starkers starkers

Dealing With Clinical Depression Then Bad News On Top

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Dealing With Clinical Depression Then Bad News On Top

sometimes life is so unfair

from WinCustomize Forums

Yeah, I'm still around, though there are days the alternative seems so inviting when bad things mount up and almost appear as a blessing.

Sadly, my younger brother saw that as his escape from the pain he endured, and put bluntly, after the pain my family suffered as a result, I'd be lower than a snake's belly to put then through that a second time.  So I hold on in the hope that things will get better....but then they don't.

A couple of days ago I was told that my first wife had died of a massive heart attack....aged just 55.  Now we may have had our problems in the past, and yes, I sometimes posted a tongue-in-cheek remark here and there, but at the end of the day she is still the mother of my children and I cannot help but feel something deeply emotional over her sudden and most unexpected passing.... and not just for my kids sakes, either. There was a time when she was more than special to me, and in latter years we had become good friends again, so yeah, I do feel a great sense of loss personally and sure as hell wish that I had told her how I felt before she passed on.

There are so many unsaid words I wish I'd said, and others I wish I hadn't said previously, but I can change none of that and now have regrets that I never availed myself of the opportunity to make amends for those things.  I sort of kept my distance, most likely when it wasn't necessary, because we had both moved on, I was already in a safe zone, so to speak - but I never told her that, no matter what, there was still some love for her in my heart.  You never lose that when you've had children together, and I just wish that I'd told her so before it was too late.

 

Anyway, I've cried buckets for all sorts of rasons over the last few weeks and it seems to have helped some, but I still have a long way to go before I am back to my usual fun-loving self, so hang in there peeps, I'll return with a lighter, happier heart in the near future.

Also, thanks a billion to all my friends, I know you're all thinking of me and I'm most grateful.

13,774 views 35 replies
Reply #26 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Well I had a much better day today and feel quite positive.  I met up with Shaunna and Steve, Bianca and her Mark at my local shopping plaza and enjoyed their company for a few hours.  Besides, Shaunnna repaid 20 bucks I loaned her a while back and I got my stonger meds, so that's made a difference.  Like it wouldn't have had time to make a difference just yet, but I took one earlier and feel better just in knowing things will improve with the higher dose.

The other thing that pleased me is that Bianca and I made some headway towards getting her children back.  I've had previous experience with such matters and thus offered my full support, which she has accepted with open arms and now seems more calm/relaxed than before.  While I have some knowledge regarding Family Law, it's more about moral support and being there, offrering advice regarding court procedures, etc.  We didn't always get on the same page so easily, so I'm pretty chuffed about it.

Quoting DrJBHL, reply 23

Cap'n - there are other things to be considered. Although personality does change with aging, physical and mental illnesses can also be responsible.

Of course, that doesn't make things any easier to bear...just easier to understand. Perhaps you might have a talk with her M.D.?
End of DrJBHL's quote

Yup: age; senility, the depression she doesn't believe in; anxiety issues that don't exist, I'm sure they're all playing a role, but getting her to see that is a completely different kettle of fish.  I can clearly see signs to the opposite, but to her she is in complete control of her faculties and her thinking is quite logical and rational.  As for seeing her [my former] doctor, well it's unlikely as I have switched clinics for personal convenience and would find it awkward... getting there as well.  Nah, I'll just do my own thing in my own space and keep to myself until she leaves for England, which now I'm told will be October 1st.... and naughtily I'm counting down the days

Quoting sydneysiders, reply 24

from experience... people as they get older, their memories of the distant past/early years, become way more vivid and important to them, kind of magnified, while recent past and present do not register as much on the importance/relevance scale...
End of sydneysiders's quote

Hehe, that reminds me of the 1st lines from Jim Steinman's song: Rock n' Roll Dreams Come Through, when he screams out: "I remember everything. I remember every little thing like it was just yesterday....."

Well that's pretty much it.  I'm still copping judgemental criticism for things I did as a 5 year old...and then there's the recent comparisons, whether there's any similarity or connection or not.  I mean, I can't see a connection or similarity to my repacking stuff she said she didn't want cluttering up her kitchen to my throwing away a toy I got into trouble for playing with when I was 5, but she obviously does, and calls me a twat for doing so.... at her behest.

Quoting Jafo, reply 25

You choose your friends....you choose your spouse....but you're born with your family.
End of Jafo's quote

I've not always done well choosing wives or friends - some choices were most regretful - but blood is supposed to be thicker than water, so they say.  Obviously not always.

Anyway, I'm not going to spoil the rest of my day with more of this.

Reply #27 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Quoting starkers, reply 26

Well I had a much better day today and feel quite positive.
End of starkers's quote

good to hear...   :thumbsup:

Quoting starkers, reply 26

Bianca and I made some headway towards getting her children back.
End of starkers's quote

What?   o_O

Did I miss something...   :|

Star Control: Origins
Reply #28 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Quoting starkers, reply 26

blood is supposed to be thicker than water, so they say.  Obviously not always.

