JU Opinion Poll : Harder for Families or Soldiers?

I really want to know....

from JoeUser Forums
     Xtine's commentary in this recent article has led me to consider the real effects of soldier deployment on familiies. Since I am personally only capable of elocuting the results of deployment on a soldier I thought I would put the question to the JU comuunity at large: Is it harder on the the family left behind or for the soldier who is deployed? Responses can take any form you like and I will even leave this one open to SPM's crowd in case they feel like adding something meaningful here. (a uniter not a divider?) Site Meter
4,665 views 25 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
A very good question greywar. From experience I was tempted, at first, to say. "it is equally hard on both soldier and family" but I thought about it for awhile. I think at the end of the day it is harder on the family because they know thier loved one is in harms way and has no idea about what is going on at any given moment. They live under a cloud of despair hoping that the military won't contact them to say thier husband, father, brother, mother, wife and so on, is dead.
While I was deployed I always was afraid of dying, but not for myself, but because of the impact it would have on my wife and children. thats my view.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

They live under a cloud of despair hoping that the military won't contact them to say thier husband, father, brother, mother, wife and so on, is dead.

a good point i just wonder what would really ahppen in these circumstances for me as well.... My daughter took the news of my deployment better than my ex-wife did.

Galactic Civilizations III
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
As a mother, I can only say that I am proud of my son for volunteering to go to Iraq. After visiting with greywar and EL during Christmas, all I could detect from both of them was a marvelous desire to do their duty wherever it would take them. God be with all who are there to protect us from terrorists. Our heroes do not count the cost, they just do what they enlisted to do.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

all I could detect from both of them was a marvelous desire to do their duty wherever it would take them. God be with all who are there to protect us from terrorists. Our heroes do not count the cost, they just do what they enlisted to do.

I wish that was universal.

Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
. My daughter took the news of my deployment better than my ex-wife did.


I must say it was probably harder for you because your wife didn't handle it well and on the other side, easyer because your daughter.
Just goes to show you how different people react to the same type of news. No one in my family took it well, and to a degree neither did I. But a job needed to be done so off we went.
From one vet to another thanks for YOUR sacrafice.
If you have went or are going to Iraq check out the IWVO site. www.Iraqwarveterans.org it can help your family out.
thanks again.
CPL McNail
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

CPL McNail

thats a hell of a military name!

Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
lol, What?
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
ahhhhh, again Im such a slow guy.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top

What?

Mc Nail ranks up there with SGT War, Blood, and Death!

Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top

I know that it's hard for those of us left behind.  We're getting our info third and fourth hand about what's going on where our soldiers are at...we want to watch the news but at the same time are scared of what we might see and hear.  We, if we have children, have to assume the role of both mom and dad and we are basically single parents whilst the other is deployed.

It's hard too for those who are doing the leaving.  You all are put in harm's way, you have limited contact with your family...you are denied the comforts that most of us take for granted, like air conditioning, living in an actual structure instead of a tent,  hot running water and latrines with doors on them....not to mention decent food and the opportunity to shop at a store other than the PX.

When all's said and done, I don't know that you can say who it's harder for.  Each role has it's difficulties, but they're different kinds of difficulties. 

I think that I'd like to have the opportunity to trade places with my husband on a deployment.  I'd like to see what he has to endure, and I'd like for him to do what I have to do for a week or so.  I think it'd be a real eye-opener for both of us.

Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
dharmagrl I really do understand where you are coming from. But if I doubt that anyone in a war zone would willing "trade places" with a loved one so they could see what it was like. Actually I feel that I had it much better than my wife while I was deployed. I was in Iraq and I had a job to do, no other worries that I could deal with at the time.
My wife, however, was stuck home with two children a four year old and a newborn. She had to wake up with our infant, handle our toddler all the while keeping track of the bills, preparing dinner, and going out to run errands.
She was burdened with all of these things and much more. Some people call us "heros" ( how I hate that) but I feel that if there were a "hero" in my family it would absolutly be my wife. I dealt with war and seperation. She dealt with war, the unknown, seperation, children, bills, errands and so on. Thats why I feel it was harder for her becuase I feel that I would be sucking if I were the one left home alone.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

Actually I feel that I had it much better than my wife while I was deployed


That's what my husband said the first time he went to the desert.  We were married less than 3 years, had 2 toddlers and another on the way, were broke, at a new base so we didn't really know anyone....it sucked, to be blunt.


