moo.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Stages of Drunkeness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Spike did that already...

"Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite"

Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a month?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
I think you won't.
Yes, I will.




Knock, knock!
Who's there?
See? You've forgotten me already!

Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

VW bug

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley

The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have.
-- Leonard Nimoy

A feeble body weakens the mind.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Absolute silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

All of my misfortunes come from having thought too well of my fellows.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Although modesty is natural to man, it is not natural to children. Modesty only begins with the knowledge of evil.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Base souls have no faith in great individuals.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Childhood is the sleep of reason.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Every man has a right to risk his own life for the preservation of it.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Falsehood has an infinity of combinations, but truth has only one mode of being.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Fame is but the breath of people, and that often unwholesome.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Force does not constitute right... obedience is due only to legitimate powers.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Free people, remember this maxim: we may acquire liberty, but it is never recovered if it is once lost.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Gratitude is a duty which ought to be paid, but which none have a right to expect.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Heroes are not known by the loftiness of their carriage; the greatest braggarts are generally the merest cowards.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

How many famous and high-spirited heroes have lived a day too long?
Jean Jacques Rousseau

However great a man's natural talent may be, the act of writing cannot be learned all at once.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

I hate books; they only teach us to talk about things we know nothing about.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

I have always said and felt that true enjoyment can not be described.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

It is too difficult to think nobly when one thinks only of earning a living.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

It is unnatural for a majority to rule, for a majority can seldom be organized and united for specific action, and a minority can.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Man is born free, and everywhere he is in shackles.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Money is the seed of money, and the first guinea is sometimes more difficult to acquire than the second million.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Most nations, as well as people are impossible only in their youth; they become incorrigible as they grow older.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Our affections as well as our bodies are in perpetual flux.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Our greatest evils flow from ourselves.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Our will is always for our own good, but we do not always see what that is.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.
Jean Jacques Rousseau

Z Y X W V U T S R Q P O N M L K J I H G F E D C B and A,

Now we know our Z Y X's,

Next time we will go to TEXAS!

Fuzzy logic is derived from fuzzy set theory dealing with reasoning that is approximate rather than precisely deduced from classical predicate logic. It can be thought of as the application side of fuzzy set theory dealing with well thought out real world expert values for a complex problem (Klir 1997).

Or, Fuzzy Logic is the name of the debut album by the Super Furry Animals. It was listed in Q Magazine's Best British Albums Ever in July 2004, and in the same magazine's Top 10 Britpop Albums Ever in December 1996. It contains two top 20 hits in "If You Don't Want Me to Destroy You" and "Something 4 the Weekend"; it also contains the singles "God! Show Me Magic", which appeared in several Club Football games for Playstation 2 and "Hometown Unicorn". It reached number 23 in the UK charts on release.

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Steve Martin

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Samuel Palmer

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

hou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.

The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish, and how important it is.

Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.