Change is Good
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I was born in Buffalo, NY to an Irish Catholic family. My dad had 8 brothers and sisters. My mom had 5.
Growing up, being Irish Catholic was part of my identity, and I was proud of it. I went to church like a good little girl. I learned about the Bible and Catholicism at Sunday school (which later moved to Wednesday school). I always said my prayers before I ate and went to bad. Every summer I went to Catholic Youth Camp and had a blast. I loved my religion, my God, and Jesus, and I never once considered that I might be wrong.
Then I turned 13 and entered the 8th grade. At my church, 8th grade was the year to be confirmed, to be an adult member of the Catholic Church. By this age, I was old enough to start to process the information I was given. Instead of just hearing about Catholicism, I began to think about it. And then I began to question it and even doubt it. Near the beginning of the year, we all had individual meetings with our pastor. I remember, when asked, I categorized myself as "not very religious. He asked me why, so I started spitting out all of the doubts that had been forming in my mind, thoughts that I had disclosed to no one. He then proceeded to explain to me why Catholicism was still true, and for the rest of that year my faith grew. I became more religious than ever before.
Then came 9th grade, and I joined the debate team. I entered into a completely new world. Here, every statement I made and belief I held was questioned and challenged. I found that I had nothing to back up many of the things I said or believed. Almost everyone I knew there was either atheistic or agnostic, with a few exceptions. One was my best friend. She had been my closest friend for several years, and attended the same church I did.
For the next year, I struggled to justify my religion to others, while attempting to classify it to myself. I discovered that year that my political thoughts were considered liberal, but I still felt in the dark when it came to religion. I knew I was pro-choice and that I supported gay marriage, but these were both things that my church opposed. I discovered that I was a pluralist, meaning I believed that people were awarded entrance into Heaven based on their actions in life, not their beliefs. This, too, contradicted Catholicism.
After that, when asked my religion, I would reply, "Well.... I'm Catholic, but...", and then I would proceed to list some of the differences between my beliefs and Catholic beliefs. Finally, at the beginning of 10th grade, I began to refer to myself as non-denominational. The relief I felt was enormous. I no longer had to justify the Cathollic religion to others, when I had never truly agreed with it in the first place. That was the first change, that made the others come a little more easily. But not that easily.
Shortly after that, I began questioning myself on a daily basis. Sometimes I was an atheist in English class and a Christian in Calc. I would often stop listening to the teacher in AP Bio or in Western Civ because the teacher had said something to trigger doubt or some new thought that I had never considered, and I would spend the rest of the class debating myself. I felt like a neverending war was taking place inside my head. I began to compare Christianity to other religions. I asked myself why I was Christian, rather than Muslim or Jewish. That was a question I could never answer, other than to say that I had been born Christian.
I consider myself to be a stubborn person. As much as I know it's a problem, I hate to admit that I'm wrong. After my friends had been challenging me for more than a year, admitting that I agreed felt like defeat. I no longer felt Christian, but I refused to admit it to myself or others.
One day, not too long ago, I finally, officially renounced my religion. I told all of my friends that I was no longer Christian, but agnostic. It was probably the hardest change I have ever been through, and I was met with mixed reactions. Sooh, though, I discovered that this was not a defeat, but a victory. I learned to challenge the theories I was taught and use my mind to individually decide my view. I have the utmost respect for people who have done the same. Although the outcome of another's struggle may be different, the important part is not the result, but the struggle itself.
I still question myself on a daily basis. My view is that I can't ever really know whether God exists or not. It seems silly to classify myself as theistic or atheistic when I see no reason to go either way. Then I wonder which I would choose if I had to, or which side I lean towards more. I even ask myself what religion really is. Do I have to be able to prove anything, even to myself? Or can it just be a feeling? But I'm not even sure what my feelings are. Agnosticism may not be my set of beliefs forever, but the big change will make all the others come more easily. Change is definitely scary, but definitely good."
Growing up, being Irish Catholic was part of my identity, and I was proud of it. I went to church like a good little girl. I learned about the Bible and Catholicism at Sunday school (which later moved to Wednesday school). I always said my prayers before I ate and went to bad. Every summer I went to Catholic Youth Camp and had a blast. I loved my religion, my God, and Jesus, and I never once considered that I might be wrong.
Then I turned 13 and entered the 8th grade. At my church, 8th grade was the year to be confirmed, to be an adult member of the Catholic Church. By this age, I was old enough to start to process the information I was given. Instead of just hearing about Catholicism, I began to think about it. And then I began to question it and even doubt it. Near the beginning of the year, we all had individual meetings with our pastor. I remember, when asked, I categorized myself as "not very religious. He asked me why, so I started spitting out all of the doubts that had been forming in my mind, thoughts that I had disclosed to no one. He then proceeded to explain to me why Catholicism was still true, and for the rest of that year my faith grew. I became more religious than ever before.
Then came 9th grade, and I joined the debate team. I entered into a completely new world. Here, every statement I made and belief I held was questioned and challenged. I found that I had nothing to back up many of the things I said or believed. Almost everyone I knew there was either atheistic or agnostic, with a few exceptions. One was my best friend. She had been my closest friend for several years, and attended the same church I did.
For the next year, I struggled to justify my religion to others, while attempting to classify it to myself. I discovered that year that my political thoughts were considered liberal, but I still felt in the dark when it came to religion. I knew I was pro-choice and that I supported gay marriage, but these were both things that my church opposed. I discovered that I was a pluralist, meaning I believed that people were awarded entrance into Heaven based on their actions in life, not their beliefs. This, too, contradicted Catholicism.
After that, when asked my religion, I would reply, "Well.... I'm Catholic, but...", and then I would proceed to list some of the differences between my beliefs and Catholic beliefs. Finally, at the beginning of 10th grade, I began to refer to myself as non-denominational. The relief I felt was enormous. I no longer had to justify the Cathollic religion to others, when I had never truly agreed with it in the first place. That was the first change, that made the others come a little more easily. But not that easily.
Shortly after that, I began questioning myself on a daily basis. Sometimes I was an atheist in English class and a Christian in Calc. I would often stop listening to the teacher in AP Bio or in Western Civ because the teacher had said something to trigger doubt or some new thought that I had never considered, and I would spend the rest of the class debating myself. I felt like a neverending war was taking place inside my head. I began to compare Christianity to other religions. I asked myself why I was Christian, rather than Muslim or Jewish. That was a question I could never answer, other than to say that I had been born Christian.
I consider myself to be a stubborn person. As much as I know it's a problem, I hate to admit that I'm wrong. After my friends had been challenging me for more than a year, admitting that I agreed felt like defeat. I no longer felt Christian, but I refused to admit it to myself or others.
One day, not too long ago, I finally, officially renounced my religion. I told all of my friends that I was no longer Christian, but agnostic. It was probably the hardest change I have ever been through, and I was met with mixed reactions. Sooh, though, I discovered that this was not a defeat, but a victory. I learned to challenge the theories I was taught and use my mind to individually decide my view. I have the utmost respect for people who have done the same. Although the outcome of another's struggle may be different, the important part is not the result, but the struggle itself.
I still question myself on a daily basis. My view is that I can't ever really know whether God exists or not. It seems silly to classify myself as theistic or atheistic when I see no reason to go either way. Then I wonder which I would choose if I had to, or which side I lean towards more. I even ask myself what religion really is. Do I have to be able to prove anything, even to myself? Or can it just be a feeling? But I'm not even sure what my feelings are. Agnosticism may not be my set of beliefs forever, but the big change will make all the others come more easily. Change is definitely scary, but definitely good."