i loved her too, but the parting had some sorrow to it. I feel i was subtlely asked to leave, and did so on good terms and to mutual advantage (i hope). But, after 15 years, it is wrenching.
3. Got engaged. I asked him. Actually my daughter did. It is what i want, but this is a sensitive subject. Perhaps i should have waited to see if he did, before Monday, when we leave on the cruise. We had talked and talked about it, and it is no surprise to anyone. However, I have misgivings about it being what he really wants. He is just 3 weeks divorced, and not long separated when we started dated. He "wants a long engagement". What that means to me is that he is going this because i require it, and not because marriage with me is his goal. I will take it because it is what i want. And also because we are vacationing together with my daughter. It would be improper to sleep together in front of her (not literally, but you know what i mean), without being engaged.... at least that is the moral guideline i'm using... which could be interpreted and some weird leverage i used on him to force him into being engaged.
The conjoining that i really want has to be mutual, and i don't think we are there yet. Part of him wants that security, but there are other desires in opposition, and of course, fears too....
I guess this isn't what i had hoped... his wholehearted committment is not there.
So it seems that once again i am taking half-hearted participation with what i truly want as good enough. This has backfired on me before and been painful. If he cannot join together with me joyfully and without reservation, perhaps i should just stop and not push this. I have a tendency to try for what i want so hard that i steam roll those near me into what i want. I think this is one of those cases. Its'a shame that i am doing it again. I hope the result is not so horrible this time as it has been before.
Many things have happened since i last blogged.
1. Got a new job and started it. It will be fine i think, now that i have been there a week. The coworkers are all female and all kind and high-caliber individuals. I hope i will be able to be an asset to them, and not rub anyone the wrong way with my brashness. I think and have high hopes for this to be a successful longterm situation. If i am able to work here long range, it will be as an asset to the community that i live and work in, which is important to me.
2. Left the old job. I list this separately, since it has it's own issues. I will miss the people i use to work with. They were my friends, and i can honestly say i loved them. It is hard to maintain relationships without that daily contact. I will make the effort to reach out to them every few weeks or so, to keep it going. I will also miss my former boss. I can say i loved her too, but the parting had some sorrow to it. I feel i was subtlely asked to leave, and did so on good terms and to mutual advantage (i hope). But, after 15 years, it is wrenching.
3. Got engaged. I asked him. Actually my daughter did. It is what i want, but this is a sensitive subject. Perhaps i should have waited to see if he did, before Monday, when we leave on the cruise. We had talked and talked about it, and it is no surprise to anyone. However, I have misgivings about it being what he really wants. He is just 3 weeks divorced, and not long separated when we started dated. He "wants a long engagement". What that means to me is that he is going this because i require it, and not because marriage with me is his goal. I will take it because it is what i want. And also because we are vacationing together with my daughter. It would be improper to sleep together in front of her (not literally, but you know what i mean), without being engaged.... at least that is the moral guideline i'm using... which could be interpreted and some weird leverage i used on him to force him into being engaged.
The conjoining that i really want has to be mutual, and i don't think we are there yet. Part of him wants that security, but there are other desires in opposition, and of course, fears too....
I guess this isn't what i had hoped... his wholehearted committment is not there.
So it seems that once again i am taking half-hearted participation with what i truly want as good enough. This has backfired on me before and been painful. If he cannot join together with me joyfully and without reservation, perhaps i should just stop and not push this. I have a tendency to try for what i want so hard that i steam roll those near me into what i want. I think this is one of those cases. Its'a shame that i am doing it again. I hope the result is not so horrible this time as it has been before.