Iben Iben

Short Stories

Short Stories

A man named Fred wins ten million in the lottery and moves to Montana
where he builds a house and prepares for the end of the world.
After building his house Fred starts work on a bomb shelter
where he can live through any disaster.Fred stocks the shelter
with food, ammo, guns, radios, batteries, water and everything
he can think of that he will need to survive the end of the world.
Just after completing his shelter Fred hears a radio broadcast alerting
the public that a nuclear war has begun. Fred races to his shelter
goes in and shuts the door to the outside world behind him.
Fred sits in his chair and turns on his emergency radio to
monitor broadcasts of news.
Behind Fred is the door to the Beefaroni closet.
Suddenly a stranger jumps out of the Beefaroni closet, shoots
Fred in the back of the head and places him in a body bag.
The stranger then takes a seat in the chair Fred was sitting in
and begins monitoring broadcasts for news.
The End.

 

26,452 views 40 replies
Reply #26 Top

Quoting PoSmedley, reply 18
This is funny. I mean, really funny. Especially coming from the number one registered, identified, and officially notarized contributor of green house gases from the land down under.
End of PoSmedley's quote

yeah.... and all those years in Tasmania..... isn't the biggest hole in the ozone layer...over...Tasmania?....  :|

Reply #27 Top

Quoting sydneysiders, reply 26
yeah.... and all those years in Tasmania..... isn't the biggest hole in the ozone layer...over...Tasmania?..
End of sydneysiders's quote

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

Reply #28 Top

Quoting sydneysiders, reply 26
yeah.... and all those years in Tasmania..... isn't the biggest hole in the ozone layer...over...Tasmania?....
End of sydneysiders's quote

Don't blame me for that.  Besides, it was there before I arrived... had something to do with all the hot air Bob Brown expelled while denouncing the Tasmanian woodchip industry, I believe.  Yup, so much for being a Green, that mongrel expels more ozone depleting hot air in one parliamentary speech than Mt St Helens does in full eruption. 

So yeah, discredit where discredit is due. :-"

Reply #29 Top

 

Planet Dimdoid

Once upon a time on a planet called Dimdoid.
The people of Dimdoid took republican ideas to their logical conclusion.
The people deregulated their free market system to improve efficiency.
They removed all laws.
They lowered taxes
to zero.
They passed a hat to pay for government and fill pot holes.
They enacted the opt out clause.
The End. 

Reply #30 Top

"This is the President of planet Dimdoid. My cars been stripped. Help!"

End of Story.

Reply #31 Top

This is the vice-president of Planet Dimboid.  I did it, hehehehe.

The End. :w00t:

Reply #32 Top

This is the Secretary of State of planet Dimdoid. No you didn't ... I did.

The End

Reply #33 Top

This is Chief Mechanic of Planet Dimdoid....many of the parts you say you stripped weren't even on the car.  I didn't put them back after the last service... wonder it even went.

The End. :-"

Reply #34 Top

Uh oh......

end

Reply #35 Top

Just found this. I have no explanation. I mean, you know...I wrote it. Won't put the whole thing here, this was the beginning. I had the whole thing worked out in my head and thought I lost what I had started. Just thought I'd throw this out. I'm still reading over everything I had already put down.

Chapter oNe

Things that Go boogie iN tHe night

 

 

Miguel Marquez sat with his arms wrapped around his knees, which were drawn up to his chest. He sat at the head of his bed atop his pillow. He sat in the dark, at two fifteen in the morning, fighting back tears. Only, it wasn’t really all that dark. Not really. There were those two huge, yellow, glowing eyes in the corner of his bedroom. The two eyes, that appeared to hover about a foot and a half above the floor as if they weren’t attached to anyone or anything. The two eyes, that just stared at him unblinking from across his bedroom in the corner.

Miguel knew that they were attached to something, though. A head, a head with at least a mouth. A mouth because he could hear it. He had been listening to it make a loud ‘smacking’ noise for over an hour. The wet smacking noise is what woke him up.

For over an hour, Miguel had sat like this, staring. Staring in the direction of the eyes and the wet-smacking sound. The whole time, Miguel could swear the eyes staring back at him never blinked. They never even looked anywhere but at Miguel. And, every now and then, that wet, smacking sound.

At first, when he heard the noise, he thought he was dreaming. He thought he was having one of those ‘half-awake, half-asleep’ dreams. Miguel even told himself that had to be it and it was his own fault. Even now, shaking and very much awake, he tried to tell himself it was all a bad dream. That he never should have eaten those three bags of ‘Pop-rocks’ he had hidden under his pillow. Never should have eaten them so late. “But they were grape pop-rocks’ he told himself. ‘And who in their right mind can resist grape pop-rocks…or anything grape flavored for that matter?’

What did his mother tell him about candy before bed?

“All that sugar will have you bouncing off the walls when you should be sleeping!” was what she would say, Miguel thought.

“smack!”

“smack!”

Then Miguel stopped. This was no dream.

“smack!”

Those eyes that had been staring at him were real.

“smack!”

And so was that disgusting noise that came from somewhere right beneath those eyes.

“smack.”

Miguel, or ‘Mickey’ as his mom called him, decided it was time to find out what all of this was about.

“’Nuffs enuff” he thought. “After all, I am gonna be ten tomorrow. I’m old enough to handle a yellow eyed, lip smacking…uh…” He cleared his throat and spoke to his visitor for the first time. “What are you, anyway?”

For the first time in an over an hour, the huge yellow eyes blinked, just once. But they blinked and this was something new.

Miguel leaned forward, ever so slightly. “Do you understand me?”

No response, nothing. Not even another blink.

