I think this is abuse.

from JoeUser Forums

My daughter is friends with a girl who has Asperger Syndrome.  Asperger is a form of high-functioning autism, typically charecterized by issues with social and communication skills.  You can read more about it here:Link

'T' is being raised by her maternal grandparents.  Her mother couldn't handle her and abandoned her when she was young - she's since gone on to have other children, but T has remained with her grandparent, whom she refers to as 'mom and dad'. 

T's mom doesn't approve of my husband or I.  She thinks that we're inferior because we have tattoos and I have un-natural colored hair. She's basing her opinion on an incident that occured last summer:  T came over to our house one day to hang out with Shea, and I let them fool around with makeup.  Dave had talked to T's dad when he dropped her off and flat out told him that Shea and T were going to be doing each other's makeup and nails and hair - T's dad had said that as long as it washed out/off, it was ok.  So, when T's mum came to pick her up a couple of hours later, we didn't expect her to have the meltdown that she did.  She had an ab-so-lute fit and apparently screamed at T the whole way home - and then for the most of the evening.  That was the night that I first became aware of what she does to T when she's pissed - something that I consider to be abuse.

Let me start by explaining that most kids with Asperger syndrome are scared of change.  They don't like it; they thrive on same-ness.  T is terrified of change.  Scared to death of it.  Pretty typical behaviour for an Asperger kid.

T's mother will, when T's done something that she doesn't like, threaten to send her away.  She'll threaten to either a) drop her off at the police station and drive away, b) threaten to call the police and have T taken away, c) threaten to send T away to live with her 'real' mum, or d) tell T that she's going to call 'someone' to come and get her to take her away.  All of these threats are prefaced by "pack your bags; put all of your things in there because you're not staying here anymore".

I got to personally witness this the night that T went home from our house.  T called ME - not Shea, ME - 7 or 8 times that night, crying hysterically and terrified that she was going to get "sent away!!!".  I heard her mother banging on T's bedroom door, ranting about how the police were on their way.  So, I'm  not working on second-hand information here, I've got actual first-hand knowledge.

To me, what T's mother is doing is abusive.  She KNOWS that child is terrified of change, but she uses it each and every time T does something that she doesn't care for.  It pisses me off, it really does.  T has enough problems, she doesn't need an abusive parent to add to her woes.

Last night, T had gone to the firework display in her home town, and had gotten into an altercation with a boy who's been bothering her for ages.  'B' has been poking fun at and generally being a shite towards T for months, and T had finally had enough last night.  She hit him.....and when she was done hitting him, she hit the police officer who came to see what the fuss was all about.  T ended up in handcuffs - apparently her mother's constant threats of police intervention have given T a nice little phobia about police officers in general.  When T had finally calmed down and was sent home in her mother's custody, guess what her mum did? 

Told her to pack her bags because the police were coming to get her.

 

I am at a loss for words, JU.  I have typed and deleted many, many times - everything from 'WTF' to 'what a bitch' to 'am I the only one who finds what she's doing wrong?'.  I'm dismayed at what happened to T and at what she did to others, but I'm finding most of my anger directed at her mom.  What she did - and is still doing - is akin to the mother of a child terrified of monsters telling them every night before they go to bed 'I'm going to get the monsters!  I'm going to tell them that you're alone in your bed and that they can come and get you now!'.  What kind of a parent does that?

I'll tell you what kind of a parent does that.  A piss poor one.  A lame-ass excuse for a parent.  Don't make the mistake of thinking that I'm lauding myself here, that I'm patting myself on the back and awarding myself the 'Parent of The Year' award - that's far from true.  I wouldn't, however, play on my child's fears, Asperger Syndrome or not, and that's precisely what this woman is doing.

Just goes to show you that the old adage is true (except I'm going to twist it a little so it fits this gender): any woman can be a parent, but it takes someone special to be a mom.

misc
3,771 views 6 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

any woman can be a parent, but it takes someone special to be a mom.

