There Are Some Things I DON'T Need To Know

Even if you think I'm asking

from JoeUser Forums
If I notice that you're walking a little odd and sitting down and standing up a little gingerly and ask if you're OK, please, feel free to answer with something as simple as, "I'm not feeling too well today." If I push for a little more information by asking what's wrong, again, feel free to keep it simple and vague. Somthing like -

My butt hurts (Nice and simple)

I've got a pain in my ass (Again, simple and there's always an opening for humor if that's your thing)

I pulled my hamstring a little (A lie - It avoids the truth if you're embarrassed and I'll appreciate it much more than the detailed truth)

I have hemorroids (The ugly truth but it's honest and the mildest way to say it)

All of the above are fine. There's no need for more information. In the case of the first three, if I pursue and ask futher questions, just deflect them by whatever means suit your original statement (for example - answer humor with humor or add more lies like how you got the pulled muscle). I probably don't really care anyway, I'm just being polite by asking and seeming interested. I promise that if you answer with the last one (the ugly truth), I won't ask any more. I will probably do my best to change the subject and ignore your sufferings (I know they are not catchy but I'm not taking any chances).

No matter how this conversation goes, though, there is no need, I repeat, NO NEED to describe the hemorroids in any way, shape, or form. If you want to say they really hurt, that's one thing. But don't describe them. Do not tell me how big they are. How far they come out. How red they are (how in hell do find out how red they are without some special amount of effort to find out?!?!?! I mean, there's got to be at least one mirror involved in that nonsense! Why!?!?!).

Keep that shit to yourself.



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Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Well it's your fault you asked the questions
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Why do you have numbers on the bottom of all your articles chiprj?
Sins of a Solar Empire II
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

Ewwww!  Chip!!!  How disgusting for you to have to hear the graphic details of someone's butt hole issues.  I'd be too ashamed to tell anyone that was what was wrong with me...that's just gross.  I wouldn't want my sphincter to become a topic of conversation, thanks!

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hey chip, I was meaning to talk to you about this festering sore I have inside my mouth. It's throbbing and full of puss, and I'm wondering if I should lance it? It hurts something fierce, and I'm concerned because it's searingly hot and looks kind of green. What do you think I should do?
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Tex, it's probably from when you accidentally bit the inside of your cheek while you were stuffing your face with pie. Clearly what you need is a little "hair of the dog"--bite that bad boy again, and suck out all that pus. Spray in a little whipped cream straight from the can to mask any flavor issue you might have.

Be sure to poke and prod around with your tongue afterward, and feel free to squeeze the sore between your teeth to milk out every last drop of pus.

Oh, and don't forget to describe in excruciating detail just how the mixture of pus and whipped cream felt, smelled, and tasted.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Well it's your fault you asked the questions


I know, right?

Why do you have numbers on the bottom of all your articles chiprj?


It's something I got from greywar. It's a counter. If you click on the number it will take you the sitemeter.com website. It will show you all my stats. From there, just navigate to the sitemeter homepage and you can register your blog page and they will email you code that you can cut and paste into your articles when you write them. It will display the number on your page reflecting the number of hits you get.

I'd be too ashamed to tell anyone that was what was wrong with me...that's just gross. I wouldn't want my sphincter to become a topic of conversation, thanks!


That's my thoughts on it. I'd lie about what was wrong with me.

What do you think I should do?


Yeah, see citahellion's comment for more info. Or feel free to try a tourniquet - that's all the help you'll get from me, TMI Sharer!

Tex, it's probably from when you accidentally bit the inside of your cheek while you were stuffing your face with pie ... and don't forget to describe in excruciating detail just how the mixture of pus and whipped cream felt, smelled, and tasted.


Yeah, I'm actually near dry heaves over that one, thank you very much!
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm actually near dry heaves over that one, thank you very much!


Ohhh, so close to success.... I knew I should have gone into more depth about just where is this sore located, can you squirt some of the pus onto a finger (or lick it out and then wipe it onto your finger), what does the pus smell like right now, how viscous is it, what texture does it have (more like gravy, or more like tapioca, or more like gritty pudding, etc), and so forth.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ohhh, so close to success....


VERY close.

I knew I should have gone into more depth


That's ok. I'm glad you didn't!
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Is that all you asked: "why are you walking a little oddly?" I'm just wondering exactly how far you had to probe to get such a detailed explanation. Who feels the need to divulge this much? Ew.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ohhh, so close to success.... I knew I should have gone into more depth about just where is this sore located, can you squirt some of the pus onto a finger (or lick it out and then wipe it onto your finger), what does the pus smell like right now, how viscous is it, what texture does it have (more like gravy, or more like tapioca, or more like gritty pudding, etc), and so forth.


Ew. Just. Ew. That's too disgusting...excuse me...

*runs wildly to the bathroom to save the mauve carpet*
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
citahellion: I tried squeezing it out with my fingers, but I can't get all the pus to come out. I kept getting it all over my tongue . . . it was of a tapioca-like consistency, thick with with chewy globs mixed in. Wonder what that means? I went ahead and swallowed it because I didn't know what else to do. It tasted like rancid meat, and I had to chew some of it up first. It's still oozing goo as I type this. What do I do now?
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
TW, reach in, grab the bone, and remove the turkey wing that's stuck to your teeth.

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm just wondering exactly how far you had to probe to get such a detailed explanation


Well, it started out with me noticing the odd walk. When they told me the ugly truth, I said I was sorry to hear it and that I'd never experienced them myself so I had no idea what the pain could be like. I guess that was the launching board they were looking for because that's where the detailed explanation started. Maybe I did bring it on myself...

Ew. Just. Ew. That's too disgusting...excuse me...


I know, right?

I tried squeezing it out with my fingers, but I can't get all the pus to come out. ...What do I do now?


That's just nasty!

TW, reach in, grab the bone, and remove the turkey wing that's stuck to your teeth.


That should help...
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
This is cracking me up (and grossing me out just a wee bit)!
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Ravenblack - That's a good picture of how I feel about it all.

This is cracking me up (and grossing me out just a wee bit)!


I'm about 60-40 in favor of the gross out part, myself.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
got.....hemorroids?
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
got.....hemorroids?


Not me...