Tact and truth: the two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

from JoeUser Forums

Truth:

1. Conformity to fact or actuality 2. Fidelity to an original or standard 3. Reality :Actuality 4. A statement proven to be accepted as true. 5. Sincerity, Integrity.

Tact

1. The ability to appreciate the delicacy of a situation and to do or say the kindest and most fitting thing : the ability to do or say the right thing at the right time.

Some people seem to have the idea that truth is not the truth if it’s tempered with tact. They seem to think that it’s ok to blurt out whatever, whenever, and that no-one should be offended by it because it’s the truth. Truth should stand alone, on it’s own, and that’s all that is needed. They spout the old adage 'the truth shall set you free, right'?

Wrong.

Truth is, sometimes, a painful thing. There are situations that, whilst they require the truth, also require that truth be tempered with a health dose of tact. Does this softening of the blow make the truth any less factual? No. It makes it easier to swallow, more palatable, easier to accept. People will more readily accept the truth if it’s less painful. Blunt-force truth with often make people feel they're being attacked...which leads to defensive reactions, and sometimes a direct denial of the truth. Truth accompanied by tact, however, receives a better reaction. People feel more comfortable with truth and tact as a pair, and if they're comfortable they're more likely to see the truth as not something that’s painful or can hurt them, but as something to be embraced and perhaps accepted.. In order for the truth to set someone free, it has to be accepted as just that, the truth.

 Denying the truth isn’t going to get anyone out of prison. Tact is they key to that particular cell door.

misc
8,998 views 23 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

Extremely well said!  I gave you an insightful.  You said something that had been on my mind but I couldn't have done a better job than you.  I think this idea is also a key part of good parenting.  Tact is what can help you tell your children some really awful truths without scaring the crap out of them.


You go cybersis!

Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

I gave you an insightful.

Wow! Thanks!

I learned to refine this technique in 'Interviews and Interrogations' class.  Some people you have to be bluntly truthful with..however, using that tactic all the time isn't going to get you any information. 

You're right about the parenting too.

Sins of a Solar Empire II
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top

Very *very* true!

Thanks for this article!

Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

Thanks, dude and dude-ettes!

It's been on my mind for a while, but was brought to the forefront recently because of my class, my husband, and happenings around here at JoeU.  I know there's going to be one individual in particular who's going to want to credit himself as the inspiration for this article..to him, I have this to say:  Whilst the lessons here can most certainly be applied to you, you were not the sole reason for these thoughts.  A cataslyst, perhaps, but not the cause. 

Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Dharma... I wrote an article a while back that looks at the opposite side of this discussion... i reposted it here in the misc section.  I don't know if you read it the first time around, but it counts as my reply to this article...
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

MJ, there's a lot to be said for tempering the truth with tact.  No-one is saying that you have to NOT tell the truth, I'm merely stating that if you want to get results in my line of work beating people over the head with the truth ain't gonna get you very damn far.  The same could be said for ordinary life situations.  People tend to respond to as you so delicately put it 'sugar coated' truth better than the bitter pill of naked truth. 


Also, there is a time and a place for everything.  For example, would you tell the widow of a recently deceased colleague "yeah, your husband was kind of an ass and I never really liked him. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's the truth"? I would hope not.  Just as that isn't an apporpriate thing to say at that time, there are other times when blunt-force truth isn't appropriate...but truth sweetened with a little tact is. 


Basically, my point is this: you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar. If you want to have successful relationships with people, blunt-force truth isn't always the way to do it.

Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
They spout the old adage 'the truth shall set you free, right'?


This is actually part of a verse in the Bible. I DO believe the truth will set you free, but what you're saying is that if you have no tact, the truth will never hit the mark to enable freedom. Another verse that seems to say what you're saying is in Ephesians, and talks about "expressing the truth in love". If love is motivating the expression of truth, it is going to be done with tact.

Great article by the way. I wonder who might think he motivated this article, hmmm......

Tractorman
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top

I DO believe the truth will set you free, but what you're saying is that if you have no tact, the truth will never hit the mark to enable freedom.


That's exactly what I'm saying, T-man.  I too believe that the truth shall set you free...and I'm speaking from experience. 


I think you know who, btw....

Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
This priniple applies quite often in marital relations as well... the unvarnished truth will often result in a fight and an extended stay on the couch.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

an extended stay on the couch.


what's wrong with sleeping on the couch?  that's like going camping!

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
Great post, Dharma! I gave an insightful too, and I rarely hand those babies out.
If love is motivating the expression of truth, it is going to be done with tact.

wonderfully put.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top

Thanks, Nicky!

 

Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top

what's wrong with sleeping on the couch? that's like going camping!

 

Like going camping with the guys and no beer maybe... not my idea of a good time.

Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Excellent article dharmagrl, and something that we can be reminded of on a regular basis. Truth tempered with tact is vital in so many relationships. I agree that there are times and situations that call for brutal honesty, open and bold faced. But an even measure of tact can be a salve to the wounded soul, as it says so much about our sincere concern for that person. I need to always remember to use it with my wife, my kids, and my patients.

Thanks for the reminder.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Basically, my point is this: you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar. If you want to have successful relationships with people, blunt-force truth isn't always the way to do it.


If your aim is to catch flies, I suppose tact is the way to go...

Let me tell a story, because that's what I do when I just can't think of any other way to say what I mean. After the Easter concert at our church, I was talking to this lady. I asked her what she thought about the concert, and she answered, "do you want the truth, or what I think?" I think the times when a person seems to be lacking in tact is not a clue that they should be rephrasing, but that they're giving a heavily opinionated version of the truth. It's really their view on the situation, not the truth.

I don't believe in tact when it comes ot telling the truth. For instance, you used (or somebody did, too lazy to check) the example about the widow of the man who just died. First of all, making a random comment and then justifying it by saying "it was the truth" is petty. A person should never say "you're retarded" out of the blue even if the person's IQ is only a couple percentage points above their age. Second, saying "he was an ___" is not the truth, but how you felt about him. God loved him whoever he was, so he had to be worth loving.

I hope that came across the right way, but in case it didn't, let me leave you with one of my favorite quites: "The truth is a delight to those that love it. Such beauty holds no power to offend."

~Buddha
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top

Blue: thanks for the comment. I knew you'd get it.

Dan: I knew you WOULDN'T get it.  Either that or you'd get it but insist your blunt-force tactics are right.

I hope that you never choose law enforcement as a career; you'll be a miserable failure.

Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top

Dan is gone now.

There are times when the candid, cold hard truth make the most sense and there are times when diplomacy is called for. Part of being an adult is knowing when the circumstances call for the former or the latter.

Words mean things. Knowing how to communicate "the truth" in a way that accomplishes your goal takes a certain level of skill. Skill that takes time to develop.

For example, today I was on an important conference call with a publisher and things didn't go well. The "truth" is that we need X and Y for us to agree to the deal. But you can't just say "Give us X and Y or else no deal." Instead, the challenge is to convince them first that X and Y are things THEY want. Only as a last resort do you end up having to get down to saying "Look, we have to have X and Y or else we can't do this."

Again, sometimes diplomacy is a waste and being blunt is more productive. But usually, diplomacy is the way to go.

Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
Very nice article Dharma ... I am a great believer in tempering truth with tact.

Another of my favourites is example ...."The do as I do -not as I say" I find too many people in the world today are' do as I say -not as I do ' people.

TY for an interesting read.

Jess
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top

Knowing how to communicate "the truth" in a way that accomplishes your goal takes a certain level of skill. Skill that takes time to develop.


Exactly.  A skill that Dan didn't have, and refused to acknowledge was necessary.


 

Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
You know, it is interesting. When I was younger (not trying to say I am old or really that mature or bright) I had this perception that tact was for people who were afraid of being open and honest. I viewed tact as a tool for the weak, for those who didn't have the spine to say or hear the straight-up, honest truth.

Then I lived a little more.

I met new people, formed new relationships, and learned from some marvelous people. And I learned that tact often requires, in fact, more courage and spine, as well as maturity and decency to learn to use it appropriately and sincerely. Tact without sincerity is a waste, and as I grow and learn I continue to gain the experience necessary to sincerely be tactful and honest. I hope to continue to learn that incredibly important lesson.
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top

Words are just tools for accomplish a goal. The question is always a matter of figuring out what the goal is and the best way to accomplish it.

Younger people, like Dan, believe that the words in themselves are the goal.