Angry With Myself
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Right now, as I'm headed into my third week of unemployment (unprecedented for me), I can't help but feel a little angry with myself.
In a time that seems so long ago, I was a good scholar. My 3.2 grade level belied the fact that I was capable of far much more. And both I and my teachers knew it. Then, following high school, I hit the skids. I was DQ'ed in my attempt to join the army to pay my way through college, and that was an absolutely crushing blow to my ego (being rejected by the Army is considered by many people to be pretty pathetic). It led to a summer that was just a continual downward spiral and my incarceration. But I persevered through that, and took a couple of years of college. I got derailed from that by what I would learn later is basically a pretty potent combination of attention deficit disorder and a horrid social phobia that pops up and absolutely cripples me from time to time. While both are potentially treatable, I have seen the effect that medications for similar conditions have done to my dad (he's 58 years old, and basically the side effects of the meds have left him with symptoms that are usually more associated with advanced Alzheimer's...pretty much nobody can stand being around him anymore), and, frankly, they horrify me.
I think about what could have been, what should have been, and the "potential" I had when I was younger, and I'm quite frustrated with what I've become. While it's true that it's only in my power to change it, that's pretty hard to do when the more pressing need to care for your family takes priority over pursuing your dreams.
By the way, these aren't excuses, this is just your average everyday rant.
signing off,
Gideon MacLeish
In a time that seems so long ago, I was a good scholar. My 3.2 grade level belied the fact that I was capable of far much more. And both I and my teachers knew it. Then, following high school, I hit the skids. I was DQ'ed in my attempt to join the army to pay my way through college, and that was an absolutely crushing blow to my ego (being rejected by the Army is considered by many people to be pretty pathetic). It led to a summer that was just a continual downward spiral and my incarceration. But I persevered through that, and took a couple of years of college. I got derailed from that by what I would learn later is basically a pretty potent combination of attention deficit disorder and a horrid social phobia that pops up and absolutely cripples me from time to time. While both are potentially treatable, I have seen the effect that medications for similar conditions have done to my dad (he's 58 years old, and basically the side effects of the meds have left him with symptoms that are usually more associated with advanced Alzheimer's...pretty much nobody can stand being around him anymore), and, frankly, they horrify me.
I think about what could have been, what should have been, and the "potential" I had when I was younger, and I'm quite frustrated with what I've become. While it's true that it's only in my power to change it, that's pretty hard to do when the more pressing need to care for your family takes priority over pursuing your dreams.
By the way, these aren't excuses, this is just your average everyday rant.
signing off,
Gideon MacLeish