I was trying to be diplomatic when I said that I can see it from both sides....the military wife in me wants to say that of course we have it harder!  We have to look after the house, the kids, the bills, the car, the yard and on and on and on.....all y'all have to do it look after yourselves!

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
yeah.....thats all.........
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
The Family has it harder, whether deployed to a combat zone or just an unaccompanied tour of Korea or greenland. No doubt in my mind.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top

yeah.....thats all.........


You know what I meant....

Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
It destroys families. The military is not compatible with family.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
In my opinion, it does not have to destroy families. Like facing any other circumstance in our lives, it is all in our attitude. [/B
We can choose to let it build up or destroy. Circumstances can make us stronger, more united, more giving than ever before. When we let our circumstances control our lives, we can just get all emotional, irrational, and self-centered. We can choose any number of responses: poutiness, self-pity, bitterness, hatred, revenge, hostility, sourness, anger or we can love, give, appreciate, praise, thank, welcome, encourage, promote, bolster, defend, support, understand, forget our selves and reach out to others. Every circumstance that ever crosses our daily lives can make or break our families, our community, our country, our world. We are here to make a better world by our positive reactions to all the circumstances of our lives.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
I suppose I should have qualified my statement as my opinion. I do so now.

I stand by it.

Oh, and oleteach? Some of us just aren't as strong as you. Maybe someday you'll take that into account?
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
When I returned from Desert Storm or disaster relief deployments, my wife and I would talk about things we went through during that time. The reaction from both of us was usually the same....

"I don't know how I would have handled things, being in your shoes."

In other words, we both recognized that the other had been through situations that were both trying and rewarding in their own ways.

As far as I'm concerned, the family is just as much in the military as the servicemember. The responsibilities are different, but the support and effort of the family is as important to the servicemember's well-being and success as his or her ability to soldier. I've never seen any stats on this, but it is my experience that lack of support from spouse and other family members seems to be one of the biggest reasons why a good troop starts getting into trouble or does not re-enlist.

When I was in the National Guard, I got pretty good at figuring out who would re-enlist and who wouldn't. Mostly by talking to the troop's wife.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
It destroys families. The military is not compatible with family.


That completely depends on the family.
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
It does depend on the family, but I have personally found that it's difficult no matter how strong your familial unit.
I can't say who it's harder for. I haven't deployed, I've only had one duty station, I've rarely been on TDY (but more than some, I suppose). I do know that the Army acknowledges the hardships that come from separation:Link
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
Maybe the Hobbit in The Return of the King has part of the answer when he says something like "I am miserable to be part of battle but it is much worse to be on the fringe watching."
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top

It destroys families. The military is not compatible with family.


That completely depends on the family.
Bonus Rating: Trolling Insightful

Absolutely.  I've seen families divided and conquered by a mere 120 TDY......and I've seen others weather horrific 2 and 3 year long separations where everything that could go wrong did go wrong....THEY conquered the separation, not the other way around.

It's not necessarily about being strong, either.  I dunno what it is....I'm not the strongest person in the world, and we're doing okay (finally).  I think it has more to do with tenacity than strength....but that's just me.

Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think it has more to do with tenacity than strength


I agree with you on that one, dharma. The main reason that mine & SPC Nbs marriage has worked is that from day one, he refused to give up. Even when I felt like I couldn't go on, he pushed and pushed, and reminded me that he would never, ever, give up on me or our relationship.
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top
Reply #14 By: SSG Geezer - 12/30/2004 10:32:42 PM
The Family has it harder, whether deployed to a combat zone or just an unaccompanied tour of Korea or greenland. No doubt in my mind.


I think its equally difficult for all... those deployed in a freefire zone and those left behind worrying. God bless our brave troops and there families for this TREMENDOUS hardship they are enduring.