Not an Atheist, but a Realist

I am on a continual journey of self-discovery and growth through reading (from the bible, from devotionals, from literature (both nonfiction and fiction)), through listening (to others and their experiences, through family and friends, through sermons in church and online, through counseling), through writing (out of my own thoughts and experiences, out of my own reflection), and speaking (with my wife, with family and friends, with others). I believe that growing and stretching my faith through these avenues are healthy, and I believe that I can question God and seek His truth through my questioning. I no longer believe that I must accept everything on blind faith, and I believe that it is okay to challenge and seek His truth through all of these avenues.
 
I am not anti-church. I have been severely burned by the church in a couple of ways...from a belief system that (in MY perception) emphasized fear, guilt, and shame in my formative years to my adulthood in which a number of people whom I supported, encouraged, nurtured, and loved turned their backs on me rather than reaching out to me when I was going through the process of divorce...granted, a few people did reach out to me (some of whom I trusted and let them, and some of whom I did not trust and I did not let them). But many more did not (and many of those were people whom I had called close to me). I was shut out and cast me away with their comments (in emails and phone calls I received as well as in conversation), with their looks, and with their treatment of me in their presence.

And why? I had not brought harm to them. I recognize the harm that my choices caused in the lives of those in my family, and I recognize that through divorce, there exists a separation not between just two people, but between two families. I recognize that my choices and my methods of handling the situation were not the best means to handle the situation, and I’ve confessed such, and attempted to make amends. But I also recognize that I was not the only one responsible for the situation and how it came to be, and I realize that I cannot be take sole responsibility for admission/confession, acceptance, and action for making amends. But, to those to whom I previously referred within the church, I did not do anything to them personally so, I do not understand why they judged and condemned, for the bible clearly states that it is no one’s place to judge another. Yet, it occurred…and/but, I lived through it. 
 
Those charred remains have not left me an atheist, but a realist. I understand that the church is made up of a group of people, which is a group of imperfect people who will do and say things that are often well-intentioned but not well said or welcome (and sometimes harmful, destructive, and/or judgmental and condemning). At the same time, I recognize that there are good people who do model Christ in what they do and say.
 
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. And I believe that all live within me, and I believe that because I've accepted these as truths, I am one that Christ calls His own. I once believed I had to do more. I believed that I had to do other things to obtain His approval or acceptance, but the bottom line is that the Bible clearly says that if you believe and accept that you are saved. I am saved.
  
Despite the fact that I am saved, I don't believe that God expects me to walk around with a “smile on my face and a song in my heart” at all times and at all costs so that others see me as “set apart” through smiles and clichés (or Christianese) for I believe that others see that as disingenuous or as an impossible standard…at least I do. I believe that others need to see my struggles and my honesty with those struggles. I think others need to see that I've all fallen short, and that I can express what I've learned through those experiences, and how I grew (or am growing) from them. Part of that growing process is that I no longer berate myself up for not being perfect nor do I accept such from others who have that expectation of me. I no longer beat myself up for thinking that I have to be positive all the time, even when I don't feel positive. I celebrate the times I feel positive, but I allow myself to not to force myself to be positive when I’m not feeling positive. This is something that I had to truly unlearn and relearn. In my past, I was corrected if I said a curse word, or I was put-down if I felt down...but I’ve learned that I can accept that I'm going to have bad days, and when I'm frustrated, sometimes I curse, or I say negative things...but my wife, for whom I am so very grateful, validates me and allows me to feel that way, and she encourages me by speaking truth to me...sometimes by reminding me that feelings are not facts...sometimes by reminding me that some days just suck and the only thing that makes it better is another day...etc. She's helped me recognize that I am not expected to be Superman...just human.
  
I appreciate those in my life who’ve demonstrated a willingness to understand and allow me to feel this way and to grow through this process, for that is what I am doing...growing.
 
I know that because despite the things I've done or encountered in life, I have a foundation that is solid. I wouldn't trade any of my experiences that I've encountered in my life, for they have made me who I am today, and while I'm not proud of the way I've handled every situation I've encountered, I am proud of who I am, and I accept who I am based upon those experiences, both the good and the bad.  

I no longer think that life has to be either/or. I think a balance is critical in my well-being. Thus, sometimes I take life serious...I hold down a job and serve to the best of my ability...I parent my children to the best of my ability...and I love and honor my wife to the best of my ability. Sometimes, I let loose…I may have a drink, or I may go to a party, or I may go dancing, or I may get on stage and sing or act a fool (to the best of my ability).

I see life as a clock with a swinging pendulum. I believe that the best place for me is to be is right in the middle...not too far to the right or not too far to the left. I believe that a balance in life helps to maintain me in the middle...some work...some play...some joy...some sadness...some successes...some failures...some seriousness...some fun.
 
Sometimes I pray...sometimes I curse...sometimes I curse in prayer (which is one reason why I liked the book, The Shack by William P. Young...I can identify with the main character who said damn and son-of-a-bitch in Jesus' presence). I used to think that I had to pray a certain way...I recall thinking that I had to pray in a formula...I recall thinking I had to pray a parallel to the Lord's Prayer updated with the things of the day or it wouldn't be a prayer worthy of God hearing it. Now, I don't believe that to be true. I think I can pray as if I am talking to my father (and sometimes I say in prayer, "I'm thankful I have a job, but sometimes it sucks." or "I hate Mondays, and/but...") and I find more freedom and desire to pray when I see it as such.

Sometimes when I get on my soapbox or challenge a certain way of thinking, I feel it makes others uncomfortable. I don't intend to do so. I don't think my way is the right way, but it is for me.

In life, I believe some are called to minister to children/youth, some to prisoners, some to the homeless, some to other countries/cultures, some to broken people (from divorce, or alcoholism, or death (such as the loss of a loved one), etc., etc., etc.). We are all gifted in different areas and I believe that we should serve in the capacity in which we've been gifted and/or called. For years, I felt as if I had to serve in every capacity in which I was asked to serve, whether I felt called or not, and more than often, I served out of guilt, not out of a calling. I no longer believe that there exists a hierarchy of service (where certain areas of service move you "up the ladder" to Heaven), but I believe that God uses us where we are to minister to those to whom we're called to minister.

I do not think any longer that I have to be at church every time the doors are open, and I do not believe that I have to serve in every ministry in which I am asked. I do not believe that I have to earn God's favor. I believe that God calls us to serve Him, and that as a believer, He longs for us to use the gifts He has given to us to honor and serve Him. But, I do not believe that we have to confine this within a box that is defined by the church. I believe that while church ministries are important, God can use us to minister in ways outside of the children's/youth ministry, the Sunday School ministry, the witnessing door-to-door ministry, the parking ministry, the deacon ministry, etc., etc., etc. I believe that God can use us to minister to others through our story...or by allowing our “misery to become our ministry.”

I'm not perfect (and I'm okay with that now); but I am trying to be the best husband, father, son, brother, brother-in-law, family member, friend, co-worker, etc. that I can be.