Miguel tried again. “I said, ‘What are you?’”

Blink. It blinked again.

“Can you talk?” Miguel asked.

Blink. Blink.

Even the blinks sounded wet, almost slimy.

Miguel stared, then sat back against his headboard and sighed. His fear was leaving him only to be replaced by annoyance….and just a little bit of boredom.

“This is getting old.” He whispered to himself.

He stared at his now blinking (as well as ‘lip smacking) visitor. “Fine.” He said. “Stay there and blink or don’t blink. Talk or don’t talk. See if I care.” He said.

Leaning his head back on the headboard, Miguel did what he always does when he gets bored. He did it without even realizing he was doing it. He stuck the little finger of his right hand directly up his right nostril and began to pick his nose.

“Gasp!”

Miguel looked back at the yellow eyes that the gasp seemed to have come from. The eyes seemed to have grown three times their previous size. They seemed also, to be glowing brighter.

“What? You never saw anybody pick their nose before?” he asked with his pinky shoved halfway up a seemingly elastic and totally stretchable nostril.

The yellow eyes blinked.

They blinked once. They blinked twice.

They blinked three times.

And there came a sigh, soft and slow.

“Well, “ said Miguel, “if you think that’s something, watch this.” Miguel searched with his little finger, until he found what he was looking for ; The Mother-Lode; A nugget. A big, hard, crusty one, stuck to the middle of his nostril.

With the tip of his pinky, he began to pry it lose. It pulled on a nose hair or two, that it had adhered itself to, bringing a familiarly painful, yet at the same time, delightful feeling to his eyes as they threatened to tear up. Certain he had it, he withdrew it from his nose, stuck to the tip of his nail.

The thing in the corner gasped again, immediately followed by a soft “Aaaaaaah.” But before it could finish, Miguel plunged the pinky, nugget and all, into his mouth, and in one motion, sucked it clean.

The thing in the corner made a gurgling sound, deep in its yet to be seen throat. Its yellow eyes seemed to roll up in its head. What sounded like small, bare feet, stamped softly on the floor.

Miguel laughed. “You liked that, huh?” Miguel shoved his freshly cleaned pinky back up his nostril, searching, searching, searching. “Aha, pay dirt!” He pulled out another nugget. He inspected it briefly, as best he could with very little light, and he held it up in the air.

“Ah, sweet nugget, my magic nose-goblin.” He laughed at himself. He noticed the things eyes followed his pinky where ever he moved it, and Miguel found this fascinating. Then, Miguel got an idea, a way to get it to come closer. Miguel extended his pinky, his whole arm, towards the glowing eyes of his visitor.

“Want to see?”

The yellow eyes grew even larger then Miguel thought possible, glowing, shiney.

“C’mon.” Miguel coaxed. “You can come closer.”

Now, Miguel’s guest was panting. Panting and softly whining. The whining reminded Miguel of a small puppy in pain. Miguel held his arm out a moment longer and then pulled it back.

“Fine, don’t come closer. You had your chance.” Miguel opened his mouth and moved his finger to it. The thing in the corner gasped and seemed to hold its breath in anticipation.

Miguel sat with his pinky poised, smiled, and shoved it in his mouth. He pulled it out quickly, clean, and nugget free.

The thing in the corner whimpered. Stamped its feet and grunted. Then its eyes closed. With the glowing light of its eyes gone, Miguel lost track of his guest. As he was about to reach for his bedside light, he felt something.

To Miguel, it felt like all the air in the room was being sucked out at once. His ears popped. From the corner, where his guest was last visible, he heard a whisper. It was soft and raspy, a little rough.

 

You ish a ruuuute boy.”

 

Then from the corner came a loud popping sound, like a balloon being sucked inside out and then exploding.

Then there was silence.

Miguel was sure that whatever was there, it had just left. Probably the same way it came. Miguel laughed softly to himself.

“See ya’ later.” He chuckled. “See ya’ later, Boogieman.”

Reply #36 Top

Jim and the big bird.

One day Jim was out taking a walk for some exercise.
Jim saw a big bird fly over that wasn't flapping it's wings.
As the big bird flew over Jim, he could hear the big bird humming.
The big bird flew off into the distance and stopped humming.
Then the big bird landed in a big soft bush.
Jim went over to the big soft bush, picked up the big bird
and took it home.
The End.

Reply #37 Top

Jack and Jill were madly in love
and both the happiest they had ever been in
their lives.
They decided to celebrate their love on valentines day.
They reserved a romantic room on the top floor
of a high rise hotel where each room had a balcony
with a great view.
On valentines day they went out to eat dinner had drinks
and went to the hotel.
They went up to their room and made love.
Afterward they were both in a state of total euphoria.
Jill went to the powder room and when she returned Jack was gone.
Jill found a note on the bed stand that read
"Dear Jill,
I always wanted to die happy and I've been with enough of you
to know it was now or never."
Jill went out on the balcony and saw Jack on the sidewalk below.
The End.

Reply #38 Top

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pale of water

Jill came down

with half a crown

And a baby daughter. :-"

 

Reply #39 Top

Episode two of the shortest story in the world.

.

Reply #40 Top

Alien discovery

 

It is the year 5065.
Aliens land on Earth for the first time.
The aliens begin an archaeological dig in the ruins
that they find. After two weeks of digging they
find a ancient electronic memory storage device.
The aliens work for two years trying to extract
the information in the device.
They finally extract one packet of information.
Imagine what it is like to be the aliens reading
the packet of information for the first time.
You are the alien and this is the packet of information.
Mouse over to read it.
Don't let a computer disaster ruin your business.