Craving Stability
mixed up thoughts of a wandering traveler
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
It happens every year. Change comes knocking at my door, and I get all knotted up on the inside. I fret over things I cannot control, causing all other areas of my life to suffer. Everything seems to get turned upside down, and I start feeling funky. Remaining spiritually connected becomes a huge chore, and I begin to question whether or not I have progressed at all. God seems distant and I become terribly self-centered (not a quality I'm particularly proud of ).
When I look through the "half-glass empty" lenses, this is what I see. Being single allows me to uproot and replant myself anywhere, at anytime. This freedom is both a blessing and a curse. Making life choices as a single person, means bearing the responsibility alone. My distorted way of thinking tells me if I were married, this process would be easier. Relocating and switching jobs would be a shared decision. A burden we both would carry. Yes, I realize the grass always appears greener on the other side. Both lawns require mowing.
Decisions about my career and living conditions plague me. I hate having to play with all the possibilities and never really knowing which options sound best. I spend so much mental energy on the "what if's", and I second guess my every move. Trusting God with the outcome is such a difficult task, because I tend to stay in the driver's seat of my life. I mean after all, "Aren't I the one who signs the contract? Isn't it my name on the lease?" I recognize how dangerous self-managed living can become, yet I continually gravitate towards destruction. Perhaps it's this earth suit I'm wearing that causes me to stumble.
A little over a week ago, I heard a worship leader pray and ask God for more insecurity. This request did not set well with me because I happen to have more than my share of this dreaded character defect. My greatest desire is to feel safe and wanted. Soliciting an extra dose of insecurity directly conflicts with my need for stability. Only in my inadequacy can God be glorified, but I sure don't like how I feel when this process is taking place!
Trying to determine God's will for my future stresses me out. The most frustrating part is knowing my resistance only fuels the fire. Why can't I just be still, and allow things to unfold? When will I learn the art of acceptance?
This blog is a mixed up mess of my thoughts. Most of the ideas don't connect, but it's where I'm currently residing. Do with it as you would like, but tread gently. Sometimes the truth we need the most, is the very thing we don't want to hear.
When I look through the "half-glass empty" lenses, this is what I see. Being single allows me to uproot and replant myself anywhere, at anytime. This freedom is both a blessing and a curse. Making life choices as a single person, means bearing the responsibility alone. My distorted way of thinking tells me if I were married, this process would be easier. Relocating and switching jobs would be a shared decision. A burden we both would carry. Yes, I realize the grass always appears greener on the other side. Both lawns require mowing.
Decisions about my career and living conditions plague me. I hate having to play with all the possibilities and never really knowing which options sound best. I spend so much mental energy on the "what if's", and I second guess my every move. Trusting God with the outcome is such a difficult task, because I tend to stay in the driver's seat of my life. I mean after all, "Aren't I the one who signs the contract? Isn't it my name on the lease?" I recognize how dangerous self-managed living can become, yet I continually gravitate towards destruction. Perhaps it's this earth suit I'm wearing that causes me to stumble.
A little over a week ago, I heard a worship leader pray and ask God for more insecurity. This request did not set well with me because I happen to have more than my share of this dreaded character defect. My greatest desire is to feel safe and wanted. Soliciting an extra dose of insecurity directly conflicts with my need for stability. Only in my inadequacy can God be glorified, but I sure don't like how I feel when this process is taking place!
Trying to determine God's will for my future stresses me out. The most frustrating part is knowing my resistance only fuels the fire. Why can't I just be still, and allow things to unfold? When will I learn the art of acceptance?
This blog is a mixed up mess of my thoughts. Most of the ideas don't connect, but it's where I'm currently residing. Do with it as you would like, but tread gently. Sometimes the truth we need the most, is the very thing we don't want to hear.
Or call me for coffee some time, I know a great little coffee shop where we can meet. 