End of starkers's quote

It is...six times thicker, in fact. However, that doesn't mean it's 'better than', 'preferable to', or 'tastier than' (well, there is the occasional vampire to consider, no?).

She should be checked out, Mark...even though it might prove awkward. Perhaps Bianca could take her?

Reply #29 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Well today [well actually it's Sunday and that was Saturday, so it's yesterday now] turned out to be quite a pleasant day all around.

Apart from spending time with three of my favourite people + 1 [Bianca's Mark - yeah, a new one] mother and I actually had a decent day together and we were getting on so much better.

I think it has something to do with her booking her flight to England to be with David, her second husband, and having something positive to look forward to instead of the negativity she has had to deal with of late.  It's a bit of a long story and I won't bore you with all the details, but David came here to live, and was more or less forced to leave the country because of bureaucratic red tape, bullshit government legislation and blatant interference.  And to make matthers worse, Immigration stamped his passport with a non-return period of 3 years because he had supposedly overstayed his visa.  That was not the case but now he can't return as a result of either sheer incompetence or deliberate meddling in their affairs.

To make matters worse, some bureaucratic pencil pushers decided to cut mother's aged pension off for 3 months, leaving her with no income whatsoever and having to deplete here entire savings account in order to live.  So yeah, mother has been through the mill and has had some shit put on her by government meddling.

Thing is, I was 100% sympathetic to her situation and agreed that what had been done to them was abysmal on the part of the authorities, but obviously the stress and uncertainity of it all was overwhelming and something had to give.  Add to that my depression and an unexpected reaction to the passing of my 1st wife after 30 plus years of divorce, it was a recipe for an unpleasant situation.  I wouldn't have thought the passing of my 1st wife would have affected me so after so long, but it did and I went through a difficult period.... made even more unpleasant by my son, but I won't go into that, other than so say I was unable to attend the funeral because of him.

Anyway, mother and I made our peace without going into it too much and we're in a much better place now.  I was even asked for advice regarding a tablet purchase after the iPad Mini failed to meet her expectations... and I happily gave it.  She has now decided on an ASUS H100TA-DK004H - Z3740, 10.1 IPS, 64G SSD, 2GB RAM, WIFI, Keyboard DOCK, W8.1 + MS OFFICE, TOUCH   It's so much more compact and somewhat lighter than her current notebook and will be easier to travel with.  We had a look at MS Surface tablets and others but this seemed the best value full OS tablet for money.

All's well that ends well, as they say, and now it's my bed time, being gone 2.00am.  Bugger!  All the beauty sleep elapsed/passed me by... so NO recent pics of me will be entered into. :grin:

Oh, and just so you all know, I appreciate the support you've all shown and I shan't forget.  Thank you. :thumbsup: :)

Reply #30 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Picture, Picture, Picture...          ;)  

Reply #31 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Quoting sydneysiders, reply 27

Bianca and I made some headway towards getting her children back.

What?

Did I miss something...
End of sydneysiders's quote

Yeah, she split from that Mark and has come to Queensland to escape his bullshit and general trouble making.  He's a nasty piece of work to say the least, and he's not fit to have those kids... hence my offer to assist Bianca in whatever way I can.  She is by far the better parent and would certainly care for them considerably better than he would... and we can prove it.  Not only that, them darlin's would be closer to Shaunna and I, meaning that we can be of more support and have some fun babysitting and all that.

:thumbsup:

Reply #32 from WinCustomize Forums Top

This makes me happier, Cap'n. Awful what was done to David and your Mom...small people with power.

Anyway, hope you can stay in this better place. :)

Reply #33 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Quoting DrJBHL, reply 32

This makes me happier, Cap'n. Awful what was done to David and your Mom...small people with power.

Anyway, hope you can stay in this better place. :)
End of DrJBHL's quote

Yes, it was bloody awful what they did to mum and Dave, they're in their 80's and didn't deserve/need to be messed around like that. Thing is, for all the bad stuff that's happened, some good things have made it all so much better and mum will get to follow one of her dreams... going to the Greek Isles.  It's a trip [5 days] she's wanted to do for a long time and it's thrown in as a bonus to her UK flight.  Dave gets a heavily discounted ticket for booking early and being nominated as mum's companion, so his 'll cost near bugger all now.

The days are getting better as each passes and we're both in a better head space now.  With all the conflict and uncertainity we were like red rags to a bull to each other, but now that my meds have kicked in and mum has her affairs sorted out we have found a happy medium and we're doing okay.

Having said that, I'm still glad that she's going to England, though in a happy for her kinda way.  She's all excited about it and has been hopping about like a love-struck teenager.... saying: "I can't wait, I cant wait." to see David and buying new clothes for the trip/to impress him when she gets there.  Ain't love grand!

So there you have it, we're on a better path and feeling much happier. :)

Reply #34 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Quoting starkers, reply 33

So there you have it, we're on a better path and feeling much happier.  :)
End of starkers's quote

:thumbsup:

Reply #35 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Even  the Cape has, calm waters now and again .   Every dark cloud has a silver lining   so they say. all the best