An Octogenarian Goes to the Doctor

Man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I'm having problems when I break wind. It sounds like a Japanese car exhaust"

So the doctor examines him. "ah" he says, "I see your problem. You have an abscess"

"Abscess?" enquires the man, "how can an abscess make that noise?"

"Well" says the doctor, "You must have herard of the phrase 'abscess makes the fart go Honda'..."

Man goes to the doctor and says, the second time I make love I break out in a sweat.

The doctor says, how old are you.

He replies 88.

So the second time you make love you break out into a sweat.

Yes, in the winter I am OK but in the summer oh how I sweat.

A couple, aged 68, went to the doctor's office.   The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed, and when they had finished he said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $75.

This happened several weeks in a row.   The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.   She's married and we can't go to her house.   I'm married and we can't go to my house.   Holiday Inn charges $135, Hilton charges $143.   We do it here for $75 and I get $60 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office!" 

Irishman goes to the doctor complaining abouit his love life.

He reckoned he didn't get it often enough

The doctor asks him how often he did it last week.

"Just twice... once for three days and once for four days."

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Then there was the traveling salesman who had been on and extended road trip to boost his sales figures.

After 11 1/2 months away he arrives home just on Christmas to see his wife nursing a six weeks old baby.

"Oh," he says: "A grudge baby!"

His wife angrily asks: "What do you mean by that"

"Just that somebody had it in for me."

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Did you hear about the 2 ducks flying North for Winter?.... yeah, they're Aussie ducks.

Anyway, they'd been in the air for about an hour when a twin engined fighter jet zoomed by at mach 4 with the afterburners on.

One duck says the the other: "Jumping salamanders, did you see that?"

"Sure did!"

"And geez, wasn't he moving!"

"Well so would you if you had two arseholes and both were on fire."

A cop is shot in the line of duty and the attending surgeon informs him that his male appendage had to be removed to save his life.

"However, there is some good news," says the doc: "and elephant died at the zoo this morning and I can graft on a piece of its trunk as a replacement."

The cop agrees and the surgery is performed post haste.

Anyway, all goes well and upon discharge the doc asks him to go back in 8 weeks for a check up, which he does.

The doc asks him how the piece of trunk is working and the cop tells him that it works well in every way, but that there had been one embarrassing moment.

"What was that?" asked the doctor.

"Well the wife and I took the kids to the zoo last week, and when I opened a packet of peanuts to feed the monkeys, it burst out of my zipper, grabbed a handful and shoved 'em up my butt."

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And did you know that the Grand Canyon wasn't there in the very early days of the Wild West?

Well it wasn't... not until an extremely frugal Scottish immigrant inadvertantly dropped a penny down a rabbit hole.

A man who has never needed to see a doctor in 26 years of life is required to provide a specimen and goes home to ask his wife what one is.

Well being that she too has never needed to see a doctor, she doesn't know, either, so she tells him: "Look, go upstairs and ask the medical student in the apartment above."

Piss off, I'm not going up there.  You know he hates my guts... and I his."

Look, I don't care.  Put your petty differences aside and go ask him."

With that he trudges upstairs begrudgingly to ask the medical student what a specimen is.

About 15 minutes later he returns with a fat lip, a bloody nose and a black eye, so the wife asks: "What the hell happend?"

"Well I did as you said and asked him what a specimen was, and he told me to go piss in a bottle."

"So what's with the bloody nose and fat lip?"

"Well I told him to go shit in his boot.... and that's when the fight started"

Old Dave is 88 and lives in a nursing home with his old flame, Mable.  She had been the light of his life until Jezabelle moves in.  Suddently Dave's attentions turn to her and he's spending every waking moment with her.

This upsets Mable, so she corners Dave to ask what Jezabelle has that she hasn't.

Dave repies: "A great big bosom that I can bury my face in for comfort."

Mable says: "Well I have a great big bosom and you can bury your face in it any time you like.  So what has she got that I havent?"

"She whispers sweet nothings in my ear to make me feel good about myself."

"Well I can whisper sweet nothings in your ear to make you feel good about yourself.  So what's she got that I haven't?"

She sits up all night and watches porn with me."

Well I can sit up all night and watch porn with you.  So what's she got that I haven't?"

"Well Jezabelle puts her hand on my dick."

"I always put my hand on your dick.... so what has she got that I haven't?"

"Parkinsons!!!"