CLUB27 :Dying Young
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JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
" Today I do not even dare to reproach myself. Shouted into this empty day, it would have a disgusting echo "
Im 26 , soon going to be 27 and Life seems so meaningless...what would ya do when u feel every breath is a waste ...nothin matters anymore...M[my best friend's[N] hubby-my flatmates] commented that when ya stop feelin or thinkin either ya have achieved nirvana or ya r plain insensitive .I m nt sure which is my category.I dont care.It started the the morning when i came home and found the door to be locked outside by M, with N inside.... it was a cold winter morning...and i didnt had my keys with me.N got concerned but couldnot do anything...she slipped thin blanket under the door....and after ranting n getting impatient for sometime...i kinda settled down,it was so damn cold.. n i was sleepy after the graveyard shift at work.I was just too tired to stand n wait , so i wraped the blanket n sat down.Well , when u got nothin to do your brain kinda ticks too fast.Slowly.. things from past..present and the uncertain future started to roll over...and i found myself staring myself at my mobile phone...high-heeled expensive boots ,good smart clothes..i could even smell the expensive perfume...and wondering:aw..allrite my life is getting better...atleast better than last few years ,the money is good...im more independent...and hell i m dating real cute guy !i found myself sitting there with this stupid childish grin but soon the other side of the story fell flat on my face.I was so homesick....im away from the people i love most...clothes are never enuff... n im not even sure whether theres anything solid going on between that guy & me !.And i began to wonder if im really content or atleast happy in life....i mean..in general..im where i was for the past 'few' years.And all the material gains have not really bought any major choice to my days....at that moment all i wanted to do was to leave everything and run to some distant place like some monastry ... next i came to llife when M returned with the keys... n woke me up... looks like i fell asleep while plotting to run away to some monastry !!
Life went on..... yet the realisation kinda stayed with me.I have alwayz been a little too sensitive and hopefull much to the discomfort to some "realistic" people.I have been many thing to many people:introvert female , extrovert gal , sentimental, optimistic, feminist ,dreamy, uptight,fun,frigid-sexwise....and mostly people couldnot belive im yet to be kissed @26 ! Do u think so too ??? no ?okeh now b honest!LOL .Different people had different images.. does it mean im a fake or i was not being myself true to eachone of them ...i donot think so.
I alwayz had a strong set of very intimate friends...and alwayz took pride in this fact that i have what it takes to maintain a relationship... someone all my friends can depend on...vice-versa.I mean this was one of the few things which was so very important to me... and when it started to fall apart....one by one...time 2 time... i thought about it deeply...and tried to make sense out of it...to understand that it has not really been my fault...i gave it one last try... another last try , but things just didnot work out.I know it was not my fault...and that i did tried however, i found some part of me being torn away...like it was a waste...all those years...man! its a waste of time... emotion n love.
At this moment in my life.... nothing is worth fighting...yes it is true that even today i would like to stand up or sit quiet to give peace a chance.. all these happenings around... i mean , damnit ! its 21st century and we are still fighting like some primitive-fight -for-yr-life thing...! as if theres not enuff miseary in life itself !! that really drives me crazy.....and really really mad.I feel the anger, disillusionment inside me....its been so profound now... i prefer to sit quiet.Even thou i may have become some still-not-doing-anythin-about-it flesh.. i can not help myself spitting fire when i see those pictures of children holding guns,running around with such fear & ripped innocence in their eyes....to see...so many young soldiers dying for a lost cause .....the loss is unforgivable .I mean a sudden burst of a ballon is enuff to make everyone shocked n troubled for few seconds , imagine how it is to live a life where all u see around is gun fighting...killings...blood...n sometimes some occasional horrible bomb dropping jets.That is im sure quite LOUD to turn ya into a complete wacko overnite .Atleast i would go crazy....and those who thinks they wont...wait for another bomb .
[ Some deny the existence of misery by pointing to the sun; he denies the existence of the sun by pointing to miseary ]
After numerous mails to R[he is my net friend-a good pal] i finally got a reply , telling me that he is going under depression & something like anxiety disorder.I was numb for sometime..wondering what to write...i was looking desperately for words that would comfort him..give him hope and i searched desperately inside my hollow heart to find words that would atleast make some sense...now for people who dont know me that well : my most 'serious' love interest happens to be with a guy i met online...which ofcourse all my friends have discarded as 'heights-of-internet-user' ... well ,ummm .Ok..anyway , coming back to R... i did sent him a reply mail..wid watever thoughts i could gather at that moment...i wanted so much to support him... n to let him know how wonderful a person i think he is... and that theres more to life than career disappointments and pressures.... i drove myself hard to the point where i could not think of anythin better to think or write... and im tired now. I still want to help him.....but not sure if its making any difference to him at all.I mean... i have been depressed in my past ..i didnt really had the patience to sit back n listen to nice-nice talks....only thing i wanted was to be left alone.. close my eyes n feel the walls closing on me.
