I'm sorry, mother.

I didn't know how awful I was until now.

from JoeUser Forums

I have a hormonal pree-teen.

She's suddenly, literally overnight, turned into a Dr Jekyll, Ms Hyde kind of child. Has sprouted breasts and has to wear a bra, has oily hair and pimples....is prone to swift and unmerciless attitude and mood changes where she throws herself onto the floor, screeching and wailing, throwing her hair around like the end of the world is upon us. Sulks for no apparent reason, and is just plain miserable to be around sometimes. Thinks that she can smart mouth me and just walk away...and I have tried to remain patient, but this afternoon was the straw that broke the camel's back.  She copped an attitude, so I told her to go to her room.  She said no, so I said yes.  She said I couldn't tell her what to do and she didn't have to listen to me.  I pointed out that this is MY house, and that while she's living under MY roof I get to lay down and enforce the rules.  She got in my face and screamed that she hated me.  I said that that was too bad, because I loved her.  She screamed that she didn't care and that she was going to leave as soon as she could.  I said she could go when she was 18 but that until then she was going to do as I said and go to her room.  She went to her room, slammed and locked the door, and started throwing stuff around.  Tipped out all the drawers from her dressers, ripped down the drapes.....I could hear all this going on, so I popped open the lock, grabbed her by the back of her shirt in mid-throw and yanked her out into the hallway.  She screamed that I needed to "get the f&*k out" of her room.  I repeated that this is MY house and that every room in it is MY room, and that when she'd calmed down she was going to go back in there and clean up everything she had destroyed.  She could even eat dinner in her room tonight, and she can forget about phone, TV and video games for a couple of days.  She sat there for a bit with me standing over her, then got up, smoothed down her hair, and went into her room, closing the door behind her.  She's still in there.

I got to thinking...about how I must have been the same way when I was her age.  I remember getting into some real vicious fights with my mother...I cannot imagine how she ever managed to put up with me.  My opinion of her has changed...the woman is a virtual saint in my eyes now.

I'm going to call her in the morning and tell her as much myself.

Hmm...how long before Shea can move out?  6 years?  I don't know if I can last that long....

misc
9,529 views 25 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
It's funny how little we realize we put our parents through--I would have to say that after my brother and I, my parents should be up for sainthood.

Hang in there. It's got to be tough being on the receiving end of these battles. I think you handled it well, and years from now, I think Shea will agree!
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks, Shades...but it was hard.  When she cussed at me I had a fleeting vison of myself smacking her face....
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Welcome to my world, Dharma...my girls are 14 and 11....and I've already apologized to MY mother several times....
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Gosh Poet, how ever do you do it and maintain your sanity?
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Gosh Poet, how ever do you do it and maintain your sanity?


Sanity? What sanity? I lost that a LONG time ago...as I also have a son who is 18!!

Oh, and the name is Teresa...feel free to use it if you'd like.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh man, reading this just causes me to break out into a cold sweat as I contemplate my two daughters growing up. You did admirably, even with the fleeting vision. . .

Hope I can do the same.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top

Shea and I had a chat this evening...for an almost 12 year old she's remarkably astute.  She said that she didn't know what was wrong with her but that she was sure something WAS wrong, because she just doesn't feel like herself sometimes.  She said she gets irritated with everone and everything and feels like going off on people for no reason...then the next minute she just wants to cry and be sad and unhappy.


Sound familiar, ladies?  Guys too, I'm sure you all have experienced this kind of attitude from the fairer sex at some point or another.


Anyway, I congratulated her for being that aware of herself and her body, and explained that it's all hormonal (we already had 'The Talk' so she's clued in about puberty)..and that they key is recognising it and understanding it for what it is.  Being able to say, "Hey, I'm PMS-ing, I'm trying to handle it but you might want to give me some room" is going to get her a lot more understanding and symapthy than raging on people.


Now, if I could only get her Dad to talk about it....


 

Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
When my wife's younger sister got married a few years back she told my wife that her husband said he didn't believe the whold PMS thing.

Boy, did I feel sorry for her. And him, but mostly her. Some guys just don't think it really happens. Got me as to why though.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top

Some guys just don't think it really happens. Got me as to why though.

Me too.  I used to PMS pretty bad...I didn't ovulate regularly so I'd go for months with no PMS..then get hit by raging hormones from hell.  My poor husband was left so bewildered sometimes - bless his little heart, he'd do just about anything to try and make me happy when I was hormonally swamped, and sometimes I'd just be a total bitch to him before I could stop myself.

Now, I'm without a uterus and cervix and on low-dose estrogen and progesterone so it's really not an issue.  I do feel for Shea, though.  I remember how it was.

Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
DId you ever even stop to consider that she might be right? See, that's the problem with you adults, you think you know everything and....

I'm kidding. Good luck with your daughter... us teens can really be a handful. I should know, I am one:)

~Buddha
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top

Dharma, I wan't like that as a teen but know many who were.  If I do have a daughter some day, I know I will have to be open to the idea that she might go through a period like that.  My PMS was more physically painful than anything.  I didn't get hormonal until I had my first child.  Boy did I learn the power of hormones then!  So any guys out there that don't understand PMS, it is real and you should back off.  Hormones can make you feel completely out of control of your emotions.