That right there says it all

Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
It sounds like abuse to me too, mental abuse. It's horrible that the mom plays on her daughter's fears like that and she knowingly does this. You're in a catch 22 situation here because if you do get the authorities involved, she will be taken away and that would be even worse for her where her fear of change is concerned. Also, you would have to prove the abuse because I'm sure, from how you describe the mom to be, it would be your words against them. It's horrible that this child has to go through this for the rest of her life.

As you say,any woman can be a parent, but it does take someone special to be a mom, someone this woman isn't!
Sins of a Solar Empire: Rebellion
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

That right there says it all

Yep!

It sounds like abuse to me too, mental abuse. It's horrible that the mom plays on her daughter's fears like that and she knowingly does this.

Thank you.  I'm glad that someone else sees it!

 

Is T's birth mother aware of the situation?

Yes, and is either unwilling or unable to help.

I'm not sure i'd be calling CPS or anything at this point, because as FS pointed out, the poor kid might end up in foster care, bounced from home to home, which would really serve to reinforce her fears

oh no, I'm not about to call CPS - as you and FS said, it won't be any help to T at all.  She needs a stable, loving home, and I wish that I could go scoop her up, bring her to live with me and provide that to her.  Unfortunately, I can't. 

 

You might want to have a chat with the school counselor, though

That's a good idea!  Thanks, I hadn't thought of that!

 

You might also speak directly to grandma, but in a sympathetic way (those girls! aren't they a handful!) rather than a confrontational way (you're doing this all wrong!.)

I've tried to engage her in conversation when we've met - a few times in passing, once so that the girls could go shopping at the BX together.  It was like talking to a wall, to be honest.  I tried the 'man, girls these age are difficult, huh?!' tactic, and it didn't work.....so there's no way I'm going to be confrontational about it.  It won't get me anywhere, and it may make T's situation worse - her mom may decide that T doesn't need to talk to Shea anymore because Shea's mom is a bitch, and that won't do any good either.

I'm going to bide my time and wait for the opportunity to present itself.  It will, eventually.  I just need to be aware and recognize it when it comes along.

Thank you for your help, FS and LW!

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
This subject hits close to home for me. My mother was very abusive but I think the emotional abuse was the hardest to deal with. I think that you are already helping her by being someone that she feels she can talk to. It's huge that she called you for support when dealing with all this. When your own mother acts like you are worthless, it can really do a number on you. I always felt much better because I knew I couldn't be as horrible as my mom thought I was because my friends liked me, my teachers liked me and my friend's parents liked me.

It's a hard situation and even more so because of the Aspergers and the fact that her grandparents are raising her. I say just keep being there for her as much as you can. You are a blessing in her life.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hey, Dharma! All I can say is - Keep trying! This sounds like another person that can use your caring touch. Like you've said before (paraphrasing a little), the universe drops hints from time to time as to where you're needed. Some are subtle ... and some not so subtle.

I'll agree with FS and LW on the CPS issue. As a parent of a child with Aspergers, ANY change is hard. Something like what her "mom" is doing is mental cruelty. With proof (and overhearing something on the phone is usually classified as hearsay, usually, I think), she can be in serious trouble. A foster care situation for an Aspergers child would be even worse than the situation she's in now.

My son does NOT like change. Even something as simple as changing the menu for a meal (we plan out 2 weeks in advance and post it so that he knows what is going to happen) can be a catalyst for a grand mal breakdown. This weekend is going to be a challange for him, because he's spending the weekend at one set of grandparents and then spending all next week with the other set. Lots of change crammed into 8 days. He's been fussy and irritable for the last 2 days, just THINKING about it.

I say all that, just to reinforce the idea that forcing additional change on 'T' might not be in her best interests. Although, the mental abuse is not in her interests, either. Sounds like "mom" needs to be smacked up side the head with a Clue-by-four. Sadly, it sounds like she knows EXACTLY what she's doing.

LW's idea of the bbq sounds like a good way to start working in to being able to give more concrete first hand evidence of what's going on. Or, even better, work to mitigate what grandma is doing.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Legally, hearsay doesn't apply when it's something the defendent says.

Back to what this is actually about, this is a terrible situation for that girl to be in. I wouldn't threaten to send my kids away and they're not Aspergers. It's just mean.