Zapp Brannigan interviews Vladimir Khrunov, Commander of the "Inquisition", Marza Dreadnought

ZAPP: Well, no need for formalities here.  I'm a Level 10 Battleship Commander.  What are you?  I don't even want to shake your hand.

VLADIMIR:  What? Good god, what are you wearing?  I can smell your ballsweat!

ZAPP: Consider it a privilege, Commander. Seven out of ten aliens die with the first whiff... I mean, the unsexy non-female ones, that is.

VLADIMIR:  Why are you bothering me at breaktime?

ZAPP:  In space, Commander, there is no said 'breaktime'.  There are star systems to conquer, planets to crush, indigenous alien women to enslave.  In between it all, I occasionally retire to my gold-lined bathtub and take a steaming, sensual bath... with my underlings standing beside me serving me breakfast.

VLADIMIR:  State your business here.

ZAPP:  A little touchy today, are we?  I was given the humiliating task of interviewing a lesser officer.  Well, let's make this quick and snappy.

vLADIMIR:  What are you interviewing me about?

ZAPP:  It's an interview, don't ask questions.

VLADIMIR:  (No response)

ZAPP:  You seem to be the uncooperative type, Commander.  I don't like your type.

VLADIMIR:  Well, what do you like?

ZAPP:  I enjoy watching my female contingents embark on deadly suicide missions.

VLADIMIR:  Last I checked they didn't allow females in the military.  They must've made an exception for you.

ZAPP:  Ah, subtle use of a pun.  The insolent fool's last resort.

VLADIMIR:  That was sarcasm, not a pun.

ZAPP:  Quiet Commander!  I'll do the interrogating here.

VLADIMIR:  I thought this was an interview?

ZAPP:  It's whatever I want it to be.  Learn to bend the rules, and the rules will bend to you.  Bend 45 degrees, then 90 degrees, oh she will squirm.

VLADIMIR:  She?  What?

ZAPP:  You haven't had much experience in the field, have you Commander?  I should have you demoted at once.

VLADIMIR:  Why do you keep calling me Commander?

ZAPP:  Fine, I'll call you the Captain's Cook.

VLADIMIR:  I AM the Captain's Cook.  The Commander is upstairs taking a luxurious bath with his underlings standing beside him serving him breakfast.

ZAPP:  Damn!  Fooled yet again with a simple lie.  I commend him on his effort, and I admit defeat.  Well, time to abandon ship.  Where is the escape pod, underling?

VLADIMIR:  There are no escape pods on this ship.  Everyone dies at the same time, when our Hull HP reaches zero.

ZAPP:  Underling, your technical jargon confuses and upsets me.  And... I can't stop looking at that hideous scar on your face.  How could you let that happen to yourself, soldier?

VLADIMIR:  Well, we were under attack by a Vasari fleet, and as I rushed to go hide in the closet, I tripped, my shoe flew off, and at that instant, the ship's artificial gravity malfunctioned and somehow my shoe flew in an arc, came back around and hit me in the face.  I got a pretty severe nosebleed.

ZAPP:  Well, obviously your first mistake was wearing that shoe in the first place.  In my ship, we only wear the finest boots made of only the most sensual velour.

VLADIMIR:  Is your miniskirt also made of velour?

ZAPP:  Who wants to know?

VLADIMIR:  I think I'm going to leave now.

ZAPP:  Good, I didn't want to talk to you anyway.  Don't forget, it was I who crushed the Infant Rebellion on Planet Maternity Ward, it was I who exterminated the Hostile Ant Colony on Zoid 10, it was I who successfully applied a Band-Aid to a minor scrape on my left shoulder in the heat of battle on Easter Island.  You shouldn't be allowed the privilege of groveling at my left toenail.

VLADIMIR:  Good day to you, sir.  By the way, you should get yourself checked out.

ZAPP:  I do, soldier, more often than you realize.