Skating on the edge
Falling into need
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JoeUser Forums
For so much of my life i have stood on my own two feet. Proudly and defiantly caring for myself and those entrusted to me. This is my way of life.
I can do without. I can scope down my "needs" to fit my budget. I can be content.
I can deny desire for material things and even emotional things to match what it is that i am able to produce on my own.
I can seek romantic relationships with the swagger of a man, and have a small success with it. Enough to get by.
When i shared a life with a partner for those many years, i still did my portion and then some extra. I pay my way. I help others. I think and do for myself. I take care of myself and others emotionally. I am a strong, tough woman who is still improving herself.
...
Now i face a challenge to my personal growth. There is a real possibility for me that i might be forming a permanent and lasting relationship with a man who doesn't want me to be "independent" in the same way i am use to being. I am forming a relationship with a man who wants (maybe even needs) to be needed.
I love easily and freely. My heart has an open and tender place for J that is large and secure. I have never had the good fortune to meet anyone like him before, and he may be all i want for all my tomorrows. Truly he is extraordinary, and i am so lucky to have found him. I love him passionately.
But falling into need... that is different... it isn't something i will be able to do easily or quickly. And when i do, it will be creating a weakness where none existed before. What is the payoff for that weakness? What are the risks of that exposure? What are the benefits?
...
In my mind's eye, i can see what i define as the perfect relationship. It involves mutual interdependence and a blurring of boundaries between individuals such that two actually become one.
This type of relationship would have two doing what they each do best and doing it for each other.
Two whose bests were different but mutually respected and maybe a bit mysterious (how can you do that so easily when it is so hard for me).
Two whose boundaries blurs so that your sorrow is mine and my happiness is yours (and visa versa).
Two who share their strengths and give each other their weakness so that they as a couple are transformed into a calm sanctuary in life's chaos.
...
I can see this with my mind and heart.
I can see laying down the burden of my loneliness in J's strong arms. I can see him laying down his burden of loneliness likewise.
I can see wearing a protective layer of his tender care around me. I can see him wearing the armor of my amour... but really all i can offer him is love and companionship.
What can he depend on me for but that? He is fully capable of taking care of himself much better than i can take care of myself in the practical ways of life (money, cooking, laundry, and etc). I hope my gift will be enough for him... I hope this will unfold as i can see it might. I hope he will not find me to be a burden, unworthy of his gifts in return.
...
What i don't know how to do, is how to allow myself to "need" him. How do you let go control? If you need someone, don't they control you? Part of me yearns to give up control, and part of me trembles at the very concept.
I have been working recently in my life to give up control to God's will, to let events take their course and not push, cajole, and persuade the world around to my will. It hasn't been an easy task. Now, I'm thinking about eventually giving some of that lessened control over to another person... It is an emotional wrestling match indeed. Thank goodness it doesn't have to happen in an all-fired rush.
Needing is harder to do and far scarier than loving.
I can do without. I can scope down my "needs" to fit my budget. I can be content.
I can deny desire for material things and even emotional things to match what it is that i am able to produce on my own.
I can seek romantic relationships with the swagger of a man, and have a small success with it. Enough to get by.
When i shared a life with a partner for those many years, i still did my portion and then some extra. I pay my way. I help others. I think and do for myself. I take care of myself and others emotionally. I am a strong, tough woman who is still improving herself.
...
Now i face a challenge to my personal growth. There is a real possibility for me that i might be forming a permanent and lasting relationship with a man who doesn't want me to be "independent" in the same way i am use to being. I am forming a relationship with a man who wants (maybe even needs) to be needed.
I love easily and freely. My heart has an open and tender place for J that is large and secure. I have never had the good fortune to meet anyone like him before, and he may be all i want for all my tomorrows. Truly he is extraordinary, and i am so lucky to have found him. I love him passionately.
But falling into need... that is different... it isn't something i will be able to do easily or quickly. And when i do, it will be creating a weakness where none existed before. What is the payoff for that weakness? What are the risks of that exposure? What are the benefits?
...
In my mind's eye, i can see what i define as the perfect relationship. It involves mutual interdependence and a blurring of boundaries between individuals such that two actually become one.
This type of relationship would have two doing what they each do best and doing it for each other.
Two whose bests were different but mutually respected and maybe a bit mysterious (how can you do that so easily when it is so hard for me).
Two whose boundaries blurs so that your sorrow is mine and my happiness is yours (and visa versa).
Two who share their strengths and give each other their weakness so that they as a couple are transformed into a calm sanctuary in life's chaos.
...
I can see this with my mind and heart.
I can see laying down the burden of my loneliness in J's strong arms. I can see him laying down his burden of loneliness likewise.
I can see wearing a protective layer of his tender care around me. I can see him wearing the armor of my amour... but really all i can offer him is love and companionship.
What can he depend on me for but that? He is fully capable of taking care of himself much better than i can take care of myself in the practical ways of life (money, cooking, laundry, and etc). I hope my gift will be enough for him... I hope this will unfold as i can see it might. I hope he will not find me to be a burden, unworthy of his gifts in return.
...
What i don't know how to do, is how to allow myself to "need" him. How do you let go control? If you need someone, don't they control you? Part of me yearns to give up control, and part of me trembles at the very concept.
I have been working recently in my life to give up control to God's will, to let events take their course and not push, cajole, and persuade the world around to my will. It hasn't been an easy task. Now, I'm thinking about eventually giving some of that lessened control over to another person... It is an emotional wrestling match indeed. Thank goodness it doesn't have to happen in an all-fired rush.
Needing is harder to do and far scarier than loving.
