Blindly walking
*note, don't take this to literally*
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Do you ever feel used? Like you are completely blinded by wanting things to be so perfect. That you ignore all the signs that they aren't perfect. Because the thought of them not being what you built them up in your head to be is just to difficult to accept. I sometimes wonder if because I think about things so much that during the thought process they get changed ever so slightly. That I turn them so many ways, that eventually I lose sight of what direction they should be going in. I'm sat here with an empty feeling in my stomach, and I don't really know why. I think that I have maybe deluded myself about so many things. Invested my feelings in someone that is completely pointless. Them as a person, not pointless. Them as a love interest, pointless. There is something you need to understand about me, I don't give my feelings away easily. I don't meet someone and the next day they have my heart. It doesn't work like that, at all. It never will. If anything I think I would prefer not to give it away. To keep it safely in a box where no one can touch it, or hurt it, or break it. That would be easy. No feeling.
I've fooled myself. I know I have. I feel it now. That I have fooled myself into thinking this man is something he's not. That he can give me his heart, when he can't. That he can be honest with me, when he can't. That I have all these issues that make me just want to cry, and he doesn't know. Because no matter how much I want to be, I'm not in his life. He doesn't have to care. He has a life of his own that he gets on with. That doesn't involve me and I will never be a part of. I wonder when someone becomes significant enough to you that they are your world? I wonder how you know? I don't think you do. I think it just happens. That one day you wake up, and your life is no longer your own. It belongs to someone else. They have made such an impact on you, that your head is filled with them. Is that love then? When someone becomes your world. I'm no ones world. I would like to be, but I'm not.
So what am I to someone? Ahhh the tough question, if only I knew that. Sitting here, feeling the way I do at the moment, I would say nothing. That isn't me on a self pity mission. It's me facing facts. Imagine this. You like someone. They make you smile. They take your mind off things. Does that mean they mean anything to you? Of course. It doesn't mean, they mean everything to you. Light relief. It keeps coming back to haunt me. That's what I am. Because I'm not part of the daily grind. Because I don't matter. I can be that. The person you call on when you need some space. Someone to laugh with. That's all I am though. I know that. So why do I keep doing it to myself.
He thinks he can turn my feelings off. Just make me stop feeling. If that's what I really want. I don't want to be like him though. I'm not happy, not caring. Even if it hurts, even if it makes me cry. I'd rather care. That's just how I am. I'm sure he could make me hate him. I don't doubt that. He couldn't stop me caring though. He couldn't press that switch for me, I would have to do that. I don't know what to do. I'm walking a blind path, and I feel worthless. What do you do when it hurts, and you think you're nothing to someone. Carry on blindly caring, or walk away? Answers on a postcard.
I've fooled myself. I know I have. I feel it now. That I have fooled myself into thinking this man is something he's not. That he can give me his heart, when he can't. That he can be honest with me, when he can't. That I have all these issues that make me just want to cry, and he doesn't know. Because no matter how much I want to be, I'm not in his life. He doesn't have to care. He has a life of his own that he gets on with. That doesn't involve me and I will never be a part of. I wonder when someone becomes significant enough to you that they are your world? I wonder how you know? I don't think you do. I think it just happens. That one day you wake up, and your life is no longer your own. It belongs to someone else. They have made such an impact on you, that your head is filled with them. Is that love then? When someone becomes your world. I'm no ones world. I would like to be, but I'm not.
So what am I to someone? Ahhh the tough question, if only I knew that. Sitting here, feeling the way I do at the moment, I would say nothing. That isn't me on a self pity mission. It's me facing facts. Imagine this. You like someone. They make you smile. They take your mind off things. Does that mean they mean anything to you? Of course. It doesn't mean, they mean everything to you. Light relief. It keeps coming back to haunt me. That's what I am. Because I'm not part of the daily grind. Because I don't matter. I can be that. The person you call on when you need some space. Someone to laugh with. That's all I am though. I know that. So why do I keep doing it to myself.
He thinks he can turn my feelings off. Just make me stop feeling. If that's what I really want. I don't want to be like him though. I'm not happy, not caring. Even if it hurts, even if it makes me cry. I'd rather care. That's just how I am. I'm sure he could make me hate him. I don't doubt that. He couldn't stop me caring though. He couldn't press that switch for me, I would have to do that. I don't know what to do. I'm walking a blind path, and I feel worthless. What do you do when it hurts, and you think you're nothing to someone. Carry on blindly caring, or walk away? Answers on a postcard.