I think for a girl that age, explaining that it is "normal" was a brilliant move.  Kids just want to fit in at that age.  Anything that makes them feel like a "freak" can destroy them.


I have heard from many mothers that the terrible teens are far worse than the terrible twos.  I wouldn't relive my teen years for anything!

Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have heard from many mothers that the terrible teens are far worse than the terrible twos. I wouldn't relive my teen years for anything!


I would have to agree with the "terrible teens" idea....I didn't have much trouble with any of my kids when they were two....but now, my girls are trying to KILL me with their attitude, temper, behavior, etc. God give me strength for 6 1/2 more yrs of this!!
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
boy... if this is the best age that Kole's at right now... I'm in trouble. I call her my mini-teen because she just has all the attitude right now. I think the only thing that is saving us is the fact that I freak out as often as she does... it embarasses the hell out of her and she is often the one telling me to grow up. I can only hope, Dharma, that I handle myself as well as you are.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
NickyG, I have those same thoughts about my daughter.  She's only 5, but already has quite an attitude (like sticking her tongue out, or simply ignoring what you say).  I hate to think that it will get worse   Of course, I have heard a lot of Mom's say that raising girls is more of a challenge than boys.  Must be the hormone thing....
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
Your daughters' moods are extreme. Take her to a doctor. If it's pms, they can help her. I used to go through the same thing as a teen. I would have had it much better if my pms has been treated. I was lucky. I had very easy girls until they were sixteen, then they had a psychotic break. Normal teenagers are hard, but mentally ill ones are heart breaking. Everytime your teen drives you nuts, praise the Lord that she's "normal." She will grow up and love you. My daughters will need help their entire lives.

I know how hard it is my son was like this. Not moody, but willful.
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sherye, I don't think Shea's moods are extreme at all.  I know so many girls right now that are at about the same age (12 or 13) going through the exact same thing as Dharma described.  I doubt they are all extreme.  These girls are dealing with achieving an adult body without the benefit of adult emotions or control.  Hence the age old "I hate you!" or the power play.  Sounds completely normal to me.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sherye, I don't think Shea's moods are extreme at all. I know so many girls right now that are at about the same age (12 or 13) going through the exact same thing as Dharma described. I doubt they are all extreme. These girls are dealing with achieving an adult body without the benefit of adult emotions or control. Hence the age old "I hate you!" or the power play. Sounds completely normal to me.


Shea sounds a lot like my 14 yr old Samantha...and we've had her evaluated for several reasons. Her moods and temper explosions have been ruled "normal teenage behavior" by a child psychiatrist, so I don't think Dharma has anything to worry about in that regard unless they get worse. I also remember behaving the same way when I was that age.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top

I can remember when I was 12-13........that is when my Mom started getting grey hair and my Dad lost a lot of his.  Hell, even my female dog was a pain in the butt when her hormones kicked in.  And, I just had my Thyroid dose changed, which in turn threw the rest of my hormones out of whack and now I feel like a total bitch (and, I KNEW it was going to happen).

But, everyone has to go through the change in hormones.  I am sure that Shea will calm down a bit once she has experienced what the hormones will do to her and will recognize it a bit more.  She sounds "normal" to me.

Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm sorry that I over reacted. I don't know what normal is for a girl. Right now I'm having a hard time with one of my daughters but it has nothing to do with your daughter. I remember another mother of a child with bipolar who said that she wished that she had problems with curfew and all the other arguments that teens have with their parents.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top

It's ok, Sherye, no need to apologize.


I think that Shea is having a perfectly normal entrance into puberty.  I think that Jill put it best when she said that she's dealing with an adult body without the benefit of adult wisdom and control. 


I feel sorry for her, I remember (somewhat) how it is.

Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
I remember my mom and I having a horrible relationship when I was a teen, if it makes you feel any better, we have a wonderful relationship now that I am in my twenties.
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top

I spoke to my mum this morning.  I first apologized, then explained what I was apologizing for.  All she did was laugh.  First she giggled, then guffawed, and by the end of the conversation she was laughing big belly laughs and having difficulty speaking. "oh dear" she said "i remember saying to you that one day you would understand how difficult it is to deal with teenage girls..and now you are!  I shouldn't really laugh because it's not terribly funny...but I predicted this would happen! Hahaha!  Never mind, love, she'll grow out of it.  Until she does, it always pays to walk away and count to ten.  I think I must have counted nearly to a million trying to deal with you at that age!"

I love my mum, i really do.

Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
I Loved this post Dharma - I was talking to my mum the other day about something similar - I wasn't actually too bad until I was about 16 I started to rebel a little I just didn't want to talk to my mum about anything!!! And it drove me nuts when she asked.

My sister however was the way your Shae is from the age of about 8. The "I hate You's You can't tell me what to do I'm packing my bags and going to live with Nana" She's 16 now - I moved out about a year ago but her and mum and da fight even more then ever - I thought she was calming down for a minute there but it just got worse.
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
she's dealing with an adult body without the benefit of adult wisdom and control.


I still feel this way, quite often!
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top

she's dealing with an adult body without the benefit of adult wisdom and control.


I still feel this way, quite often!


I'm starting to be better about recognizing my feelings and emotions for what they are. I find that once I can name them I have more control over them..and if nothing else, I can say "hey, I'm PMSing so you might want to steer clear of me unless you have chocolate and are prepared to watch my cry"