Pieces of me

from JoeUser Forums
I am a broken person. Flawed, defective, and just plain messed up. You can try and talk me out of it, it's your time to waste. I am self centered, lazy, stupid, stubborn, quick to anger, cold hearted, a lousy writer, evil, and generally poor at expressing myself. And those are just the defects I am aware of. But I do admit and accept those flaws, we are not in egypt today.
I've been broken for years and at this point I doubt I'll ever be 'fixed'. Most of the time I don't even want to be. There was a time I wanted to be better, to strive to be the best person I could be. I'ld like to take credit for that, but that drive came from she who I will not name. I loved her (and still do, and most likely will forever) and wanted to make myself a worthy person for her. She was married, and I was content with that, I was more interested in being her friend anyways. But somewhere along the way I realized how much I loved her, and I was evil.
There are two things I cannot stress enough. First (and most important): I love her. And second: I am evil.
I am not going to go into details about what we did/didn't do together, not now, but I will paint a broad outline. We met, I fell in love, she left her husband, we spent much time together, she sent me away. Maybe someday I'll give more details, it would probably be good for me.

I don't want your sympathy, I don't want your kind words, I want to hold her and cry while I tell her I'm sorry. But I can't do that.

This is not the story I was going to write, but it is the one your getting. Now I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.
2,398 views 9 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
All I can do is offer up an "Insightful" for this.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

I'll second Dev's motion and give you an insightful as well.....

..and say that whilst I would be a poor substitute, I'd be happy to hold you as you cried.  Anytime....

Offworld Trading Company
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
*Companionable Silence*
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
It's important to accept our "flaws," but it is also just as important, maybe more, to accept your virtues. You're not one-dimensional.

You have certainly captured a feeling or mood that many people can probably relate to and for that, it's good writing. Sorry, more response than you probably wanted.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
dharma: while i appreciate the offer... Bad Thing... you would probably do rather well as a substitute, but that is beside the point. i barely know myself, but i do know that if i had the oportunity for any substitute i would take it. and that scares me. that i could be so weak that i would grab any hand offered, and in doing so belittle the feelings i have for her. but at the same time i wouldn't be able to give you the respect you deserved by letting me hold you. and I'd probably try to take things in directions that they shouldn't go, all in an attempt to cope with having to leave her alone. like i said, Bad Thing. It's best for everyone if i stay in my cell, at least for now.
but on the plus side, there is no reason i can't talk to all these nice people while i am safely isolated, which is ironic
hamster: i tend to have an easier time seeing my flaws then virtues, which in itself might be a flaw. and i know many people can relate to what i'm feeling, which in some ways makes it worse. in order to relate someone would have had to feel similarly, which means well, lets just say i can somewhat understand much of the self destructive behavior out there. doesn't mean i approve of it, just that i can see why someone might turn to drugs or alcohol or murder or any number of other things. as for more response then i wanted, very little of my life has been about what i want since she sent me away, i've grown somewhat used to it.
BlueDev/grins: no long comments/no long reply but thank you for the comment all the same.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

but i do know that if i had the oportunity for any substitute i would take it. and that scares me.

Why?  You are human....and humans need physical contact.  People underestimate just how important that is. 

As for belittling your feelings for her.....if you are with a friend, someone who honestly cares about how you feel, knows how you feel about her and respects that....then I think that would be a safe environment for you to let things out.  No belittling feelings anywhere, nothing going in any direction it shoudn't.

Unfortunately, I'm here and you are there and neither of us is going anywhere any time soon, so for now all I can offer is my cyber-shoulder and cyber arms.

My email address is on my blog page, and my yahoo IM ID is the same.  Feel free.....

Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
dharma: I could argue with you on this, but it would be silly of me. Your words, and the concern behind them, are appreciated.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

dharma: I could argue with you on this, but it would be silly of me.

No it wouldn't...do it!

I think you're an alright guy, Danny Bassette.

Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Is good of you to say that, I wasn't happy with my previous reply anyways.
Physically I'm 26, intellectually I'm 30 or some such, emotionally I'm 5. I very much need (want? not sure which) to feel loved. And should the opportunity present itself I suspect I would try to fill that need with physical affection. Which is what I meant by directions things shouldn't go. Which is why I say it is fortunate that I do not have any opportunities handy. Eventually I would hope I can move beyond this. I havn't always felt this in need of love, and in many situations I can hide it well. But whenever I deal with my feelings it's there. I need to be more emotionally stable on my own before I can ask anyone new to carry me. I don't want to hurt anyone else, and if that means I sit in my corner, so be it.
And of course I'm an alright guy (even if it is nice to hear it), if I wasn't we wouldn't be having this conversation. I would have done any number of Bad Things to her when she sent me away and either forced us together or got myself sent to jail. I struggle between the Love I feel for her, the Evil that I am, my sense of right and wrong, and who knows what else. Out of that I make the best choices I can with what I have to work with.
To qoute a pair of scary men: "I'll carve your heart out with a spoon. Why a spoon? Because it's dull, it'll hurt." But it wouldn't, it would end the pain. But life is pain, and life brings hope.
And as usual when I touch upon this subject, word count goes up, my sense that I am explaining myself goes down. Oh well, time to hit the post button all the same.