I have Kurt Cobain's image on my desktop....when i first saw his pictures n read about him... i felt such a waste! why would anyone want to kill himselg @27 when everythin is going so good in his life....?? but somehow in some weird way ..im begining to see him in a totally different way , i still dont totally agree with him....nor do i connect with him...but in a strange way ...i find myself standing on the same way as he was before he killed himself....suicide afterall is not for meeks , it doesnot sound too bad after all...i know its not an act of cowardice [thats wat i used to perceive it as ]Its definately not because i can not take the misearies anymore... its more because i want to free my soul... i see a way to acheive complete freedom .Im not glorifying what he did....im NOT glorifyin Suicide... its just another way to die : and die we all must, someway or the other.After all in the end we all are nothing but dust in the wind.
[ Tried so hard---And got so far ,But in the end....it doesn’t even matter.I had to fall..To lose it all,But in the end It doesn’t evematter- lp]
Im joining the CLUB27 : i think 26 or 26 1/2 is just about good many years to be alive.
«Beyond a certain point there is no return. This point has to be reached.»
Life went on..... yet the realisation kinda stayed with me.I have alwayz been a little too sensitive and hopefull much to the discomfort to some "realistic" people.I have been many thing to many people:introvert female , extrovert gal , sentimental, optimistic, feminist ,dreamy, uptight,fun,frigid-sexwise....and mostly people couldnot belive im yet to be kissed @26 ! Do u think so too ??? no ?okeh now b honest!LOL .Different people had different images.. does it mean im a fake or i was not being myself true to eachone of them ...i donot think so.
I alwayz had a strong set of very intimate friends...and alwayz took pride in this fact that i have what it takes to maintain a relationship... someone all my friends can depend on...vice-versa.I mean this was one of the few things which was so very important to me... and when it started to fall apart....one by one...time 2 time... i thought about it deeply...and tried to make sense out of it...to understand that it has not really been my fault...i gave it one last try... another last try , but things just didnot work out.I know it was not my fault...and that i did tried however, i found some part of me being torn away...like it was a waste...all those years...man! its a waste of time... emotion n love.
At this moment in my life.... nothing is worth fighting...yes it is true that even today i would like to stand up or sit quiet to give peace a chance.. all these happenings around... i mean , damnit ! its 21st century and we are still fighting like some primitive-fight -for-yr-life thing...! as if theres not enuff miseary in life itself !! that really drives me crazy.....and really really mad.I feel the anger, disillusionment inside me....its been so profound now... i prefer to sit quiet.Even thou i may have become some still-not-doing-anythin-about-it flesh.. i can not help myself spitting fire when i see those pictures of children holding guns,running around with such fear & ripped innocence in their eyes....to see...so many young soldiers dying for a lost cause .....the loss is unforgivable .I mean a sudden burst of a ballon is enuff to make everyone shocked n troubled for few seconds , imagine how it is to live a life where all u see around is gun fighting...killings...blood...n sometimes some occasional horrible bomb dropping jets.That is im sure quite LOUD to turn ya into a complete wacko overnite .Atleast i would go crazy....and those who thinks they wont...wait for another bomb .
[ Some deny the existence of misery by pointing to the sun; he denies the existence of the sun by pointing to miseary ]
After numerous mails to R[he is my net friend-a good pal] i finally got a reply , telling me that he is going under depression & something like anxiety disorder.I was numb for sometime..wondering what to write...i was looking desperately for words that would comfort him..give him hope and i searched desperately inside my hollow heart to find words that would atleast make some sense...now for people who dont know me that well : my most 'serious' love interest happens to be with a guy i met online...which ofcourse all my friends have discarded as 'heights-of-internet-user' ... well ,ummm .Ok..anyway , coming back to R... i did sent him a reply mail..wid watever thoughts i could gather at that moment...i wanted so much to support him... n to let him know how wonderful a person i think he is... and that theres more to life than career disappointments and pressures.... i drove myself hard to the point where i could not think of anythin better to think or write... and im tired now. I still want to help him.....but not sure if its making any difference to him at all.I mean... i have been depressed in my past ..i didnt really had the patience to sit back n listen to nice-nice talks....only thing i wanted was to be left alone.. close my eyes n feel the walls closing on me.
I have Kurt Cobain's image on my desktop....when i first saw his pictures n read about him... i felt such a waste! why would anyone want to kill himselg @27 when everythin is going so good in his life....?? but somehow in some weird way ..im begining to see him in a totally different way , i still dont totally agree with him....nor do i connect with him...but in a strange way ...i find myself standing on the same way as he was before he killed himself....suicide afterall is not for meeks , it doesnot sound too bad after all...i know its not an act of cowardice [thats wat i used to perceive it as ]Its definately not because i can not take the misearies anymore... its more because i want to free my soul... i see a way to acheive complete freedom .Im not glorifying what he did....im NOT glorifyin Suicide... its just another way to die : and die we all must, someway or the other.After all in the end we all are nothing but dust in the wind.
[ Tried so hard---And got so far ,But in the end....it doesn’t even matter.I had to fall..To lose it all,But in the end It doesn’t evematter- lp]
Im joining the CLUB27 : i think 26 or 26 1/2 is just about good many years to be alive.
«Beyond a certain point there is no return. This point has to be reached.»