Flying through cyberspace in the SS. Anonymity

Battling self-censorship

from JoeUser Forums
What to do when the job of your dreams all of a sudden becomes quite dull and boring?

And so, she turned to her blog - but as she did, out of the corner of her eye she spied a colleague. Damn, she thought, no time to subtley click this window away. Damn and shit and blast and wank. She turned her head to see her peer next to her, leaning over the fax machine. And of course, it wasn't just any blog, oh no. It had to be a 'my job is dull and boring blog' - please don't let her be able to read my screen, please, please, please. (damn my metal body, I just wasn't fast enough).

Panic over. She's gone and I've figured fu*k it.

I should regard this as a lesson and get on with some work, but I'll be buggered if I'm in the mood for that.

Speaking of buggered up moods - I'm driving down south after work, a six hour journey with a shite destination (a city I hate and my boyfriends parents) ugh. I like his mother, but his dad sems to always talk about things which I hold dear to my heart - except that he almost always has the opposite opinion to me on all these things and boy does he love to argue (personally, I find disagreeing with your boyfreinds dad really shitty) added to which he's always trying to mindmelt my bf. There's always some guilt trip he can lay, some new way his son's life is making him ill with stress and worry blah de blah blah. I guess he's just a bit of a know-it-all.

And as for the destination, well I lived for several years in a town just outside of the city that we're travelling to tonight - and I left the region nearly two years ago with a bad taste in my mouth. The placed really fucked me up (am I allowed to swear on JU?). I'd tell you were this place was - but I love the safety of anonymity too much. I feel much more free to write and to express myself knowing that no-one has a buggering clue who I am or where I come from etc etc.

I find myself, in day to day life, censoring myself. I used to be much more aware of the process, but now it seems to happen naturally, subconsciously even. I don't know if this means that I'm a better person for it, or if I've just 'dumbed myself down'.

I've always watched what I've said out loud, or written or drawn - we all have. But even in my diaries I was careful. How ironic that a world wide web which the whole world has access to offers me more anonymity than my own diary stashed away beneath my writing desk!

I can't remember too well, but in my fuzzy head I recall some conversation in Naked Lunch about censoring not just your words on the page, but the thoughts as they form in your own head. I think I became so guilty of that, that I was punished by having my whole awareness of the process taken away from me. Like I said, I seem to do it naturally now - or maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just more superficial than I used to be, more sheep like - maybe I conform better than I did before. God, how depressing - I'm ready for my sheep dog and white picket fence (not to mention the slippers).

BrokenBeauty's articles have been interesting me, because of his honesty - he mixes the topics of sucking cock and worshipping god in the same sentence and I wish I had the courage to do that. I used to say crazy shit to my friends - but only really about sex which I've always found insanely easy to talk about. But if you asked me my opinion about class systems, racial tensions, global inequality, teenage pregnancy, religion and war, peadophile priests etc - then that's when the filter crashes down and locks into place over my mind and Ms. Diplomacy steps to the fore with one arm bent behind her with shield in hand to deflect my wild and crazy thoughts, gut reactions and personal experiences all riccocheting off the metal and back into my head - whilst out front, leading with the shining sword in her clenched fist she swipes and parries with understanding and false empathy and zen calm.

And after all that, I have left myself with fuck all to write. How do I proceed from here? I am truly excited about this blog, I can't wait to see how it develops and where it takes me. And it's fascinating searching through other peoples articles and the differing opinions, ranges of expression and reasons for blogging. But the best thing of all, is getting a response to something you've written - making a connection. Especially, if you laid yourself bare in a way you feel unable to do in the world outside of cyberspace.
welcome
1,034 views 3 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
except that he almost always has the opposite opinion to me on all these things and boy does he love to argue

Thats an easy one, just dont respond. Let me guess, when you argue with this guy you are trying to convince him to change an opinion, is that right? Well I dont have much to go on but he sounds fairly opinionated and you will never change his opinion. What you need to do is play a 'dea bat' as they say in cricket, what I mean is when he throws out something where he wants to pick an argument just go back with something so bland that he cant argue against it. You dont have to agree with him but you also dont have to give oxygen to his fire either.
Hope you enjoy the trip more than you expect to....
[quoteHow do I proceed from here?
What I would do if I were you is to start another account here at JU under a different identity and use it express that side of yourself that you are repressing.....let your inhibitions go and be outrageous, after all you are anonymous, no one has any idea of who you really are. Then you've got one account for the reasonable you and another account for your alter ego.....when you are on the other account try and take on the personality of that alter ego, just act it out to start with but after a while I think it will come naturally. I reckon it can be a great way of developing your 'other side.' just dont let on either account that the other one is related.

But if you do, I would love to know how it goes.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
I can understand why some people feel the need to censor themselves for the sake of avoiding confrontaion or to be accepted. I also understand how the net gives them the chance to get outside of that by being annonymous.

I am pretty much the same here as I am in real life. I rarely censor myself in either place. Yes, I do choose my words. I do so more for the sake of accurate communication of ideas than to avoid conflict or embarassment.

This is probably why I just use my real name here. I speak as freely face to face as I do in cyberspace. Actually sometimes more so as here I have more time to reflect upon my choice of words and use the backspace key.

If you don't believe me, ask my little brother marc mullins who also keeps a blog here. I'm sure he'll be more than happy to tell you just how blunt I can be lol

Seriously, this is a great medium to get all of those bottled up thoughts and feelings out of yourself without any real fear of reprisals.
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
I love the idea of a seperate account for my alter-ego... hmmm, what name will I give myself????

The trip went worse than I could have imagined. I didn't rise to any of his dads nonsense comments, but I did get stuck in a hotel room whilst the said dad gave his son (my bf) a bollocking for his most recent cock-up. Why the hell I got dragged into it I have no idea. I just wanted to stand up and speak on my bf's defence (cause his dad was out of line on several points), but the whole experience was so overwhelming I could hardly talk. I got a few comments out, but nothing that actually helped his dad to understand that he was responsible for alot of the shit that his son has to deal with. Anyhoo, it was not a good day to be in the middle of WWIII, what with the strain on my bf and I at the moment (see the Dr. jeckyll and Mr. Hyde article), and long story short - he and I nearly split for good. But then, out of knowhere, my bf started to open up and tell me how he felt about alot of the shit that we're going through. So, it looks like we're going to give ourselves more time - but not empty time, we're going to talk a hell of alot more. Or more to the point, he's going to think alot more, and ask harder questions of himself rather than just blocking everything out of his consciousness. because he knows that if he doesn't start letting me in (by helping me to understand him) then I'm going to get away.

This has turned into a long reply....